Dear me

A letter to myself

Dear me,
It's May 28 5:59 PM...
As I'm writing this, so much is going through my mind. I sit on my floor and wonder what purpose do I serve in life. As I walked around school I ran into someone I thought to be so close and dear and she barely even looked at me. I feel like tensions from prom messed up our friendship and now I only see her negative side. I feel lost, the friendships I made seem to be falling apart. I'm scared knowing that I'll loose everyone I care about. I hate feeling this feeling. I lost someone I thought to be special, but the more I lost feelings the more I noticed his true nature and it made my stomach knot up. I was so caught up in the fact someone paid attention to me, someone was talking to me late at night, someone was my valentine and my prom date that I let my walls break down so easily. That I let myself be convinced that he was perfect. Until he dumped me, and then started dating a girl a month and a half later. Although it was two months between us I still was head over heels for him. That's my biggest regret, was falling in a one sided relationship. I let his words trick me and started to lose myself. I regret so much, I regret being the person I am. I've had to re cement my walls and cut myself off from people who I trusted. I'm scared to fall for someone, and now that I'm talking to someone else, I'm so scared it will end up like the last relationship that I'm holding back myself. I haven't even been my complete self. I'm scared because I feel like I'm totally different and a mess. I'm still depressed, I'm still with ADD, I have so much fear I can't even begin to describe it. All I feel like doing is crying, I'm three exams away from graduating. The most important thing in my life right now. With that so close I'm completely confused on where to go next. I'm losing my "friends" or people who have been there for my darkest moments. I don't know where else to go, I feel trapped. Isolated. I don't want to trust anyone anymore. Trusting people ends up with you getting hurt, I've learned that the hard way this year. I don't understand why I trust people so much. I care way to much for my own good. I can't help but feel like if I'm not there for someone I'm the worst person alive. When I was at my breaking point only a few people cared to see if I was okay, I had so much shit going on in my head I found it hard to want to see tomorrow. I never acted in such a way but I had my what of moments. What if I wasn't here? What if I just disappeared? Would anyone notice? I cried so hard, I saw so much sadness that happiness was a fleeting thought. Didn't help that tensions with my family were rising and grades became a nightmare. I didn't feel happy at home. I feel distant, it's my own fault that I am. I pushed away everything and only saw how much better they were than me. I got jealous of my sister, I envy her so much. She's got so much going for her, her looks, grades, boyfriend... I have nothing, so I've been a bitch. I feel bad now but I've just never apologized to her for it. I'm suffering in silence. I'm not eating a lot, that's the worst thing actually. It's worried me for a while, I think it's stress induced. I'm just hoping it will all go away, maybe then I'll finally be happy. I'll get back some pieces that I threw out to please others. I miss being happy, I miss my old self. Only time will tell, but for now I'm just hoping for the best.

Sincerely
Sav