Dear me

Letter 11

Dear Sav or whoever is reading this,

It's September 29th, 9:07pm, and 2019

I'm just going to write out my feelings and hope that it helps, while my friend on FaceTime watches me. To start off I'm not over my ex, not even close. I try and talk to him, see how life is, be a supportive person. Even though we broke up I still fucking love him and want the best for him. I'm finding out more that he doesn't want to talk. He makes excuses. I just start conversations. It's so one sided it makes me want to cry. How do I let someone go when all I can think about is hearing their voice or seeing their smile. How do you fall out of love? How can you still put yourself out there for someone who doesn't bother to check to see if you are okay? How can you still cry for someone for a month now. It's simple, I still love him like a did before we ended. I still think of him everyday. People try and tell you to get over them, you'll find someone better. In all honesty I'm scared and done. Three strikes and you're out, three tries and it's over. I can't last with anyone, I feel like a complete waste of time to someone. Why? You may ask, that's easy to answer. I'm not athletic, I'm messy, I'm clumsy, I'm innocent, I'm annoying, I'm so much of a mess that I can't see another thing going right. I'm done having my heart won over and then thrown back at me because someone gave up. I wish I wasn't this trusting or loved like I do. It's scary to think that I've fallen in love. It's scary to think I will have to experience this more and more. I don't want to. I really wish I could of warned myself of this pain, it's like having a knife keep being drugged into your heart, a burning aching feeling of sadness and fear clouds your mind. Knowing that you can't get rid of it starts to gain more darkness, even though you smile and try and be there for others You just wish someone would come to you. Ask if you're okay and not you asking. Have someone hug you and not let go, have someone wrap you up in a blanket and not leave your side. You wish and long for someone to notice that things aren't okay and that you are hurting, it's been almost a month and I still can't help but cry. I finally deleted photos and holy hell it hurt. I deleted memories that made me so happy. I'm entirely grateful for what I got but I know that someone will come try to love me, I know that it will happen but whoever does fall I hope they realize what they are getting themselves into...

That's all
~Sav