Chapter 9
TREY
"Iiwan mo na din ako?" I asked, pain evident in my tone. I can taste the bitterness in my mouth.
Lisanna went to me then she made me face her. I was seated on the edge of my bed and she's standing in front of me. She gently caressed my face.
"We tried, Trey. We both know how hard we tried." She smiled, but tears brimmed her eyes. "I saw how you tried to love me, Trey. And I appreciate all your efforts. I appreciate every little things you did for me."
I wrapped my arms around her waist then buried my face on her stomach. "I love you, Anna." I murmured.
"You don't have to." She replied then she raked her fingers through my hair. My tears started pouring while I am desperately holding her. I don't want to let go. "You don't have to love me just because I love you. You don't have to love me just because you find it convenient. You don't have to force yourself to love me."
"I love you, Lisanna." I insisted. "Hindi mo ba nararamdaman?"
"If you love me, love me because you love me. Love me not because you found me as a replacement for her. Love me because it is me. Because that's what I deserve." She gently said but her voice shook. "Forget about her then love me. Don't love me just to forget about her."
I bit my lip. Damn.
"But you can't forget about her, right? It's still her. You love her. And deep within you, you know that you're still hoping for her. Because if not, you won't call her name in your sleep. You won't close your eyes whenever I am telling you that I love you."
"Lisanna, I am getting there. I love you. I know that I can do this. We can make things work." I pleaded.
Lisanna held my face with both her hands. "Trey, let's stop fooling ourselves." Tears rolled down her face. "I can never take her place. She's there." She pointed my heart. "And I'm just here." She now pointed my head. "Love is not something you could learn. It's a natural phenomenon. It's not something you could insist to yourself."
I shook my head. "I love you, Lisanna. Don't leave me. If you feel like I don't love you, then let me love you better. Stay and I'll make everything better. Just don't leave me." I begged.
Lisanna kissed me. "Trey, you're the one who always sacrifice. You're always burning yourself for others. This time, consider yourself please. It's you that you have to love better. Love yourself better please. Now you got time to do everything. Chase what your heart really need. Grab what can really make you happy. Live the life you want. You owe it to yourself."
"You just want to leave me."
She smiled then nodded. "I wanna leave so that you'll be free. I am not your responsibility, Trey."
I stared at Lisanna for some moment. I want to beg her not to leave me but she's right.
I love her. I love her like how I can love a friend. I've been trying my best. I want to love her the way she wants me to. I want to love her as a woman. But I ended up desiring her as a woman, and loving her just as a friend.
I did nothing but to do with her everything I want to do when I was with Marron. She's right, I treated her as a replacement for the only woman I ever loved. And I was an asshole for that.
I don't want to lose her because I don't want to be alone. I want her because she gives me comfort. I was so selfish to keep her because I don't want to feel that dread of being left out.
I tried to smile at her. "Are you going to pursue law school?"
She nodded. "I'll love myself this time. I hope you do the same."
