𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱 | 𝗍𝗒𝗋𝗎𝗌

06

c y r u s

i would never want to hurt tj. never. but i knew that i had to let go of our friendship. i was going to hurt him some way or another. i could never fully open up to him, let him in. he was so brutally honest that it hurt. i couldnt give him that back. i also knew that my time in shadyside wasn't going to be long. my dad still hadn't managed to find a job and rent was almost due. i cant believe this has become my life.

for a whole week, i tried to dodge tj as much as i could. in history, i had moved seats. during lunch, i ate in the bathroom. and in math, i made sure i was always too distracted to notice him. plus he had a girlfriend now and he needed to give her as much as his time. he was giving me way too much of his time. i didn't know how to act.

i knew tj noticed my distance and at first he tried to break it but halfway through the week he stopped. i would see him in the hallway with his girlfriend, kira, and i could see the fake happiness pouring out. he seemed so unhappy. i didn't understand why he would date her if he didn't like her. he's just leading her on.

over the weekend, i tried to avoid the house as much as much as possible which is a lot harder than it seems. i have no friends so i don't have anybody to hang out with and i don't really know my way around the town. but on saturday afternoon, i decided to stop by the park. i walked over to the swings and sat down. my brain was so scattered and messed up. i couldn't even control my own thoughts.

this whole week i've been at war with my head and my heart. my heart always wants me to do what i genuinely want, no matter the consequences. but my head wants me to do what's logical. in this sense, not being friends with tj is logical in the long run. less complicated but it seems like it's more complicated.

i was so consumed in my thoughts that i didn't even notice someone had sat down on the swing next to me. yet they weren't swinging either. i turned and saw who it was. of course it was tj.

"hey," he said and looked at me for a second too long. i knew he was trying to figure me out because to him and everyone, i seem like the most confusing human alive.

"hi." i whispered back because it felt like it would be a crime to talk in a normal voice. i was too shattered to talk.

"you're avoiding me." he stated. it wasn't a question because he knew the answer. i wish i could explain why i was avoiding him, why i was holding back but it felt impossible.

"i'm sorry." was all i could muster out. i looked him in the eyes which was a bad idea. his eyes are out of this world, like nothing i've ever seen. and seeing them right now when i felt like i was in such a fragile state of mind, was too overwhelming.

"was it anything i did?" he asked and i could hear the hurt in his voice. i really hope he wasn't blaming himself for this but with the way i've been acting, he probably was. i couldn't stand thinking about him thinking this was his fault.

"not at all. you did absolutely nothing."

"then why are you avoiding me?" he questioned and gave me a look that i couldn't quite make out.

"i feel like trying to explain would be too much for me. i'm not good with the whole feelings thing. i don't think you would understand." i needed to stop talking. this was me being too open and letting him into my heart. but right now, i really wanted him in my heart.

"cy, i would never hurt you or abandon you. feelings are scary and it took me awhile to finally realize that they aren't always a bad thing. and i can try my best to understand. i know that's what everyone says but i won't pretend to know how you feel if i don't know. i'll try to help." his voice was soft and gentle. i wanted to cry and scream at him for being so nice.

"imterrifiedaboutmakingfriendsandopeninguptopeoplebecauseiknowintheendallimgoingtobeishurt." i quickly blurted out and felt heat rush to my cheeks. but i could tell by his facial expression he understood what i was saying.

"why do you think you'll end up hurt?" he asked gently. i could tell he didn't want to push me too far.

"because that's just how my life goes. i'm not in a place long enough to make close friends and when i try to, i always end up getting betrayed. that's how everyone in my life treats me. like i'm a grenade ready to blow at any moment." i thought telling him this would lift a weight off my shoulders but some how my shoulders got heavier. he knew so much already and we've only known each other for like 3 weeks.

"cy, i promise you that i will never leave you. i don't see you as a grenade. i see you as you and that's why i love being with you. you're honest and real and you don't care about what others think about you. do know how hard it is to find someone like you? you make me so happy, cy. i know it's hard to open up and be real with people but i'm glad you're comfortable enough to share this stuff with me." he said and i felt myself let out a breath of relief. if anyone else had told me this, i wouldn't believe them and i would turn away from them. but tj's different. he actually cares and it's terrifying but refreshing at the same time.

we ended up swinging for over an hour, talking about life and everything in between. he told me about his dyscalculia and about his tutor, amber. he told me how he wasn't that close with his parents but that's just how it is. i could tell that his past life was hard to talk about but i didn't push him. i knew he had some type of problem in middle school but that's all i know.

he ended up walking me home again and i was actually very content with how my day had turned out to be. i wasn't going to let whatever happened in my house affect how i feel right now. i was hanging out with someone that understands me and gets me. someone who didn't judge and who could make me smile at any time of the day.

before i went inside, i made sure to get one last look into his beautiful eyes and then i waved goodbye. i walked into the house and was happy to see that dad wasn't home. i leaned against the door and close my eyes. i felt a smile creep onto my face. but my eyes quickly shot open when i was struck with realization.

i was falling for tj kippen.