The Fangirl Next Door - h.s

Chapter 10: i could get used to this.

I found myself on the sand and under the trees after I got tired of waiting. The longer I waited the more my mind started to go wild with thoughts about what could come of this entire thing. He said he had a few months of break, then he was going on tour, which means I'll be here and he'll be all over the world. I keep telling myself to not think about it because all that's happened is us kissing, nothing more than a kiss. He could think this is just something for fun, something to fill his time while he's on break, someone to make him feel normal. Getting in my own head is something I've become really great at, even when there's nothing to get in my head about.
"There she is." I turn my head and see the one and only Harry Styles walking towards me, in my special place.
"Here I am." I smile lightly, I really don't want him to know what's going on in my head, he doesn't need to know.
"You said you'd be there when I got back, but you were gone, Cora said you went to the beach but I knew that meant here." He sits next to me in the sand, not caring that there's not been an invitation from me.
"I got tired of waiting, tired of being alone." I tell him, not looking at him but at the sand in my own hand.
"You're not upset with me are you?" He's looking at me, I can feel his eyes on me.
"Far from it." I mumble, the waves drowning out my voice. I hug my knees to my chest and look out.
"Talk to me? I can tell there's something wrong, you're not acting like yourself Lucky." He pushes my hair from my face and I move away.
"There's not much to talk about," I sigh and give up on the thought of trying to hide my feelings from him. "You see, I do this thing where I get in my head, and I come up with every possibility known to man and I ponder and contemplate everything over and over again until I'm so scared of what could happen I decide not to do anything at all. That's what I'm doing right now, that's why I'm here." I tell him, motioning around me.
"What are you working yourself up about?" I finally look at him to see if he's being serious and he reads my face so easily. "Please tell me it's not about this." He motions between the two of us and I don't say a word, just turn to the ocean again. "Lucky, you're worrying about nothing." My heart drops a bit, the way he words things sometimes... "Shit, I keep saying the wrong things. What I'm trying to say is that, actually I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Lucy what about us are you worried about?"  He scoots closer to me.
"I'm worried about what the word us could mean for you." I hate admitting this to him. I don't believe the words any of the tabloids say about him, I never have, but we live two completely different lives, that alone is a recipe for disaster.
"For me? Well if I'm not mistaken, I was the one who initiated all of this, I kept showing up at your door, I wrote you a letter, I tried to kiss you three times, meaning every time anything has happened it was really because of me. If you can't tell that I'm interested here then I'm not sure what else I can do." I can hear his smile at this point, his voice changes every time he's got a smile on his face.
"Right now you're interested. What happens when you go on tour, when you meet new people, go to all those crazy parties you talked about?" I turn to him, waiting for an answer.
"I'll still be interested? Duh." He flips his hair, HE ACTUALLY FLIPS HIS HAIR OFF OF HIS SHOULDER. "I'm offended you'd think otherwise. I told you I don't halfass things. I do everything with all of me, and being here right now, being here all this time wasn't just for fun. Lucy, you don't think I'm doing all of this just to have sex with you, or to just have fun, do you?" I try my hardest not to show him my face.
"No..." I lie, I have to pull this one off.
"Lucy, come on. I told you about the other ones, the fake girlfriends, all of it, because I wanted you to see me as a real person, not someone who parties and has sex and uses people. I thought I showed you that with spending as much time with you as I have." He sounds hurt now and that's the last thing I had wanted to do.
"It's not about you, it's not about sex, it's not about girlfriends. It's about the fact that I have never been in love with anyone, but I have been loved before. You on the other hand have loved before, you've loved a few people, but have never been loved. That's like asking for this to blow up in our faces. My life is completely different than yours, I'm not some fancy celebrity, sure I get invited to red carpets every now and then-but only to interview people like you, sure I get sent stuff just like any model or influencer would, but that doesn't put me even close to the realm you're in. In other words, I'm boring." I shrug my shoulders.
"You are the farthest thing from boring. You are the closest thing to real I have ever met in this world, I can say that and I mean it. I love the way that you think, I do, but Lucy, sometimes it gets in the way of how you live. When you're just living, you're so beautiful. You're always beautiful, but I wish you could see how you look when you're just living." He's in his head now, it's like I'm not even here anymore and he's talking to himself at this point.
"You remember when you asked if this scared me?" He nods. "Well I'm scared now." I admit.
"If you want me to be honest this is all scary for me too. I'm practically living a double life, seeing you makes me feel like I'm not me, it makes me feel like someone I don't know, someone who never got famous, someone who just got lucky enough to run into their neighbor and start catching feelings for her. Then I meet with the boys, and my life is all about music and I sometimes forget there's a world outside of all of it. It's scary to let myself feel something again after the... well you know." How is he still smiling. I'm over here, a nervous wreck, probably looking like I need to take shit, and he's just smiling away, cute as ever.
"I just-" He puts his hands on the side of my face, turning me to him, causing my words to stop.
"You just need to stop coming up with excuses darling. If it's going to happen, just let it happen. There's no use in doing anything else, neither of us would be happy." He hasn't moved his hand away. He hasn't stopped smiling either, the urges are returning too, I must touch the dimple, I need to do it.
"Can I touch your dimple?" He keeps the smirk but he raises and eyebrow at me. He doesn't say no, so I lift my hand and let it touch the side of his face, so smooth, so soft. My fingers graze over the dip in his face. "Okay, I'm fulfilled... for now." I take my heads down and he chuckles.
"Alright, now that Lucy is back, can we go do something that doesn't involve sand?"  He stands up and gives me his hands. I take them, letting him pull me back up and once I'm up he wraps his arms around me, resting his chin on the top of my head. "Please don't run away from me. You don't have to love me, you don't even have to like me, I just want you to be honest with me, tell me when something is wrong. That's fair, isn't it?" He pulls back, finally looking at me, and I nod. "Oh, and give me your phone, please?" He's always sure to ask, no matter what he always asks nicely, no demands ever. I hand him my phone and he types away. "Here, now you've got my phone number, that way you can call me when you're worried, or scared, or whatever." He hands it back to me and we reach both of our cars, his a yellow convertible this time, mine the same old blue Bronco.
"I guess we'll meet back at the house." I tell him.
"Not before I do this." He leans in, kissing me lightly. "Okay, now we can meet back at the house, until then I will miss you dearly." He walks over to the drivers side of his car.
"We're going to be apart for less than ten minutes." I laugh.
"Okay, so I'll miss you for ten minutes, is that a crime Lucy Collins?" He asks.
"Oh just shut up and drive home." I mumble, closing my door and starting my car, backing out and driving off without turning back to look at him.
I get there first, taking my time inside, and I feel like he's going to just come inside and meet me up here until I get a text that tells me to come over.
"Cora, I'm leaving again. I'll be next door." I talk from outside her door, listening in and hearing nothing. "Cora?" I ask and open the door, instantly regretting my decisions. "Ew. Ew. Ew I could have gone my whole life without witnessing that." Cora and Ian back away from the kiss and sit there staring.
"Okay well I've gone two years without it and you just ruined it so fuck you." She groans. "You're going to Harry's, got it, now GO AWAY." She throws a pillow at me and I dodge it by closing the door. "Love you though!" She calls.
"Love you both!" I yell back, walking towards the stairs and out the front door. The walk to Harry's is short, and though I don't get as nervous around him as I had the first time I spent time with him, I still get butterflies in my stomach every time I knock on the door. I get a text telling me to come in and meet him upstairs so I do. His house is so perfect for him, not that I know him well enough to judge but from what I would have imagined before, this would be it. "Harry?" I ask and walk through his bedroom door. He greets me with arms wrapped around me, lifting me off the ground.
"Party in my bed, by party I mean movies, but either way." He's still holding onto me tightly around my waist.
"You're so full of energy all the time, and you're always smiling, can you share some?" I laugh and he tosses me on the bed. "Hey, careful." I mumble.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just couldn't wait to get you into bed." He jokes and I roll my eyes as I crawl into his bed.
"Normally when a guy says that he doesn't mean get you into bed to cuddle you and watch movies." I joke and he joins me in the bed.
"Who said anything about cuddling Lucky?" He asks, lifting his hands up and far away from me.
"I did." I say, wrapping my arms around him and pressing my head to his chest. This is weird, this is so weird, I'm laying in his bed, cuddling him, Harry Styles. Young me would be so proud.
He forced me, and I mean forced me, after at least thirty minutes of arguing, to watch the Notebook. I only agreed because of how passionate he was about it, so then I forced him to watch Across The Universe, one of my favorites, but he didn't argue, once he heard The Beatles he was ready for it. Then we watched Sixteen Candles, which we've both already seen, but we didn't really end up watching it this time, we were occupied with each other.
"Oh shit." I mumble, seeing the time on my phone, one in the morning, Cora is probably wondering where I am. "I have to go." I mutter, looking into his eyes, and something that looks like fear washes over him.
"No, stay, please, stay the night." He asks, his fingers traveling up and down my arms, grazing me lightly.
"I don't know, I don't think that's a good idea." I continue to stare at him, but I don't know how I could look at anything else, he's so mesmerizing just sitting here, it'd be a crime to stop looking.
"Why not? We live next door, you can go home in the morning." He sits up, still not breaking contact between the two of us.
"I don't have my things, Cora will wonder where I am, and -" He rolls his eyes right before cutting me off.
"You could borrow something, and like I said before you live next door, you could go get something, and tell Cora, she's one text away. No more excuses, remember what I said, you're beautiful when you're living your life." He brushes my hair back, making this moment all too real. Harry Styles wants me to stay over.
"Fine, just know I do bite, so don't try anything." I point a finger back at him. He crosses his finger over his heart and lunges for me, pulling me back to him.
"For the record, I know you were just freaking out in your head, I could see it in your eyes." He's hovering over me at this point.
"For the record, I will always freak out, there's nothing that's going to change that. Especially right now, freaking Harry Styles is hovering over me, literally right over me." I gush, letting my thoughts out in the open.
"And now Harry Styles is going to kiss you." He jokes and the space between us is gone in seconds, his lips pressing to mine in the most perfect fashion. I feel my body melting into his, with every kiss I receive the feeling is more prominent, it's more evident, and it's way more real. I know any time I am kissed by anyone else it will never match up to this, to him, he's everything I had wanted, but something I knew I'd never actually have, and he's here, right now, kissing me. I push into him, feeling the urge for more, and once I do he gives me the same force back, inviting me in with every part of him. I pull myself back after the spinning of my head becomes all too much. He falls beside me, and as soon as I feel weird about it, he pulls me right onto him, my thighs straddling his lap.
"I'm never going to get used to this." I laugh, feeling so free being able to be honest with this.
"I could get used to this though, us, I mean."  His fingers trace up and down my thighs.
"We can't get used to this, you're leaving for a tour in a few months if I'm not mistaken." I poke at his chest. Oh shit, his chest, what happens when he goes to sleep, does he sleep without a shirt? Fuck me, shit, fuck, dammit. I can't handle that yet, I will shit my pants right here right now if-
"Hey that's not fair, stop thinking about it. I can see you thinking about it right now." He looks at me intently and I cross my arms over my chest. Little does he know that's not what I was thinking about, I was thinking about how great he's going to look when he's naked.
"It's not that it's not fair, it's true, you're gone in a few months, I'm going to be here." I motion around me, and in one swift movement he pulls me down to him, so my head presses to his chest.
"Not if I can help it." He mumbles, his voice and breath brushing my hair back. My mind wanders with what the hell that could mean, my mind wanders so much I just want my brain to be taken out of my head and set to rest. What in the world could he mean? Go to sleep Lucy, just close your eyes and go to sleep. "Goodnight Lucy." He mumbles again. God damnit, I'm already in way too deep.