𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱 | 𝗍𝗒𝗋𝗎𝗌

11

t j

cyrus wasn't asleep and neither was i. we were both laying on my bed staring up at the ceiling. i had those glow in the dark stars on my ceiling that i used to be mesmerized by when i was younger. now i was mesmerized by something much more and it was right beside me.

i turned my head and saw that cyrus's eyes were closed but i knew he wasn't sleeping. after he cried in my arms, i finally got him to eat some dinner and i told my mom goodnight so she wouldn't come in later. i sent cyrus to take a shower because i could tell he was uncomfortable and dirty and i said that a nice shower always helps me feel better. i had gave him an old pair of sweatpants and one of my hoodies. i really wanted to see what he looked like in one of my hoodies.

we have been laying here for more than an hour and at first it was nice. it was comfortable but now i'm eager to talk. i want to hear his voice.

staring at him right now made me realize how unhappy i've been recently. it was all because of my stupid fake-relationship with kira. my mind has been scrambling to come up with something i can do but i know it will end up bad either way. i just want to be myself and love who i want without her determining what i do.

"hey," cyrus whispered with his eyes still closed. he turned his head a little to the side so he could see me. when he opened his eyes, our eyes locked. i saw the pain in his eyes and knew how much uncomfortable pain he was in.

"i wish i could take this pain away from you." i whispered back because anything above a whisper felt unfitting. i brought my hand up to his face and gently grazed over a new forming bruise. he flinched a little but he didn't push me away.

"but you can't. i would never wish this pain on anyone." he closed his eyes again out of discomfort.

"it's that bad?" it was a stupid question to ask because it was pretty obvious how bad it was.

he just nodded and i pulled him into me. he rested his head on my chest and i'm pretty sure he could hear my heart beating extremely fast. he always made me feel some type of way.

"is this uncomfortable?" i asked softly because i didn't want to hurt him even more just because i wanted to hold him.

"it's perfect." was all he mumbled.

it was quiet for a few minutes, just us listening to each other's breathing. it was in that moment that i think we both realized there was something between us that was indescribable. something electrifying. whether it was love or just fate, it was something different.

"what's your favorite color?" cyrus asked out of the blue. at this point, his left arm was wrapped around my waist and his bandaged arm was laying upon my stomach drawing circles on my chest.

"green." i answered simply.

"i like green. it's a soothing color and it reminds me of the outdoors." cyrus explained. whenever he let his guard down like this was when i fell even harder. because he feels safe enough to tell me this stuff.

"i'm glad that you approve." i said and he lightly laughed, a laugh i hadn't heard in a while.

"you have so many basketball trophies." he pointed out and he was staring at my collection that was spread across my book shelf.

"yeah. most of them are from middle school so i'm not very proud of them." i said not trying to give too much away. he didn't know how i was in middle school. he didn't know how terribly i treated buffy but for some reason, i wanted him to know.

"why not?"

"because...i wasn't the greatest person during middle school and seeing them reminds of those times." i sighed and looked down at him. he was staring at me with his big, bambi-like eyes and i never wanted to kiss someone so badly. i wanted to feel his lips collide with mine. i wanted to know every part of his face, of his body, of him. i wanted to have him.

"name one person that's the same as they were in middle school." he stated and i thought about this. i was about to say buffy but then i realized that she had changed. she was still the same competitive, determined girl but she had soften up. and then i thought about jonah. i forgot about jonah. i forgot about how he used to be the guy i would fantasize about while i was trying to fall asleep. but he had changed and was now a lot more observant and caring.

"you see, you can't think of anyone." cyrus said, pulling me out of my deep thought. "everyone has things that they regret doing or saying but you can't change them and they don't define you. remind yourself that, tj. it's okay."

"i like this version of cyrus." i smiled and he just held on to me tighter.

"why are you dating kira?" he asked all of a sudden and i felt myself tense up. my breath caught in my throat. "it just seems like you really don't like her."

"um..." i was frantically trying to think of someway to explain the situation without outing myself. "it's complicated."

"do you like her though?" he pulled away from me and sat up despite it obviously hurting him.

"no," i sighed and looked down at my lap. "i have never have. since the day i met her, she's been obsessed with me and she can't take the hint that i'm not interested."

"so you agreed to date her so she would stop?" he seemed genuinely confused. i thought long and hard about how i wanted to reply. i could just say yes and go along with the lie or i could tell him the truth. for some reason, i was leaning more towards the second option.

"no," i mumbled out and i looked up and caught cyrus's eyes. i saw how understanding he was and i knew that i wanted him to know. i knew that i wouldn't be judged by him. "it's a lot more complicated than that."

"i may not be very good at expressing how i'm feeling and that shit but i'm good at listening. and i would never judge you, tj." i heard the honesty in his voice and that's what made me crack.

"i'm...gay." i winced the moment the words left my mouth. that was my first time saying them out loud and didn't know how to react. it felt weird but almost normal.

cyrus grabbed my hand and squeezed it. i finally looked him in the eyes and i knew that he understood exactly what had happened and exactly what was going to happen.

"you're not alone. i promise." he assuringly whispered and crawled over to sit next to me. he threaded his fingers through mine and butterflies erupted in my stomach.

we were staring each other dead in the eyes and we knew.
we knew this was going to change everything.
but not in a bad way.
we knew that this was everything we needed right now.
we knew the unsaid and that was
nerve wrecking.
beautiful.
assuring.
it was everything.