being lonely | minsung | ✔

46

It's quiet on the streets, even in the usually fairly busy business part where I'm now. The traffic is on a minimum and there are hardly any people outside. Everyone is either in their office at work or at school and there aren't many shops so who would have any business here?

It's perfect outside, with the sun shining brightly and a soft breeze blowing over the quiet streets of Seoul. Birds dash back and forth between trees that line up along the streets, chirping happily as they fly past me. A cat follows behind me for a little while, occasionally rubbing its head against my leg to ask for attention. For the first time in my life, I ignore it and keep walking until it gives up.

I don't know what I expected to happen after I left Minho's apartment. Did I expect myself to lose my shit and have a mental breakdown? That honestly sounds like the most logical thing to happen after... this. But it didn't happen. Instead, it feels like all my emotions are ripped off. My mind is blank, my feelings numb. I thought there would be a storm raging in my mind by now, anger and sadness driving me wild. But it's just... nothing. And I think that scares me even more.

There are no tears, no panic, no anxiety. It's as if I stopped caring completely when I saw him looking at me like that. Even when I replay our conversation in my mind, over and over again, I feel nothing. Hatred towards myself, maybe. Because I'm stupid.

Oh well, I guess I called this on myself. I've been holding the truth from him for so long, I'm basically a liar. Maybe this is what I deserve. Maybe I should return to my house and confess to my dad that he was right, that really nothing good comes from being gay.

I stuff my hands in my pockets and continue to walk into a random direction. I have no idea where I'm going and honestly, I don't care. As long as I'm as far away from Minho as possible, I'm happy. For now, he's one of the last people I want to see. Of course, he had all the rights to be mad but to say that I'm just looking for a fuckbuddy was painful.

So I guess we're both mad at each other now and I have nowhere to go. Everything in my life became a mess over the past few weeks and the only person who made it bearable now turned against me as well. Yeah, I managed to mess that up as well. Great job, Han Jisung. 

I'm in a part of Seoul I've never been in before and I think I'm totally lost. But it's better that way, less chance to be found after all. It's almost two hours after the fight and I refuse to stop walking, ignoring the protests coming from my feet and the loud grumbles of my stomach. I have nothing with me, except for my phone. No money, no debit card, absolutely nothing. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

There's also this part of me that still longs for the older boy, even after the fight. I miss his strong arms around me, his comforting smile and reassuring words whenever I'm upset for some reason. But right now, that comfort between us is gone. I know it's my fault for the biggest part but he had absolutely no reason to lash out at me like that without knowing my reasons.

It's not like I kept it a secret for so long because I thought it was a fun thing to do.

So I guess he doesn't care that much?

As I come closer to another shopping district, more and more people and vehicles appear on the streets. Now there are the voices of pedestrians that pass by, the laughter of children that accompany them and the revving engines of the cars on the road. Now that the peaceful silence is gone and is slowly being replaced by the usual urban cacophony, my mind suddenly enters a state of turmoil as well.

My thoughts become restless, all the feelings that were absent until now coming back to nag at my unconsciousness. Suddenly, tears sting in the corner of my eyes and I start to panic as I walk over the sidewalk. What if everything between Minho and me is over now? What if he wants nothing to do with me anymore because I lied to him about something this important?

Why do I always ruin everything? What kind of curse is this?

What did I do to deserve all of this? Where did it go wrong in my life?

Why do I always end up alone?

My thoughts keep rambling as I approach a pedestrian crossing that leads to god-knows-where. Not paying attention at all, I set foot on the asphalt when suddenly a screeching sound resonates through the air, paired with the loud honking of a car horn. I look up in shock to find a red car almost horizontally over the road, blocking other vehicles. The driver behind the wheel looks at me in with wide eyes, his fist clutching his chest as he takes deep breaths.

I look the driver dead in the eye, maintaining a lifeless eye contact that clearly unsettles the poor man behind the wheel. C'mon, keep driving and hit me. It's not that hard. I laugh scornfully and several people look up with concern in their eyes. They see my tears, they see the pain in my eyes. But they do nothing. Of course, they do nothing.

So I do nothing as well. I avert my gaze and start walking again, leaving behind a half-traumatized driver. It isn't long before the engines come back to life as I walk further and further away from the scene. It would've been a blessing if that car didn't stop because honestly, everything is better than the shitty life I'm living.

Get lost. Get lost. Get lost.

Minho's words repeat in my head over and over and every time, they hurt more and more. Am I really that unwanted? The feeling of panic expands, slowly taking over my senses as I wander through busy streets and abandoned alleys, a maze of madness that takes me nowhere. But I start to realize that wherever I go, the misery will follow me anyway. What do I have to do? How do I end this? Because I can't take it anymore. A person can only take that much and I'm at my limits now.

Who cares? I'm alone anyway. Even Minho doesn't want me anymore.

It's unhealthy, the way my heart is beating and how my breathing is uneven and ragged by the raw sobs that leave my throat. Everybody is watching, no one is helping. Their piercing gazes scare me even more, all their eyes are on me. It's suffocating, how do I escape from this? Where can I run to?

Tears roll down my cheeks, leaving wet and sticky trails on my cheeks. More people look at me, more judging gazes attacking me from all directions. Leave me alone, please leave me alone. I slowly hug myself, my nails digging in my own skin.

If I just had the guts to jump in front of a fucking car, everything would be over and I would be free of all the misery that haunts me like a disease. But no, I can't even do that because I'm too scared of the pain, of what will come to me when I'm dead. I really can't do anything, huh?

A shaky breath escapes my lips as I stagger into a small alley that leads to only darkness and other unwanted stuff. The alley leads to a dead end, where I find a number of trash cans and large garbage containers. A suitable place for me, huh? With all my dignity gone, I hide between two large containers and hugging my knees to my chest before I rest my head on them.

And then I cry.

--

I was listening to Crooked by G-Dragon while writing this and honestly, those lyrics fit kinda well and I was sad lol.

Also, I won't be updating anything for at least a week from now on. I'm going to Berlin for the Stray Kids concert (honestly, I still can't believe I'm going to see my ult group live help) and I won't be home for a week soo... I'm sorry to leave after a sad chapter oops.