The Fangirl Next Door - h.s

Chapter 19: don't miss me too much.

A/N: sorry for the time jump, I promise it will make sense!

This past month has been nothing short of wonderful. I've gone to plenty of shows. Harry flew me to New York with the boys for a weekend. My subscribers finally got over my collaboration video with the boys, mostly because Aaron gave me the okay to publicly state that I was good friends with all of them now. The run ins with paps and fans got to be too much and I needed a solution, so now that the public thinks I'm buddy buddy with One Direction they have backed off slightly. Heather is still a raging bitch, though she's fucking Aaron, it's like every time I walk in the room she gets defensive over Harry, like she's got something to prove to me. Harry doesn't seem to notice though, he's completely focused on me, and us.
The time spent with Harry is time I will cherish for a lifetime. Plenty of late nights, so many early mornings, and too many days spent in bed just to enjoy the company of each other. He really is a dream, and waking up right next to him every morning is still something I'll never get used to. Cora continues to make jokes, asking me when I'm going to pack up all my shit and move next door considering that we normally stay at his house for days on end, I don't even remember what my bedroom looks like at this point. I'll be remembering soon though because Harry leaves tonight for tour, the day neither of us wanted to come, the day both of us avoided speaking about.
"You're leaving in a few hours." I mumble upon his chest, breaking the silence. We always lay like this, him on his back, one hand behind his head, the other laced through my hair. Me on my stomach, hands rested upon his chest, chin rested on my hands staring up at him.
"Let's not talk about it." He stares up at the ceiling, he has been for a while now, thinking about something.
"When are we going to talk about it? We can't keep pretending this isn't happening until the plane door closes and I'm left here while you're off being adored by the world." I mumble, and I haven't taken my eyes off of him. I want to keep watch, continue to look at every inch of his face, for fear of forgetting what he looks like in person, and not through a screen.
"We wouldn't have to worry about that if you'd just come with me." He moves away from me standing from his bed and walking towards the drawers across the room.
"Not this again. Harry, I can't just drop my entire life to live yours. What if I asked you to leave the boys, to leave your tour, to change everything?" I sit up and look at him.
"That's different and you know it." He turns back to me, finally looking at me, and though his voice sounds angered his face tells a different story, he's hurt, he's seemed fine everyday until now, and I know why. It's real now, for both of us, goodbye is coming and neither of us want it to, because neither of us are ready for it.
"How is it different? Because my job, my life isn't as important? Because that's exactly what it sounds like you're saying, obviously I'm not part of some world famous band, and I don't have thousands of fans screaming at me night after night, but my life and my friends, and my job are just as important." I lay back in the bed, closing my eyes and pressing the heels of my hands to my forehead. He sighs, and I feel the bed sink down.
"I'm not saying that, I'm sorry Lucy. This is hard, when I leave for tour I never have to leave anyone behind, I've never had to do this before." He mumbles and I look to him, his back turned to me, and his head hanging low.
"Family?" I ask.
"I can leave them easy because I know they will always be there when I get back, they will always be my family, nothing can change that. If I leave you behind.." He stops himself with a sigh.
"I'm not going anywhere. I don't have anywhere to go, this is my home, and you are my home, no matter where you are in the world I will always belong with you, I just can't go with you." I speak lightly, not wanting to add to his hurt.
"I just don't understand how it's so hard for me to grasp onto the fact that I'm going to go weeks without seeing you, and it seems like you're not feeling the same." His voice has never raised at me, not once in this entire relationship, but it does now, and it shocks me.
"You don't think I'm horrified to watch you walk out of my life to go across the globe for months? Well I am Harry. I know it hurts you because you'll be without me but I have to watch you go, I have to sit here and watch you go be successful and conquer the world on tour and I'm supposed to be happy for you, when I'm not happy, I'm devastated it has to be this way. I thought being without you for a weekend trip to New York or Chicago was bad, and now I'm thinking about how the hell I'm going to sit there waiting for your calls when you're not busy for weeks, no months on end. You're making this all about you but it's hard for both of us. I'm terrified of what could happen to us because you're you, you're Harry Styles, and I'm me, I'm-" He cuts me off finally after I feel like I might run out of breath.
"You're Lucy. You're my girl, my love, you're my piece of normal, and don't you dare say anything else. Stop comparing yourself to my life, saying you're not fit, nor good enough because I don't want to hear it anymore, you're more than enough for me, whether we're in the same bed, or across the map, that will never change." He doesn't turn to me, but the force in his voice speaks volumes. I stay silent, wishing we could have had this fight a few days ago, not now, a few hours before he's gone. "I'm sorry Lucy, I'm sorry that I got mad, and upset, and I'm sorry for being selfish, this is harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would feel the same as when I kissed you goodbye before leaving for a few days, but the difference is astronomical. I never knew this feeling until now." He turns his body and I see his side view, his face grim and hurt. I'm not used to seeing him this way, and it's enough to make my stomach turn.
"What feeling?" I ask, crossing my legs and looking down at my hands.
"Lucy I feel like my heart is breaking, I don't want to leave you here." He almost whispers, he only speaks low when he's afraid I wont feel the same, he does this a lot, scared of my reaction to his words. My heart sinks into my stomach, and I crawl towards him, placing myself in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck, and resting my chin on top of his head as I hug him to me.
"I love you." I mumble, not wanting to continue this sob fest any longer, I don't want to cry now, I want to save the tears for when he's gone and I'm alone in my own bed. I pull back and put my hands on each side of his face, forcing him to look up at me, and once I finally look right into the pool of hurt pouring from his eyes I feel stupid, and I feel like I should head home to pack my bags, but I know I can't do that. "Stop looking at me like that." I give him a light smile, trying to brighten his mood for the last few hours.
"It's just my face at this point." His eyes travel down, but I see his lips twitching into a small smile as well.
"You make me want to make very bad decisions when you look like that." I admit.
"What kind of bad decisions?" He looks concerned.
"Decisions involving me packing my bags and buying a plane ticket to Australia." I tell him and his eyes light up a bit, then dim again.
"I'm going to keep my face exactly this way then." He tells me matter of factly, and I roll my eyes.
"I love you, so much, no matter where you are in the world." I tell him, and lean down to kiss him, savoring the taste of his lips.
"I love you, I'm sorry it has to be this way." He mutters the words, once again apologizing for his lifestyle, his status in the world.
"Please don't apologize, I'm not mad or upset with you, this entire situation sucks. Plus it'll be hard to miss you, I can just check the update accounts, and watch your concert videos on youtube the next day, then it'll feel like my life before I even met you." I joke and he scrunches his face.
"Hey... Don't say that." He argues, but there's a tinge of smile on his face.
"And what are you going to do about it huh?" I argue back, crawling off of him. He answers by leaning forward all too quickly melting us together, taking me by surprise. We both separate for a second, his bottom lip brushing mine as we pause right before inevitably crashing together once more. The heat grows quicker and quicker, matching the intensity every time we do this, as if we haven't had enough from the last time. Sex isn't just sex with him though, it's more. It's an emotional connection, and a bond between the two of us, one way we can get to know each other more than we already do, something that molds us into one, and everytime is like the first time, always with the same intensity and passion, as if we never knew each other until this moment.
"I'm not even sure why you put these back on." His voice is brushing on my mouth as he pulls the lace underwear from my body once more. He discards them on the floor, and pulls me close to him by my hips, and I laugh, his smirk only growing. This action, this affection isn't driven by lust, it's driven by love, and it shows.
"You know I like to keep the element of surprise. Will we have sex again? Will we not? Hmm, the world may never know." I shrug my shoulders and lift my hands up along with it as he stares down at me. One swift motion and he's down to my level, my wrists in his hands and his lips pressed to my ear.
"The answer will always be yes, we will in fact have sex again." He pushes into me, and I moan out in response, only feeling love and intense pleasure. His hands let go of my wrists, and my arms latch around him, my fingers already carving his back even though he just started. "You're going to leave marks darling." He slightly laughs, not stopping his movements.
"Good, your habits of walking backstage shirtless will benefit me, Heather will know who you belong to." My words are breathless, flustered from the pleasure coursing through me. He backs away, his hands on my hips. He lifts me up and flips me over quickly, pulling my hips back up, then pushing into me again causing my body to shutter.
"It doesn't matter if she knows... I know." He groans out at the end of his sentence, his thumbs pressing into the small of my back as his pleasure increases. We always have conversation through sex, mostly because it's normal now, us like this. It happens so often we don't sit in silence pleasuring each other, we run our mouths just like usual.
"You know what?" I push on as he pushes in, faster, deeper. My upper half falls onto the bed with a loud moan. I bury my face into the pillows, feeling every inch of him. He pulls me back up, flipping me over once more, forcing me to look at him.
"I know that I'm yours, and I know that I want you to shut up now, and to focus on me." He says and I reach out, pulling him back to me.
His sloppy kisses down my neck cause every part of me to get chills, my toes curling with every thrust at this point, fuck he's good. I feel his hand travel down, pleasuring me more as he continues, as if I needed more pleasure. And I'm done for, mumbling his name as my mind can hardly comprehend anything. Within minutes he reaches the same point, joining me, coming down to my level and breathing heavily. We sit there, catching our breaths, my body feeling cold, not wrapped in his arms, or surrounded by his touch, so I roll, resting my head on his chest which still hasn't stopped its quick paced rise and fall. My arm slinks over his stomach, and I hold onto my love tightly.
"Don't let me go." He mumbles, and my head does the thing again, relating everything back to him.
"So don't let me go, so don't let me go, we can live fore-" His large hand covers my mouth, shutting me up.
"Don't you dare ruin this moment Lucy Collins." He warns and I lick his hand causing him to pull it away, only to wipe it on his bed.
"And if I continue to ruin this moment?" I threaten, smirking to myself.
"Then I'll have to catch my breath and make another moment." He returns a threat.
"All of the rumors, ALL OF THE FIGHTS, We always find a way to make it out alive, thought we were-" I sing loud and proud, further ruining Harry's perfect moment, causing him to cut me off, pouncing.
"That's it." He leans down, investing both of us in another deep kiss, starting round two of the morning, and probably not the last either.

Now hours later, we're both clothed, and sadly making our way to the airport in my car, that way I didn't have to get driven back by one of the boys many drivers. He hasn't let go of my hand since we left the house, and though we made up for the fight this morning with all the intimate moments and laughs we shared the rest of the day, it doesn't make this any easier.
We stay silent, neither of us being the people to fill the space with meaningless conversations, and sappy talk about one another, and because it's too painful to make dull conversation with both our hearts as heavy as they are. The time passes all too quickly, and though there were no words spoken on the ride, I'd rather sit in silence with him for hours, than not be with him, but I have to let him go now, I have to say goodbye to him, and I have to do it right here, from this parking spot, in my car, because I can't go in to send him off. We sit in silence, neither of us looking at each other.
"Just because neither of us are speaking doesn't mean you aren't leaving." I turn to him finally and his eyes are glossy for the first time today. Come on dude, don't cry on me, please...
"I just don't want to say goodbye Lucy." He turns to me too, and he's still got a small smile, but it's not a happy smile, he's smiling through his true feelings.
"Then don't. Hug me, and kiss me, and tell me how much you love me, and go. It doesn't have to be goodbye." I pull him in, yanking his hand forward, causing him to shift towards me. I kiss him sweetly first, then once more, like it's the last time I'll feel his lips on mine, his kiss in return only matching my force. Once we finally break apart he touches his forehead to mine, connecting his hand to my jaw, his fingers grazing my cheek.
"I love you so much Lucy. I'm not sure you'll ever know how much." He mumbles, and I lean in kissing him softly, once more.
"I love you the same, more than words." I tell him, and he pulls back, getting out of the car and lifting his duffle bag from the open window of the backseat. I get out, meeting him at the back of the car, and before I can speak a word I'm being crushed to him. I wrap my arms around him in response, feeling his warmth one last time. Hardly being able to pull away as we look at each other again. I stand on my tip toes, kissing him again, and as soon as I'm back down he pulls my head forward, pressing his lips to my forehead.
"I'll see you soon Lucky." He looks at me and I nod.
"I'll see you soon Harry." I repeat his words back and he turns away, walking towards the airport. "Don't miss me too much." I call out to him.
"I already do love." He looks back, a smile on his lips, and I smile back, watching him walk away, and once he's far enough I let my smile fall, finally able to feel everything I wouldn't in his presence.