The Fangirl Next Door - h.s

Chapter 27: Rapunzel, One Direction crossover.

A/N: this is what I imagine. You'll understand when you read the letter to lucky!! Love you all sm(:

Two weeks have gone by and I'm still here, it's March and I miss Cora and Ian more than ever, I miss L.A and I miss Harry. Of course he's here, but it's been hell getting his attention and his time. His friendship with Heather has been rekindled, mostly because he has to be friends with her. Aaron is making it impossible not to be. He's making these public appearances more and more prominent, and I know he's doing most of them in spite of me. We're in Thailand now, another country I never thought I'd be going to, but here I am. It's not like I've seen any of it, I'm up in a hotel room while they're... honestly I'm not even sure what they're doing at this point, no one keeps me in the loop, they just say, we'll see you at the show! Then they're gone. I call Cora, knowing it's way too late in the night where she is, but hoping she'll be able to answer me. The phone picks up and I smile instantly.
"Lucy Lu!" She cheers into the phone, the background of our home peeking around her, fuck I miss home.
"Ugh I miss you so much." I whine into the phone, laying across the bed.
"What about me!" I hear Ian in the background then he comes into view.
"I miss you too, I think this is the longest I've gone without seeing you since we were born." I tell him and he laughs.
    "Where is Harry?" Cora asks and my silence answers her. "Lucy, you've called me every day this week, he's been gone every single time. Do you even spend time with him? Are you just locked up in your tower all day? Fucking rapunzel One Direction crossover bullshit." She sits up through the facetime and I bury my head in the covers.
"I'm not allowed to go out with all of them." I admit to her, hating the way it sounds.
"And I'm not allowed to drink when I'm on antidepressants but I get black out whenever the hell I want. Moral of the story is fuck that hobbit's bitch ass and do whatever you want, Lucy you can't be having fun." She argues, and she's serious but I laugh at her words.
"I'm having fun. I'm in Thailand!" I raise my hands up, and smile.
"No you're in a hotel room in Thailand. I doubt you've been outside except to leave the airport and go to the hotel." Ian chimes in, and I shrug my shoulders.
    "I didn't call you guys so you could make me feel worse." I tell them both, and Cora sighs.
    'We aren't trying to make you feel bad, we just want to make sure you're not letting him treat you badly. You don't deserve that." She argues.
    "Well I'm going to go shower, so I'll talk to both of you later." I tell both of them, feeling my mind travel to Harry. "He loves me, and I love him. He might not be physically here, but he's only a call away, and I'm by his side every night." I tell them, defending Harry. They nod their heads but their faces show doubt.
    "We love you, have a good night Luce." Cora hangs up the phone and I think of him. I click his contact and press the call button, putting it on speaker. It rings three times before the call is declined and I find myself sighing. Seconds later I get a text, "Busy. Sorry, I love you though." I read it over a few times and get an idea, clicking Liams contact. It rings three times too, but I don't get a voicemail.
    "Hey, is everything okay?" He asks.
    "Yea! Just wondering what time you all are heading to the venue." I lie, trying to hide my disappointment.
    "Probably within the next two hours." He tells me. "Hey Lucy, are you okay?" He asks.
    "I'm fine! I'll talk to you later, bye Liam." I try to make my voice sound light, even though my heart is heavy. He hangs up and I find myself heading to the bathroom, going for a shower, but as the water runs I find myself looking in the mirror.
My face sunken, my eyes tired. I feel like right now I don't even recognize who I am, that's because I'm not the same person who left L.A two months ago. I'm a different girl, and not in the way I wanted to be different. I look as beaten down as I feel, and I just want to crawl in bed right now. I continue to stare, knowing I need motivation.
"Get your shit together Lucy. You're fine." I tell myself, and I see my facade faltering, my strong face melting away. "You're fine, this is fine." I tell myself again, my voice cracking as I do.
    I cover myself with my hands and let my tears fall, finally after this entire charade I cry. Sliding my back on the closed door, until my butt hits the floor. Cora and Ian were both right, I don't deserve this, but the more I think about going home, the harder I cry. I can't leave him, but how can I sit here if he doesn't love me the way I love him? I feel my body moving before my mind can catch up. I pull my knees to my chest and move the rest of the way to the ground as I do.
I think back to my parents, back to my real home, thinking about what they'd tell me to do. Pray, they'd tell me to pray, and I don't believe in God, they knew I didn't but they did, and that was always their answer when I didn't know what the hell to do. I choke on my own tears as I lay there, feeling every bit of pain I haven't let myself feel. All the love I have for him laid out in front of me, but I can't see any of his love, because it's miniscule compared to the love I have.
    "Why? Why do I love him?" I cry out loud for no one to hear. "God please, please give me anything, just please let him love me, please make room in his heart for me please, I can't take it." I push the words from the pits of my chest, begging a god I don't believe in. My tears taking over all of me as I cry.
    I let myself have this moment, but the moment turned into an hour, I finally got up to turn off the shower I never got in. I pick up my phone, seeing no missed calls from Harry, feeling numb to that sight, getting used to the thought of him not caring. I decide staying here right now would be best, seeing him right now might send me back to that place I was in just a few minutes ago.
I lay myself on my side of the bed, knowing even if I spread myself out he wouldn't be back until too late for it to matter, he could move me over when I sleep. I need to take care of myself, and that's been the last thing on my list of priorities, mostly because caring for him is more important, making sure he's happy and healthy for tour. He's got people looking up to him, and though I've still been doing videos every week, no one cares how I am, he's more important, and I'm okay with that. I feel the vibration of my phone and realize it's been a while since I've laid here. I answer without looking, putting it on speaker.
    "Hello?" His voice is loud in the phone, and once I hear his voice I wipe my eyes, and suck in a shallow breath.
    "Hi!" I try to brighten up, hoping he doesn't hear the emotion I'm feeling in my voice.
    "Where are you? Did something happen? I haven't seen or heard from you all day, and we go on in ten." He tells me quickly, his voice sweet, but he sounds annoyed.
    "I'm not feeling the best right now, I decided to stay in, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I didn't want to bother you." I lie, knowing he doesn't need to know what I was really doing.
    "What kind of not feeling good? Do you need a doctor? Lucy I-" He starts to ramble and do the thing where he pretends like there's something he can do, even though there's not considering he's going on stage in a few minutes.
    "I'm okay. I'll see you after you get home from the after party or whatever you're all doing." I tell him, feeling congested, and just awful mentally and physically.
    "I love you so much Luck. I'll be with you as soon as I can, I promise." The words I promise ring in my ear, knowing his promises are starting to lose their meaning, no matter what he's promising. The words I love you sting, mostly because even though he says he loves me "so much" I'm not sure if it's enough, I'm not sure if it's much at all.
    "I love you, have a good show please. Don't worry about me." I tell him.
    "Okay Luck. I love you." He tells me and hangs up quickly, and I listen to the dead line for a few seconds before taking the phone away from my ear. He probably isn't going to think about me until he sees the hotel again, not until I'm in plain sight, because that's what it feels like, out of sight out of mind.
    "Fuck Lucy, stop crying." I tell myself out loud, realizing I've been talking to myself more than Harry has been talking to me. None of this is in control, but he doesn't realize him doing nothing is breaking my heart more than anything right now. I can only give so much to him before there's nothing left to give, and I'm running low, feeling myself drawing near to empty. I wipe my eyes and lay my head down, trying to make myself stay awake as long as possible, hoping I will maybe catch him when he walks back through the door.
    I'm scrolling through instagram over an hour later, seeing all the pictures from the show tonight, seeing him, smiling as wide as ever, feeling joy as I look at the pure happiness on his face as he performs, he's always happy when he's up there, and one day maybe I'll have that happiness. Maybe one day I'll be the reason he smiles like that, he's one of the only things that makes me smile and cry. He makes me feel everything, and I know I need him, but I hate that. I see videos of Best Song Ever, they sound amazing and... and the door just opened. I watch him walk into the room and he notices the confusion on my face.
    "Why are you here?" I ask, pulling the covers up over my body, not wanting to feel the cold air.
    "Because you said you didn't feel well, and I haven't seen you all day, and I told Aaron to fuck off, one night away from his little game won't ruin anything. Why do you sound so surprised?" He asks, coming closer after he kicks his shoes off.
    "I just- I don't know, normally you're not back until really late I just figured..." My voice trails off.
    "You sound like you've been crying, Lucy are you okay?" He comes right to me now, sitting on the bed, placing my chin in his large hand, just his touch bringing life to my body again. I close my eyes, reveling in the feeling, knowing I won't be feeling it tomorrow. Trying to capture this feeling in my memory.
    "I'm fine, I just haven't felt well, so I cried, but I'm fine, please don't worry." I urge, feeling bad. I don't want him to think I am fishing for attention, or trying to take away from him. If my heart had a voice it would be screaming out, yelling and ripping through this silence, maybe I'd be honest about all of this to him, but luckily my heart can only be felt by me, he doesn't deserve to feel such a heavy burden.
    "You don't sound fine, Lucky you can talk to me, please talk to me, please let me hear your voice." He begs and I look up at him.
    "I'm fine. I promise." Another empty promise slipping from my lips, joining the pile we've both accumulated since this relationship started.
    "What can I do?" He asks and I shrug.
    "Whatever makes you happy. I'm fine with anything. Are you sure you should be here right now, I don't want Aaron to-" I start and he kisses me, his lips taste sweet, like the cherry chapstick he wears.
    "I don't want to hear his name fall from your lips, he's not a concern here, you're the concern, I'll change, and lay here with you, and you can cry, or laugh, or talk, or do whatever makes your heart happy." He tells me, kissing me again after he finishes. The taste of him lingers on me, and he'll never know that the things that make him happy are what will make me happy.
He does as he says, changing into a sweatshirt and sweatpants, laying next to me, pulling me to his chest, and I let him move me where he wants me, wanting him to feel comfortable. I lean into him, filling my lungs with his scent, but there's a hint of her on him, a hint of her perfume on his body, filling me up, and tears burn my eyes. I know he hasn't cheated, but the truth of the situation brings the tears. The truth of Heather being more of a centerpiece in his life than I am. She's fake, their love isn't real, but the pain I feel due to her is real, it's more real than anything I'll ever feel.
    "I'm sorry you're feeling so bad love." He hears me cry and I press my head to his chest tighter, even though I can't shake her smell from him, I can't shake the thought of them, the thought of Aaron, the thought of all the bad comments, and side notes said about me or to me. So I ignore the little voice in my head telling me to not show him how bad I'm hurting, and let myself cry, mostly because he doesn't know the real reason I'm crying on him, and he won't know. "We'll get you some medicine tomorrow." He tells me, rubbing his hand on my back, his other hand brushing through my tangled mess of hair.
The only medicine that can help is him, he's my medicine, but he's also my pain and sickness. He's every emotion I carry in my chest, bundled into one. I let myself get tired finally, knowing there's no reason to stay awake because he's actually here, and I fall asleep now for the first time in over a week with him by my side. I fall asleep with company tonight, a feeling that's foreign to me now.

LETTER TO LUCKY//  FIVE

    Lucky, tonight I felt like I was running home, coming right from the show to you, seeing you, my home. It was a rush, it felt so pure, it felt so satisfying until saw your face. It's like the pain transferred right to me when I saw you. I'm not sure what's going on, I don't even deserve to know at this point because I know this pain is probably caused by me. I feel like that's all I cause you, pain. I like to tell myself you're happy but I'm not sure if that's true, because how can someone be happy when they are shoved away and hidden from the world. Aaron has me treating you like a circus animal, and tonight I drew a line. I know I'll have repercussion for walking out on Heather tongiht. After I talked to the other boys they all backed me up, telling me that we both deserved a night like this, they said we both deserve more than one of these nights, and by both I think they meant you. They're right though, you deserve every night to be like this, minus the tears.
    You're curled up on my lap right now, your head resting right on me, your hair spread out all over and I swear Lucky, you're a work of art. You're a gift I didn't deserve but I will cherish for as long as I've got you, and I'm hoping that's a long time. My sweetest creature. Do you ask yourself how this happened Lucy? How we ended up here? If I had known moving into that small house, becoming a resident of Flagship Circle, was going to bring me you, I would have moved in a long time ago.I know this start, the beginning of us, has not been easy, and I know that's my fault, but no matter what has happened I would do every bit of it over again to hold you like I am right now, to see you in such a peaceful state as we sit up in room over the city. Every night when I'm singing those songs up on that stage I'm thinking of you, I know you love the songs, you love them more than anyone else I know, and though they were written before I met you I think of you, I relate them to you. Girl Almighty was made for you Lucky. You are the girl almighty, you're made of lightning, people do say your love is fake, but they don't know you like I do, your love is more real than anything I've ever felt, I hope you know that.
    I see you're missing home, I miss our home too. I'm used to that feeling though, and I know you're not, but I think you'll get used to it, I just hope I can make it worth that feeling, I hope I can make this tour worth it for you, even though I don't think I've done a good job of that. I don't know though, mostly because you won't tell me. You won't tell me any of your feelings, and It feels like you're afraid to tell me them, but why? Lucky where is this sudden timid nature coming from? Where is the sudden fear coming from? I wish you would understand how much your happiness means to me, but you can't understand that, mostly because your happiness hasn't been a factor in your own life it seems.
    I promise, no, I'm tired of saying those words to you, your face scrunches, your nose does that thing where it twitches a bit at the tip when I say that. I'll do everything in my power... yes I like that better. I'll do everything in my power to put your happiness first, and it's always there, the thought of you is always there no matter what I do, but I will put it forward, not in the back of my mind, but right in the front, if you're not going to put your own self first I will, because at the least you deserve that. I wish you knew how much I love you Lucky, and maybe one day I'll give these letters to you, but for now it'll get tucked away in my journal along with the others, if you are reading this then I hope you can see how much love I hold for you, how much compassion my heart holds for you. You're my golden girl, my angel, my home.
- I love you Lucky, H.