Dear me

Letter 10

Dear Savannah,
It's September 28th, 2019
As you are reading this you have experienced another heartbreak on September 1st, 2019. The guy you love and still kinda love gave up. He didn't have time and now he doesn't talk to you much anymore. You're trying your hardest to be happy, at times it works and you are and other times you want to punch a wall and chuck yourself through the window. How can someone say they love you and walk away... that's been a question I've had since that day. How can you watch them disappear and not be able to say a word. It hurts, It hurts so so much. Love is the cruelest thing ever. I gave it my all and it was thrown back at me, it's hard to do it long distance but hell I wish I knew it would hurt then I wouldn't have given it my all. I wish I knew now what I didn't know before. The worst part is that I still want him, I want my best friend back. I'm just now the stupid ex.  I've gotten to be stronger out of this and have formed new friendships with so many people. His old roommate is one of my best friends and I'm blessed to have him in my life. Though I just wish he'd still think of me as his friend and talk to me. Im done starting conversations, I hate how I still care. How do you go through this in the future? How do you love someone and then be this heartbroken? How do you let someone do this to you more than this? How did you find your perfect someone. We're a mess, literally and physically saying. Honestly I'm scared to fall for another human. It's an endless cycle of pain. I'm scared to give my heart to someone only to have it ripped open and crushed into dust. I don't ever want to feel this pain again. How do you fix this? How do you get to the point of happiness? I'm sick of it, I wish I wasn't this afraid. I'm learning to love myself again after years of hating myself. I'm hoping that helps...

That's all...
~Sav