Sometimes friends aren't the ones to cure the loneliness inside you. Sometimes you need something more, someone more.
But when you know having that someone is out of the question, it only makes the loneliness worse.
Started: 5th of April, 2019
...
No matter how much I want to, I can't avoid home forever. Not as long as I'm still a minor, at least. I've been lucky for the past three days, spending it everywhere but at home. But today I had to give in, and here I am, sitting next to my dad who seems rather fond of me being here. Finally, he said. After missing two-and-a-half dinner.
Don't get me wrong; I don't hate my parents. They often just don't feel like my parents but more like a threat to who I really am. I can't be me around them and I probably never can. Being around them in uncomfortable, suffocating almost.
The remaining classes went by pretty fast and with great aversion I headed home afterwards. Fortunately for me, my parents don't suspect a single thing about me being unhappy here. They don't seem to notice, probably because I'm holding up a pretty convincing facade when they are around.
I eat in silence, listening to the casual chattering of my parents, mostly about random things they've encountered at work today. I hold my breath as my dad mentions a co-worker but to my relief he doesn't seem to be talking about the onewith issues, like my parents kindly dubbed the man. Or my dad just doesn't feel like elaborating on how gross being gay is in his eyes. Breathing out, I continue my meal but as my dad calls out to me, I pause again.
"Say, Jisung," he begins and just the tone of his voice is enough proof that this conversation will be pretty tiring for me.
"Your mom and I were just wondering if you've already met a nice girl at school. You're the dating age and we never hear you talk about anyone."
You'll never hear me talking about a girl because I'm gay, dad.
"Ah, I'm not really paying attention at the moment," I reply with an apologetic smile. "I'm focusing more on school becauce I find my grades important."
You're a liar, Jisung.
"What a shame," my mom joins in. "I would love to see you with a nice girl on your arm soon."
"Who knows who I'll run into," I vaguely reply with another smile, mainly to hide the nervousness that came up.
Because one day, they'll find out that I'm not coming home with a sweet and caring girl on my side. I will do a lot to hide my secret, but ignoring my sexuality and dating a girl just to please my parents is a huge no.
Maybe I'll even meet a boy, but I already know returning home with an amazing boyfriend on my side is out of the question.
Minho's grinning face flashes through my mind, his brown eyes sparkling vividly even though it's just a memory of how he looked at me before. I push the image away before it becomes too realistic because I already feel the embarrassment creeping up my neck like a pink dust. Why did I think of him?
I grow more and more uncomfortable as my parents take the conversation about me finding a girlfriend. They are exaggerating, talking about marriage and even grandchildren. I hide a wry smile with my hand, knowing how I could never give them grandchildren.
"I just hope he doesn't end up like that fag at work," I suddenly hear my dad say. His words feel like a punch in the face. They were expected but that doesn't make them less painful.
"He won't," my mom confidently states. "Our Jisung is better than that."
Better than that.
Better than that.
My empty smile doesn't reach my eyes. I'm not better than that. I am that, what they despise so hard. They don't know but they are hurting me badly. I am what they hate.
"Don't worry, I'm not," I reply, giving them the most convincing smile I can muster up.
The lie rolls off my tongue easily, but it leaves a bitter taste like poison.
Pursing my lips to a thin line, I set my plate on top of the other empty plates and then dinner is finally over. I take this as my chance to escape and after thanking my mom for dinner, I run upstairs and lock myself in my room.
I'm mentally exhausted. It does something to a human to be exposed to bullying like this. Because that's what it is to me; bullying. Even though it isn't even directed at me, it still hits me hard every single time.
Fag.
Our Jisung is better than that.
I close my eyes after climbing under my blue sheets, in desparate need for comfort in any form. My phone uncomfortably pokes my tight and I take it out of my pocket.
I turn the device around in my hand, wondering what to do. I don't feel like bothering Hyunjin tonight. I don't want to be that person that comes crying for his best friend after every little thing that happens, even though that's probably the person I truely am.
Sighing, I turn around to throw the phone onto my nightstand. But right when I let go of it, it lets out a clear ping and the rectangular screen lights up. Thinking it's Hyunjin, I immediately grab the thing but the screen tells me I've got four messages from an unknown number.
That could be only one person, right?
Full of anticipation, I swipe my finger over the screen to unlock it and I don't waste any time before opening the messages.
unknown number just think of my cute smile when your parents are being asshats again
unknown number
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unknown number jk jk (or not) happy first text from minho 🎉
My heart skips a beat as I see his messages with the picture attached. He did it; he made me smile even though I was feeling pretty down just now. It's like he knew how much I needed this right now.
An involuntary smile creeps up my face, a real one this time. I tap some buttons, saving the number as Lee Minho before taking a proper look at the picture he sent me.
His smile is cute indeed, I think to myself.
My fingers wander of the keyboard to type a reply. It's a sudden rush of confidence, provided by Lee Minho. I read over my reply once before hitting the send button.
you only when my parents are being asshats? :(
I'm still grinning madly as Minho's reply comes only a minute later.
lee minho okay you're allowed to think about it in every situation because it's you gn squirrel
I turn off the screen after reading his texts and place the phone next to my pillow. Then I curl into a little ball under the blankets, and this time not out of sadness.
I feel relaxed as I make myself comfortable, snuggling up to my pillow and heaving out a small sigh, my lips still tugged into a goofy smile. Even though it isn't that late, it doesn't take lomg for me to fall into a peaceful slumber.
