𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱 | 𝗍𝗒𝗋𝗎𝗌

07

t j

i couldn't sleep that night. not that i can ever sleep but tonight was worse. like my mind wouldn't let me shut my eyes. i had 10 unread messages from kira and i was on edge.

a whole week cyrus ignored me and the reason was because he thought i was going to hurt him. that if he got too close i'd leave him. that in it self set me off. i would never in a million years ever think about leaving him.

a whole week i had to deal with kira and her stupid, stupid self. her plan to ruin my life was working very well. i would go to the AV room everyday at lunch just to make sure cyrus wasn't waiting for me. kira has been forcing me to eat lunch with her and her friends. not only is she making me ditch andi, buffy, marty, and jonah, she was making me ditch cyrus.

i know that she doesn't want me speaking to him and i know that i shouldn't risk anything. my whole life is in her hands. i'm just a puppet on her string. but that fact that it wasn't me having to avoid cyrus was heartbreaking. he was already avoiding me.

we had worked it all out at the park but does a couple of swings really work out problems? i had to hold back from revealing everything. my past dark side, my sexuality, my fake relationship which would lead to my sexuality.

i may not show it a lot but the way i acted in middle school is my biggest regret. some say it wasn't that bad and that i shouldn't beat myself up about it but i still do. i was a complete ass to buffy even though i knew she was better than me. i would never admit that to her, even now, but i couldn't understand why i was so mad. maybe it was because i was used to being the best on the team and i wasn't all of a sudden. or maybe it was because i was failing math and i didn't understand simple multiplication. or maybe it was because i had a huge, unrequited crush on one of buffy's best friends.

i wish i could say i was less confused now than i was then but i actually think i'm more confused. i didn't know how i long i was going to have to put up with kira and her stupid relationship. oh god i really hope i don't have to kiss her. apparently i'm taking her out to lunch tomorrow. oh shit i forgot about that. the perfect early birthday present. a big, fat kiss on the lips from the person i hate most in the world.

i pick up my phone and saw that it read 3:12 on the screen. i eternally groaned. even though i was dreading tomorrow, i would rather have it come than be stuck with my thoughts. at least i had tutoring tomorrow afternoon. something to look forward to i guess.

i think the reason i was so confused was because i couldn't get my mind off of cyrus. like it seems unhealthy how much i've thought about him since the day we met. his messy hair that always looked perfect despite the fact that he doesn't brush it or use any product. his big brown eyes that had golden flecks that flew around in them whenever he talks about something he loves. which is a very rare occurrence but when it happens, my whole world lights up. i really wish i wasn't catching feelings for him. he said himself that he cares about nothing. so how the hell was he supposed to care about me then?

i didn't end up going to bed until 5 in the morning. and it was now noon and i was getting ready for my "date" with kira. i kept telling myself not dread it too much and to not let it ruin my mood. my birthday was tomorrow and i would be getting my license. i also get to meet up with amber today and that's always refreshing. i just need to make it through the next 2 hours.

i walked into the spoon with an already low mood. my plan about staying positive didn't last very long. kira wasn't there yet (thankfully) but buffy was sitting alone in a booth. it looked like she was waiting for someone.

"hey, buffy. what are ya doing here?" i asked while sitting across from her. she had a nervous look on her face.

"tj, hi. this is going to sound totally crazy but i'm actually here to meet up with cyrus." she had a very anxious tone in her voice and her eyes were filled with regret.

"um, why?" i was quite confused on why she wanted to eat lunch with cyrus.

"well, you seemed to be close with him so i thought he might actually be a good guy. so i texted him asking if he wanted to eat lunch together. it was very impulsive and i very much regret it but it's too late to back out. plus i don't back out." as soon as she finished talking, cyrus walked through the door. he looked just as anxious and worried as buffy but he still made my heart fluttered.

"oh, um, hey, um, tj." he muttered. yup, he was definitely nervous.

"hey, cy." when i said this, i saw buffy eye me. i got out of the booth and was in front of cyrus. damn, he was so beautiful. "i was just waiting for someone."

"oh who?" he asked and as if on cue, kira walked in. i thought i had just rolled my eyes in my head and it turns out i actually did it in real life. cyrus saw and he stifled a laugh and gave me a very confused look. i don't understand how people think we actually want to be together. i make it very obvious that i'm not interested.

"babe, hi!" kira came skipping up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. i felt buffy's and cyrus's eyes on me. buffy knew how uninterested i was in kira so this whole situation made no sense to her. i would probably need to example soon.

"um, i gotta go." i said to buffy and cyrus. they just nodded and buffy gave me the "we need to talk look". i just nodded and walked to a booth with kira.

after 2 long, excruciating hours with kira, i finally left. i had tutoring at 3:30 and i actually was excited to be doing math today. anything that could get me out of the mess i made with kira.

amber was waiting patiently for me when i arrived and she was reading a book. i sat down and she perked up immediately. either she was really happy to see me or something happened.

"what happened?" i asked because i knew for sure she wasn't this happy to see me.

"um, i don't know. it's just that i asked iris out and she actually said yes!" she practically squealed and i could feel the rays of sunshine beaming out from her. she was glowing.

"oh my god, amber!! that's amazing!" i got up and gave her a big hug. i've known that amber is gay since last year. she told me out of the blue one session and i was completely shocked. i think it was because she dated jonah and she was obsessed with him but i guess it was her way of covering it up. she's liked iris since last month and she has been wanting to ask her out for a while now. i kept telling her to do it but she wouldn't budge. she knew that iris was bisexual but she was still scared of rejection.

amber still didn't know i was gay. i think she can sense it but i haven't officially told her. i haven't told a single living soul. it was mortifying. but if i were to tell someone, amber would hands down be the first person.

we worked for longer than usual because we kept getting sidetracked and talked about random stuff. that's why i loved having her as my tutor. she was real and talked about real stuff. she was caring and kind and listened to my problems. i wished she was my sister sometimes.

i was walking out of the library when i got a text from kira. it said:

what are you doing hanging out with that slut????? you left our date early just to be with her!!!!! wow kippen wow.

i sighed and turned my phone off. she does know i'm gay, right?