So.... Where to begin...
This will be semi long so skip this if you feel like it. It'll be sad, depressing, and talk of suicide sooo Yea..
I have this thing called trust issues. I have always had them ever since I was 5. Now something happened that I won't state but it ruined my relationship with males older than me..
I literally can't even hold a conversation with my step dad. Now my step dad and I have never had a good relationship but I put up with it. I have never met my biological father but I could give 2 shits less.
My trust issues make me question any friendship I have. I could know somebody super well and still have issues with " do they like me?" or if they talk behind my back or anything! Now I only have about 3 friends I'm extremely close with that I abosultley trust but I still double guess it. It's this tiny voice in the back of my head telling me all this shit and I hate it soo much!
Moving on...
So I have thought about cutting myself and have come extremely close to doing it to but one thing always stops me. And that is all the people I will disappoint if I die. Now I'm not saying I'm not loved, I am. My mom loves me and cares about me and she is the reason I haven't done anything. I would hate to disappoint her... If you get what I mean... I just have this jolly good friend named depression and he just loves to make an appeance..
Now I will be there for any friend of mine if they need to talk and I know I have 1 or 2 friends that would listen to me but I won't open up to them... Sure they say I can but can I really? How do I know the aren't fucking judging me and getting all the gossip to spread...
Now I have 4 different types of anxieties
- Painc disorder
- General anxiety
- ocd
-Social anxiety disorder
And they are all extremely bad.. I hate presenting, I hate talking to new people, I hate finding new friends. If someone wants to be my friend, they have to approach me. I won't approach them.. I know some of you get that..
Now this chapter isn't for pity, it isn't to get people to care about me. I just needed to get this shit off my chest..
Thanks if you made it this far and sorry if it's confusing..
I'm just not ok... But I'll get better...
