Naked Came the Vampire (Hypernaturals 1)

Shopping Trip

Our first fight. Near fight. Disagreement. It happened over clothes. I needed them. We both knew that. That was not the problem.

I wanted to stop at the most convenient cheap place. Jessica is going to be paying for my clothes and I did not want her spending a pile of money on me. This would not be a cheap trip, even at a store that sold less expensive items. I am going to need not only enough for our appearance before the Vampire powers that be, but I (optimistically) also needed some everyday items. Shoes and socks and underwear even. That did not even count her occasional shredding of my garments when she is being very goal-oriented. She bought me clothes when we first arrived in New Mexico, so this is already the second time.

Jessica wanted to take me to the most expensive place she could find between New Mexico and Boulder and dress me like a king. The best suit money could buy! Tailored on the spot! She wants me to look 'my absolute best' for the Council. The everyday stuff is OK. I can deal with her spending a few bucks on Jeans and superhero shirts. She wanted me to have a suit that made ancient Vampires sit up and take notice. Laser-powered labels or something.

I ticked things off on my fingers as I ranted. "Jessica. I don't like suits. Understatement of the year: I hate them. I despise them. Suits are for monkeys. They make all men look exactly the same. Suit's are about stamping out your personality and replacing it with a soulless cookie cutter shape. Second: in Central Texas, wearing a suit on anything but the one or two days of actual cold is a recipe for heat stroke. Three: they are stupidly expensive. Four: Every time I ever bought a suit the people selling them acted like I was being less than classy if I did not buy the most expensive suit in the room. Five: You can't wash them. Clothes you are wearing in the heat that you cannot wash. How stupid is that? Have you ever met anyone that liked wearing a suit that was not also a complete brown-noser A total tool?? Really? Fuck suits. Who am I trying to impress here?"

Jessica listened to me rant, nodding at my points, and when I got to that part she said: "The women that have life or death control over you."

I was quiet for a moment on that one.

"Have you been before the Council?" I asked subdued.

"No. I have met various members over the course of time. No business that concerned them in a formal session."

"And these Council women: They are impressed by how a man dresses? Given how looked down upon a male Vampire is, something in the range of algae, dressing like a fucking fool in a suit will make the difference in how good a Vamp I may turn out to be, in their eyes?"

She frowned. "Are they that shallow, you are asking?"

"Not in so many words. OK. Yes. Exactly that. Look, if I thought it would save my life, I'd go in there naked, painted purple, and wearing that big fruit hat Carmen Miranda made famous. Surely what I wear is less important than who I am to these women. They have been alive for centuries. Wouldn't they see right through a blue pinstripe, red tie, and oxfords?"

"Fuck Adrian: I don't know. I don't want to take the chance." She sounded slightly exasperated. She switched to accusing. "You do not understand the gravity of this. This is all new, and maybe even a little bit of a joke to you. It is real. You. May. Die. I have no idea how they decide all this. They do not talk about the criteria, because they do not want people to be able to 'game the system'."

"I trust you. I do. If you say this is serious and I may die, I totally believe that to be true. If I make jokes about it or act anything other than completely serious it is because that is how I deal with stress. It's like that Classic Trek episode where they laugh at the alien that was ... making ... them.. No? Don't know that one?"