The Fangirl Next Door - h.s

Chapter 30: until then

A/N: Last chapter, and then epilogue. LOVE YOU ALL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT(:

I pull into my own driveway and get out of the uber, feeling a weird and uneasy feeling seeing my own home after so long. I've never been away this long. I notice there are no cars in my own driveway except my own, Cora didn't know I was coming home so I didn't expect her to be here. I walk to the door, unlocking it and walking through, smelling the familiar air and setting my keys on the side table, enjoying the sound of my feet on the hardwood.
The jet lag, another thing I haven't prepared myself for, is hitting me hard right now, but I'm home, I have no obligation to anyone or anything but myself so taking a nap is not a crime. I leave all my shit piled by the front door and I walk to the couch, laying myself down, covering myself in my favorite wool blanket, and closing my eyes, knowing this peace won't last long once Cora gets home.
I wake up to the sun dipping down, still no sign of Cora, of course not, if she walked in and saw me home she would have flipped her shit, maybe I should call her now, maybe I should actually turn my phone on after that flight and all day of being silent. Liam probably wants to know if I made it home safe, Harry probably hasn't even noticed I'm gone yet. I walk up the stairs, turning my phone on, and as soon as I walk through my door, the notification sound is deafening. It won't stop coming, missed calls from Harry, missed calls from Liam, text after text flooding in, post after post notification popping up. I open the notifications first, pictures of me, flooding the internet, pictures of me crying in the airport, all sorts of headlines following each, every one of them worse than the other.
I continue to read the headlines for some reason, my eyes working faster than my brain, and my tears streaming and before I can stop myself, my phone is thrown across the room, hitting the wall as hard as it can. It goes off again and I walk over to it, taking my shoe and stomping it, breaking the glass, watching the screen turn black, and I look up, searching for my bag. I grab it from the floor, ripping my laptop from it, taking the macbook and smashing it on my desk, hitting it as hard as I can until I hear the satisfying crunch. I can't fucking take it anymore, I can't take the fans, I can't take it, I want every single person in this world gone, I don't want any of them to contact me, call me, see how I'm doing... because no one deserves it.
I take a deep breath and brush my hair out of my face, fuck I need a drink, that sounds better than anything right now. I deserve a drink, I deserve to drink by myself, I deserve to be alone. I walk down the stairs, retreaving the only bottle in the cubbord, Vodka. This will ease the fucking thoughts going through my head. I walk back up the stairs, taking the biggest swig I can, walking through my doors again, seeing the destruction of my electronics on the floor. I won't be needed anyway. I drink as much as I can, surprised I haven't rejected the taste yet considering I hardly drink as it is, but I can feel it now, after downing as much as I have I can feel the alcohol in my system, it's almost as real as the tears that have poured out as I stare up at the pictures of him on the walls.
"Fuck you. I fucking hate you, I hate all of you!" I yell at the wall, feeling just as crazy as I probably look at this point. I can't stand it, I can't stand to look anymore, fuck him. I lift the bottle to my lips again, hoping it will help, but I look up, and once again feel my heart sinking at the pictures on the wall. I run to them, my hands pulling as hard as they can at every photo of his fucking face, all of his friends too, ripping them down and tearing them up.
"Fuck you!" I scream at the top of my lungs. I run into the side table as I back up and I push it down, hearing it hit the floor, feeling the satisfaction. My vinyls pour on the ground and I rummage through them, finding the two I was searching for and take the contents out, breaking the records in half and discarding them across the room as my hands throw them. I turn to the bed, the bed he laid in, the bed he lied to me in, the bed he fucking told me he loved me in, and I feel myself losing it with every new thought popping into my head.
I start pulling the mattress, feeling it slip over the edge of the bed frame. My fingers struggle as they rip at the sheets, yanking them as hard as I can to pull them off. Fuck every memory, fuck every thought of him. I pull one last time trying to get them off and I fall to the ground, losing my balance.
As I sit here, gulping for air, feeling the anxiety creep back in, I reach for the bottle yet again, wanting this to be gone just as much as the thought of him, so I drink. It burns going down, it burns more than I thought it would but nothing burns as much as he did, and I want to be numb, I want this feeling gone, and I want to be numb so I never have to be hurt again, no matter what people do to me. I know I'm crying, I know I won't stop crying for a long time but no matter how long I cry, no matter what good things come my way, the pain will always be real.
I hear shuffling and I take the bottle, throwing it as hard as I can, seeing as it's the only thing I haven't destroyed in this moment and I see it fly right past him, right past his fucking head and hit the wall. It's not him, why the fuck would he be here, stop fucking imagining him, stop wishing for him Lucy, He's gone, and he's never coming back. I cover my hands over my face, breaking all the way down, shaking as I cry, and that's when I feel it. Warm hands lifting me up, and that's when I smell it. It's him, it has to be him, he's really here. That's when I lose it, every ounce of sanity left in my body is gone as I'm being lifted off of the ground.
My hands shove as hard as they can and when they do I stumble backwards, hitting the wall as I do. He looks at me, alarmed, shocked, like he's scared at this point. He reaches his hand out, not saying a word, but showing me how hurt he is by his eyes, there's no hope in them now, not one bit and I've never seen that, not once in my life have I seen that, and I'm glad. I stole his hope, just like he stole me, he stole Lucy, she's fucking gone.
"Fuck you! Fuck you, and go away! I don't want you here! I don't ever want to see your face again! You ruined me! You fucking ruined me! Do you see this?" I lift my hands wide, showing off the disaster I created. "This was you! It was all you, caused by all your fucking lies, and your stupid selfishness!" I scream louder than I ever have, hoping he can understand me, hoping he can understand how angry I am despite my slurs, despite my body swaying from side to side.
"Lucy stop, now. You need help." He steps forward again and I push him back, shoving him with all my might and I start crying again.
"You stop! Stop showing up! Stop walking into my life no matter what I do to get you to leave me alone! You pushed your way in, and I knew I would end up this way, I fucking knew it and here we are, here I am, and you're still trying, you're trying to fucking ruin me but you already have!" I yell, not knowing who this is anymore, this is not Lucy, Lucy is gone, Lucy would never in a million years do this.
"You need to calm down." He mumbles, and he grabs my wrist, pulling it to him, pulling me against his chest. I push as hard as I can, trying to get away from him but I'm no use against his arms. "Shhhh. Shhh. Calm down Lucy." He's mumbling into my ear and I feel the burn in my arms from trying so hard to get away from him.
"Let go of me, you can't hold me captive anymore! I'm not your fucking pet!" I yell louder, hoping it will help him understand how badly I want to be left alone.
"I'm not letting go until you calm yourself down Lucy." He's kept a straight tone this entire time. "I've never seen you like this, I've never seen anyone like this. I need you to calm down before I go anywhere." He tells me again and I force myself to stay still. Crying harder as I do that I once again have given into him, feeling pathetic for doing so. Once my breathing returns to normal he lets me go, and I back away quickly, wiping my face, still feeling the alcohol in my system. "How much did you drink?" He asks.
"It's none of your business how much I-" I start and feel myself getting sick, sick at the scene laid out in front of me, sick from the spinning of my head, and sick at the feeling in my chest, telling me I still love this man, despite how badly I'm hurting. I run to the bathroom, throwing myself on the floor as I empty out straight Vodka, mostly because I haven't eaten since I got on that plane. I hear him in the doorway, but I don't feel him on me, he's finally giving me space. As soon as I stop, I lean to the side, my back pressing to the wall as I take a deep breath. "Does that answer your stupid question?" I mumble, opening my eyes up to the blurry, but breathtaking man in front of me. His arms are crossing over his chest as he stares down at me, his jaw is clenched, his face is hard.
"Can I please help you now?" He asks and I glare at him and shake my head no, pushing myself up and flushing the toilet myself. I push past him and walk out of my room, stumbling down the stairs and walking right to the front door to open it.
"Get out." I speak in a low voice, trying to sound as serious as I can.
"I'm not going anywhere. I will not leave you like this Lucy, you're a wreck right now, and you shouldn't be alone." He walks to the door, slamming it shut, and I stumble back.
"Oh! Now you care about me being alone? Since when did you start giving a damn about anything but what your fucking manager says? Why are you here, why the fuck are you here? I left you, I left and came here for a goddamn reason. To get away from you!" I throw my hands up and his arms are still crossed over his chest.
"I'm here because I went on stage with the thought of going to the hotel, and talking to you, and working something out, but when I got to the hotel, every fucking thing of yours was gone, there was no trace of you and I went fucking mad. I screamed at Liam for not telling me you were leaving, Lucy this wasn't how it was supposed to end!" He's trying his hardest not to raise his voice, mostly because he knows he's wrong.
"This shouldn't have even started! You and I both knew this would be a fucking mess, because of who I am, or who I was, because you took it all from me, you took that girl and she's fucking gone Harry, I don't know who the fuck I am anymore, and that's why I left the way I did. Because I knew I needed to stay away from you to fucking find myself, I had to leave before it was too late, and I couldn't keep giving you all my love, not when you didn't love me the same." I turn my back to him.
"Lucy, I do love you, I know why you questioned it, I can see why you would, because I'm an ass, I'm a fucking idiot for not seeing all the signs, but I see it now, I want to fix it, I'm here, I left tour, and I'm here to fix this, and I can't tell you enough how much I love you, please Lucy." He pleads, and I can hear his voice traveling closer.
"I want you out of my house. I want you out of my life." I practically growl at him. I hear nothing, silence fills the room. "What do I have to do? What the fuck do I need to do so you'll understand? Do you want me to fucking hit you? Slit my fucking wrists? Call the fucking police? Go away! I've told you that since the beginning and you've never listened! Go away Harry!" I yell louder than I ever did before and he flinches at me, and it hurts, it hurts to see us both so broken.
"Please just calm down, and talk to me, work this out with me Lucy, don't make me out to be some evil person. I made a mistake, I made so many mistakes, and I'm sorry I did, I just want-" The door crashes open, interrupting him. Cora and Ian walk in, freezing in their tracks at the sight.
"Lucy? What the fuck are you- Why is he here? What's going on?" Cora asks and she looks at me now, actually looks at me, seeing my tear stains, noticing my messed up clothes. "Go home Harry." She looks to him now, her and Ian actually walking in, Ian closing the door behind him.
"I came all this way, I came here to fix this Cora, it's none of your concern." He defends and I'm not used to this side of him, seeing him stand up for what he wants, maybe that's why he never stood up for me to Aaron, because he never wanted me.
"Do you not fucking see her man? Do you not realize what she's gone through? Get the fuck out, go the fuck back to where you came from." Ian steps up, getting in his face. I've never seen Harry so angry either, his face is hard as a rock, his cheeks turning slightly red.
"I love her, I am tired of being told what to do, I won't fucking do it anymore! I'm not fucking leaving!" He yells, and the deepness of his voice booms in my ears, and I cover them, cowering down, huddling myself to Cora who is by my side now.
"She's fucking afraid of you, you've done enough, you've fucked her up since the moment you started this stupid fucking game. Go home, if she wants to talk to you she will, now go away." Ian has lowered his voice now, due to my response to the yelling, but that doesn't stop me from crying into Cora. Fuck I missed her. I hear shuffling, and footsteps coming straight towards me.
"Lucy, I leave tomorrow at noon. I'm sorry, I can't tell you how sorry I am, and I will never be able to change what happened, but maybe these will help you to understand. Please, please think about it. I love you, more than you know." I look up, seeing his hand extended with papers in it, all folded, all titled with the word "Lucky." and he keeps his arm extended, waiting for me to take them. I hold my hand out, taking them from him, and looking down at my feet, not wanting to see the disappointment or the hurt in his eyes. With that he walks out, leaving all of us, and closing the door behind him.
"Let's get you upstairs, come on Luce." Cora holds me, rubbing my back, but I don't follow.
"I can't go to my room." I admit and she looks at me confused. 'I messed it up." I tell her again.
"Go to my room, take a shower, take a deep breath, lay down, or come down here, if you want to talk both of us are here, we aren't going anywhere." She tells me, and Ian walks over to me and stands by the two of us. I look between both of them and try to walk without falling over, but I still stumble, and Ian takes that as his cue to help me. He lifts me up in his arms and walks me up the stairs himself, turning to Cora's room instead of my own and sits me on the counter, walking to the bathtub and turning it on, feeling the water to get the right temperature before he plugs it up.
"When did you get here Lu, why didn't you call or text?" He asks as he sits there, waiting for the tub to fill.
"I didn't want a million questions, I wanted to get on a plane and come here, and once I got here I might have broke my phone." I tell him, letting my head rest on the mirror behind me. "Why the fuck am I so stupid Ian?" I stifle a sob and I feel his hands on my shoulders in seconds, and I'm pulled forward, my head resting on his shoulder.
"You're not stupid Lucy. You love him, you went because we told you to, not knowing this would happen, and I'm sorry. You don't have to talk about it, you don't have to talk to him, but I'm here to talk to you, I always will be." He tells me, his hand rubbing circles on my back as I cry to him.
"It just hurts, this hurts so much more than I ever thought it would Ian." I shake and he holds me tighter.
"It's okay, it's going to be okay." He tells me and I don't believe a word he says, I don't believe anyone at this point, because everyone I have listened to in the past few months has been wrong, or has fucked me over, except Liam, who I still haven't spoken to. "Come on, just relax for a little bit, we'll be waiting whenever you're ready." He pulls me off the counter and stands me up, turning around and turning the water off. He leaves me in the bathroom and closes the door behind him, and just as I'm about to get in the tub I see the letters, I look for a few moments, contemplating, and then I turn back towards the water, feeling the warmth calming me instantly. I rest my head on the back of the tub, closing my eyes and letting the silence take over.
I swear the letters are staring me down, and every time they slip my mind, moments later they come back, screaming at me. Should I read them, should I toss them, should I burn them, should I lock them away? As soon as the water runs cold and I get out I walk over, taking them in my hands and sitting myself on the counter, opening the first one. Letter to Lucky? How long has he been writing these? Since the day he left for tour, that long?
I read through the first one and made it through fine, feeling warm, feeling almost nostalgic of the time that letter was written. Letter two is the same, but it makes me see what was really going on, what happened on his end of all of this.The third letter never got finished, and I remember walking in on him writing it, at the time I didn't know what it was, I had no idea what he was writing, but now I do, he never intended for me to read these, this is just his last chance, and his last hope of getting what he wants. Letter four hurts though, he always beat himself up over every fight, everything Aaron said, everything Heather said, he hated himself for it but he never showed me that, the way he spoke of me, the way he admires me in these letters is something I never saw.
Letter five, He knew I was hurting but he didn't know what to do because I wouldn't let him in, and he was right, I never let him in. The way he watched me, the way he noticed everything about me, in every tiny detail, it's pure love, he loved me, My sweetest creature He says, and my heart throbs.The comparison to Girl Almighty, and now I'm in tears again. The last letter, letter six, the letter he wrote after I was gone, and he really was a mess. He didn't know I was leaving, and when he found out it shocked him, it hurt him. He knows he messed up, he knows what he did, and he knows he'll get punished for leaving but he doesn't care. He's taking every bit of blame for all the bad things we went through, I went through.
He's written every feeling in these letters, every thought in his head and it's because that's how his brain works, he's better at writing it out than speaking it out loud, he knows what to say when he's got a pen and paper, but in person he's a fucking dumbass. He tells me what I've given him, I know I mean more to him than I thought I had, he just didn't know how to say it and I see why now. He's been burned, he's been hurt, and every time he lays his heart out on the line he gets pushed to the side so this time he stayed guarded, he stayed protected, and he had no idea that was pulling us as far apart as we could go, and now we're here, we're broken, and there's nothing we can do about it.
A knock on the door pulls me from my thoughts. I fold the letters up, stacking them the way they had been before, and I open the door, revealing Ian, who eyes the letters instantly.
"Why did you read those? Give them to me Lucy." He opens his hand out and I pull them back.
"Don't. I'm a big girl, I'll make my own decisions, I'm tired of you and Cora, and Harry, and Aaron, and everyone else telling me what my next move should be, I'm in charge now, I will make the choice myself." I warn him, and he raises his hands in surrender, letting me keep hold of my letters.
"You've been here over an hour, I was just coming to make sure you were okay." He tells me, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I'm fine, I just lost track of time. Where's Cora?" I ask.
"She's in your room, she's almost done cleaning up." He tells me and I instantly feel bad, now that I'm sober, I know what I did was rash, and I hate that I broke both my phone and my laptop, knowing I won't be able to get a new one until tomorrow. I walk out of her room, a towel still wrapped around me, and I see her remaking my bed from the hall as I walk in.
"Thank you, I'm sorry for this, for everything." I mumble ,walking in and going straight to my drawers, that are still pretty bare due to my suitcase still sitting downstairs.
"I'm just glad you're home Lucy. I knew what was happening, you're my best friend, I missed you, I just- I'm happy you're home, even if the circumstances aren't the best I'm happy to see you here." She walks up to me, my bed now freshly made.
"I'm going to change, and then can we talk?" I ask her, and she looks shocked to hear it, normally I'm closed off but I want to talk now after calming down, after reading the letters, I want to open up, I want to spill my heart, and I want to do it without feeling bad for it. She nods and walks from my room, taking the trash downstairs from my destruction as I slip into a t-shirt and some shorts, pulling my wet hair out of my face. Once she's back up and I let her in, Ian and her sit on my bed, looking at me, and I spill it all, telling them everything I went through the entire time I was away, every detail I tried to hide from them is out in the open now.
"I'm glad you came home then, you didn't deserve any of that, shit Liam was the only real one, the other boys too, but Liam especially, he deserves a fucking award." Cora tells me and I nod, thinking of him.
"He was there the most, he always made me feel at home, but now I'm actually home, and the letters, those letters Harry wrote to me, it spilled everything and I understand what he was going through now too, and no it doesn't make any of this okay, it doesn't make the words he said, or the lack of communication, or the hurt I'm feeling okay, but I don't know what to do, I love him, and I'm not going to stop, and I know now that he isn't either." I tell them, and I feel weak admitting I still love him, but I'm now realizing that this is what love is, it's pain, it's weakness, and it fucking sucks.
"I hate to tell you this, but maybe you should go talk to him?" Cora suggests and Ian shoots his head in her direction.
"No you shouldn't, he should rot in hell, he doesn't deserve to talk to you, I don't give a damn if he came all this way." Ian defends and I look between him and Cora.
"So you're telling me you wouldn't go see her if you were in this situation?" I ask him, nodding to Cora and he sighs.
"I would go see her, but neither of us would be in this situation because we both love each other." He fights, and it stings when he says it.
"They do too, just because it's not the same doesn't mean there isn't love there Ian, they are in a completely different situation than the two of us so don't try to compare the two. Lucy, I'll support you in whatever you do, but maybe you should rest, sleep on it before you make any decisions?" She suggests, and I nod to her, looking at the pitch black outside as I do.
"I'm uhm- I want to make a video tonight, asking for some space, for some time away from youtube, and I need to use one of your laptops so I can edit it, is that okay?" I ask, and they both nod.
"Use mine when you need it, I've got all the software." Ian tells me, and they both leave me to make the video. I click the camera on, a bare face and a t-shirt on, knowing this video isn't the usual for me. My fangirl wall missing due to my outburst earlier, but I'm glad it's gone for now, I needed it gone.
"Hello everyone, it's Lucy, and as you can see, all of this surrounding me, and just me in general, tells you today's video isn't a normal one. It's going to be short, but that's because I'm coming on here to say I won't be posting for a while. I need some time, I need some space, and before you say anything, this is not due to you guys, nor anyone else, this is for me. I am not feeling like myself, I'm not feeling the best mentally or physically and I have always been open and honest to all of you, so I'm admitting that these past few months I refused to say that out loud, but I'm accepting it now. I need to get healthy again, get in a good mindset before I can post weekly for you and right now isn't that time. I have seen the concern online, I've seen the speculation, I've seen the comments, and I ask you all with everything in me to please leave the boys out of this, this is about me. Not them, not you, not my friends, or my family. I need this for me. The truth will come out soon, I'll tell you everything when the time is right, but for now I just need this to be the way it is. If you see me out, don't hesitate to talk to me, don't hesitate to send me messages, because I'll reply to as many as I can. Thank you for being the best subscribers in the world, and the best people in the world. I love you so much, and with all the kindness in the world, this is Lucy, signing off. I'll see you all soon." I click the camera off, stealing Ians laptop and sending the video out in the world, shutting it off, and shutting my brain off too, closing my eyes and letting sleep take over.
I wake up the next morning and I see Cora in the kitchen as soon as I'm down the stairs, already dressed, no makeup, natural hair, but nevertheless I'm ready. She eyes me as she sips her coffee, and soon the mug is down.
"How's my little psychopath? Ready to go talk to Harry?" She asks, and I glare at her with my hands pressed to the counter.
"Sometimes a mental breakdown is healthy, first of all, and second of all, it's not going to be like that. I'm not leaving again, and I'm not doing long distance, but after reading those letters I know that we both deserve to have a conversation where I'm not screaming bloody murder, and he's not angry and not thinking straight. I'll be back in a little, and no I won't be in tears." I tell her, and she walks around the counter, setting her cup down and pulling me into a hug.
"I trust you, and I support you. I'm glad you're home Lucy Lu, I missed you. Don't think that I'm turning soft though, I won't hesitate to rip his dick off, and as for that little shithead manager, can I please post the picture of him and that skinny bitch, PLEASEEEEE." Cora pulls away and I point my finger at her.
"You will not, under any circumstances post that picture, I'd rather you delete it actually. Heather and I are not on bad terms, I won't be seeing Aaron again, there's no need, I'm leaving, do not post that photo Cora." I walk away and she groans.
"You're no fucking fun." She mumbles as I walk out the door, closing it. I start to walk to his yard, then I see him sitting there, on his porch, his knees pulled up, and he sees me instantly, his head shoots up. I nod towards my car, signaling for him to follow along and he jumps up without hesitation, walking through the yard, opening the passenger door to join me.
We sit in silence as we drive and the only noise is the wind whipping and the light tinge of music from my stereo, but it's not uncomfortable. We pull up to the familiar dirt parking lot and we both get out, walking to our seats, walking to the place I missed the most while I was away, Lucy's place. We sit down and I can tell he's nervous from the constant movement, he's normally still and calm, but right now I'm calm and he's not.
"I would apologize for the way I acted yesterday, but I'm not going to, because I feel like everything I said and did was justified. I read your letters too, I appreciate them, though a lot of this would have been avoided if I had read some of them sooner, they were sweet though, honestly everything I had wanted to hear from you for months now." I tell him, knowing me speaking first will take some of the weight from him, knowing he's carrying it all right now.
"So you believe me now?" He asks and I slowly nod.
"I know you love me, more than I thought you did at least, but that doesn't change everything that happened, everything I was put through." I tell him. Rocking in the chair as I look out over the ocean, this place is the only place I will always feel calm, no matter what is going on in my life, I know I'll be okay when I'm here.
"If I could take it all back I would, If I could have told Aaron no from the beginning I would have Lucy, I would have gone public with you the first chance I got, I would have brought you in the lights, and shown you off, but I didn't. No one knew you were mine and that was my mistake, because everyone should have known, you're beautiful, every part of you should be shown off and I was the idiot that listened to what other people said." He's eager when speaking to me, but he's trying to keep his voice down to a minimum.
"I never needed the world's attention, all I wanted was yours." I tell him truthfully, and silence washes over the two of us. We both rock back and forth, watching the waves lightly tumble into the shore, and I know my words were more than honest. Of course it would have been nice being seen as his girlfriend to everyone else, but I didn't need the fans or the paps to see his love for me, I needed to see his love for me, and I didn't.
"What does this mean? What does all of this mean for us? Lucy I know you don't want to hear it, but you're my world, I don't want to lose you over idiotic misakes when I know I can do better, I can show you the love you deserve, I can be the person I need to be for you." He tells me, and I can hear the honesty in his voice. I know he's right, but that doesn't mean this feels right at this point in time.
"I know you can, but I can't. I can't do the tour, I can't do the hotel rooms, I can't do your management. I can't do it anymore, and though I thought touring with all of you would have been my dream it was my nightmare, and I won't do it anymore. Going along with that... I won't do long distance either, waiting all night for your calls, and hoping you're not off doing something you know I won't be happy about, it's all too much for me. Adding onto that, I would never ask you to leave tour, or to give up something you love. Right now the only thing I can see in my future is getting myself healthy, because right now I'm not. Last night, that wasn't me, I don't think I've ever in my life acted that way, this whole tour I haven't been me, I don't cry over real life, I cry over boybands and stupid movies. I need to fix myself, and get back the person I lost before I can even think about anything else, and I know how much that sucks but I hope you can understand it." I finish, finally letting my mind feel normal about the decision I've made.
"Of course I understand that. I respect it, but you didn't answer me. I guess this means we're breaking up, which does hurt to say, but if it's what you want..." His voice trails off, and I hate hearing him sound so hurt, so sad.
"It's not breaking up, I'd say to just leave it open, you can call me, my phone will always be on, that is, when I get a new phone, you can text, all of the boys can. I'll see you when you come back here, I'll come to your final show on the tour, so I guess this is a 'until then,' not a break up." I tell him, and he stays silent for a long time, and it worries me, making my mind go crazy with thoughts of what could be happening in his head.
"Knowing that I screwed this up so bad, knowing this was my fault, it hurts Lucky. I wish I could go back more than anything, I wish I could have seen through everything and just made it all worth it, but I didn't and I'm sorry, I'll never stop saying that to you until I'm sure you've accepted it. So while I wait for that to happen I will accept this 'until then' proposal. I love you, I don't know if I can still say that considering we aren't necessarily together, but I'm going to say it, because you deserve to hear it as much as you can." He tells me, and I smile down at my hands, still hurting, but glad to feel some of the warmth travel back into my chest, some of the air filling back in my lungs.
"We're still together, but if you feel the need to kiss someone else, kiss someone else. If you want to dance with someone else, dance with someone else. If you want to talk to someone else, talk to someone else. Get your shit together, that way when we meet again, everything can be laid out in the open, and we can go from there, this isn't a death sentence, it's a chance to have some time to think, and to breathe, because we both deserve it." I finally look at him, to see his hair blowing around him from the ocean breeze that's hitting both of us, his face soft, his jaw strong, he's beautiful.
"I won't be kissing, dancing, nor talking with anyone else Lucky, but I think your mind is beautiful, the way you're looking at things, and your heart too, knowing what I caused in your life and you're still willing to let this breathe, give it a chance to be brought back to life, it's more than I could ask for." I don't respond, giving us time to just be before getting back in my car and going to our homes.
Once we pull up I know it's time to say goodbye, but this time it shouldn't hurt as badly as it has before, knowing I'm his and he's mine, knowing there's going to be a flame there no matter where he is, but a flame that doesn't need to be tended to, a flame that won't go out. I meet him at the front of my car, looking up at him.
"So this is it?" I ask, rocking back at forth.
"This is it Lucky." He tells me, sadness in his repeated words.
"Until then I guess." I tell him and he surprises me by pulling me into him, hugging me to his tall frame. I hug him back, remembering the way his muscles feel when they pull me closer, and the way he smells, taking it all in.
"Until then. I love you Lucky." He tells me, finally pulling away, and as he does he presses his lips to my forehead, finally letting me go.
"I love you, have a safe flight." I walk past him, leaving him standing there.
He might be the Harry Styles, but he will forever be just another dumb boy too. He makes mistakes, he fucks things up, but he loves like no one else, puts passion in everything he does, and makes the saddest situations laughable with just his smile. He's normal, he's my piece of normal, as I am his, and I know this has been hell, but now that he's leaving, now that I'm here, I wouldn't have changed any of this.

THE END.

A/N: DONT FORGET TO READ THE EPILOGUE I PROMISE IT'S WORTH IT!!!!! Thank you so much!(: