I Got You ~ C.B

THIRTY-NINE

We wrap for the night around one in the morning, and I drive home in a daze. So tired that not even the coffee I had not even an hour earlier is correctly functioning. It has only really alerted my mind, and done nothing for my body which acts in autopilot. I'm not complaining, because I love how lucky I am to be able to have this job, but my sleep schedule has never been so fucked up. My body clock is broke. I'm also overtired, so I'm distracted at anything and thinking it's hilarious. Like now, pulling up in my driveway and thinking I see Colby sat on my cobblestone front steps. I laugh at myself, shouldn't my mind at least be imagining my boyfriend there- not my ex? I get out of the car laughing still, not stopping even as I approach the front door and realise I wasn't seeing things. It really is Colby. He stands, and stumbles, when I near him. I laugh at his obvious drunkenness now
"Colby? Easy Brother."
I steady him, hands on his shoulders. He grins, I can smell the booze on his breath
"Hey Rey."
I ask him
"You okay? Need me to drive you home?"
He debates it, asking in response to my question
"Can we talk first?"
Oh dear- a 'can we talk' conversation and we're not even together. I'm curious, so I accept.
"Sure, let's get you some water while we're at it."

Inside, he follows me into the kitchen, where I place a Fiji water in his hands. He slides up on the counter, I guess where talking in here. I kick off my boots, and lean beside him on the counter
"How drunk are you, huh?"
He nods slowly
"I am very drunk."
I laugh gently, bring the conversation right to the point
"What did you want to talk about?"
"I hooked up with someone tonight."
Blow to the chest. Kinda. Like a paint ball to the chest really. Stings a little, but I know it will go away when I remind myself I have already moved on.
"Oh..." How am I meant to respond to that "good job brother?"
He laughs, shaking his head
"That's not why I mentioned it. I'm not here to try and make you jealous or whatever."
I nod
"I know you're not."
After a moment, I begin to prompt
"Was it bad or something? Did you not... perform?"
He scoffs, then laughs
"No- I didn't!"
I try to hold back my laugh and take a mature response to it
"Hmm... Okay."
He dives into an explanation
"I mean, since we've broken up- it's not like I haven't performed, you know? I just... I leave feeling emptier than usual."
I tell him
"Colby, I'm always happy to talk about your emotions but I may struggle to give you a pep talk about this. Like, what do I say? Go get 'em champ, fuck those girls, you got this."
He chuckles, hand covering his eyes. I giggle
"Told you, I think that's more Brennan's job."
He shakes his head, and says
"I've just been wanting to make sure we're cool you know? Because I still want you in my life in one way or another," huh, big of you to say after not talking to me for a month Colby "I mean just tonight, Kian came up to make sure things between him and I would be cool no matter what. And, like, we joked about being Eskimo bros and shit."
I roll my eyes, but accept
"That's good at least."
He nods, debating
"It was for a while. Then I realised that was me actually accepting that you had moved on. That you're legitimately with someone else. And then I got sad, and Brennan did give me a pep talk and directed me to this chick, and we got to talking and went to find a room and then I just couldn't get into it. All I could think about was you. I didn't want her, I wanted you. I've only ever wanted you. I wanted you to suggest we go home and get Taco Bell on the way like you always used to after a party. And we'd pass out as soon as we got home, and then wake up an hour later and sit on the kitchen floor eating ice cream out of the tub and, just, laughing. I wanted that. I didn't want to fuck another person who doesn't mean anything to me. I didn't necessarily want you to fuck either, I just wanted what we had. That closeness. That comfortableness. That love."
I bite down on my bottom lip to stop it for shaking, and I'm glad I didn't turn the lights on. I'm glad we're sitting here in the dark, only lit by the moonlight coming through the windows, since it hides the pathetic tear his words drew from me. He exhales, his hand raising to my cheek
"Are you in love with him?"
What hurts me is that I should be able to answer straight away. Yes. I am in love with Kian. I shouldn't have to wrack my brain for a way to explain it
"It's different than what we had, Colby. I- I don't know how to answer that."
He smiles over my face, and kisses my temple.
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I hope Kian is at least making you happy. If I can't anymore, I'm glad he is."
I hold my hand over his on my face
"You always make me happy, Colby. Nothing's changed that."
After a moment, I question
"Do you still think I cheated on you?"
He pauses, swallowing and shaking his head
"I don't think I ever actually believed it."
I scoff, moving his touch off me
"Then why did you ignore me for a month?"
The moment was nice, but I can't deny that I'm getting mad at the situation. He shrugs, grabbing for my hand as he attempts to explain himself
"I know you're not that girl, Rey. I know you loved me. I was an idiot for even thinking that maybe you were that girl. I was just angry. And then I realised what I did, I was embarrassed. I knew how I treated you was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to see you."
I step back from him, laughing at myself, at him
"You mean you couldn't admit you were wrong."
"I..."
He trails off. Knowing I'm right, even to an extent. I proceed
"Colby, you left me feeling horrible and questioning myself for a month. You didn't give me any closure."
He retorts, sliding off tree bench and standing a foot away from me, both of us heated
"You moved on."
"You didn't want to try."
We're in a standoff. Staring each other down. Done with this conversation now, and ready for bed. I snatch up my keys
"Get in the car, Colby. I'll drive you home."