I Got You ~ C.B

FIFTY-ONE

We fly back to LA together, fucking in the plane again. If this is all we are to each other now, we're taking advantage of it. We get into another routine for a couple weeks back in LA. Working, filming, seeing each other at least once every two days to get a bite and fuck. It isn't like how it was, and I leave feeling an odd sense of empty and satisfied at once. When we were really together, no matter how rough the sex was, it was always still making love. It was satisfying in a whole other way. Now, as hot as it is, I can't feel something that used to be there. The something that made it transcendent. Even when we just hang out with friends and end up bumbling into each other- we won't hang out the whole night but still leave together. This may have been a dumb decision, leaving us worse off than we were. I need to put a break in this again, and there's only one way I can do that.

Today, I wake up in Colby's bed. Crap- I stayed the night. One thing I haven't been doing is staying the night. It would be a root and scoot. And not only so, but I wake up in his arms. His body fitted to the curve of my body, an arm under my head and another over my waist. He's warm, he feels like home. And suddenly, I'm faced with a choice to be made. Go back to bed, wake up with him, make breakfast together and go back to square one. Or get out now, leave without waking him and protect my feelings from getting hurt again. I choose the second. Slipping out of his sheets and changing, taking the long walk of shame down the corridor to the elevators. Leaving like I have too many times now.

Pizza night this week, Sam has a friend over who I know about but haven't met yet. A vlog squad member- Jeff. I try to go about my night and enjoy myself, but I'm constantly being watched. It's Jeff, wow, I never thought I'd be attracted to a guy named Jeff. Even then, he's almost too attractive. Too perfect he is almost less attractive than he is in the vlogs. But still- he'll do tonight. I approach him, in the corner of Sam's kitchen where he sips something from a red cup
"Hey."
He grins, a charming half smiled grin
"Hey."
I ask him
"I was just curious what your plan was. I mean, I get step one. Stare at me for ages, and whatever. But was that as far as the plan goes or were you eventually going to make a move?"
He laughs
"You're as funny as everyone says you are."
I click
"See- that isn't answering my question."
He nods, shrugging
"That was about as far as the plan got. I was just hoping for the best."
I giggle
"Aren't you lucky I'm forward."
He laughs, leaning in closer to me
"With you talking to me- I'm the luckiest in the room."
We continue chatting a little, sneaking off upstairs into the loft of Sam's apartment. Chilling out on the lovesac. And my chilling out, I mean making out. When he kisses me, there's no doubt he's done this many a time before. He kisses like a player, like someone only trying to get in your pants. I hate it, but I proceed with it. I need to move on with someone who isn't Colby. Someone to take my mind off Colby. He grips my hip and moves over me, but it isn't the same as when Colby does it. When Colby touches me like this, there's something more sensual about it. With Jeff it feels just like it would touching my own hip. When he bites into my lip, it doesn't turn me on like it does when it's Colby's teeth. When he kisses my neck, although expert, he feels awkward. Colby's feels like a delicacy. Colby...
"Colby, dude- don't go up-"
Too late, we're joined upstairs, Colby looking down at me under Jeff. It's his eyes that are a blow to the stomach. Seeing a sadness turn them dark. My heart sinks, I've hurt him. He looks to Jeff, forcing a smile
"Sorry, Brother."
Jeff shakes his head, catching the tension
"Don't worry, man."
He heads downstairs, and I sigh. Trying to reinitiate the kissing, but Jeff stops me
"Alaska..."
I give in, he moves off me and states
"There's some unresolved business there huh?"
I shrug
"I don't even know what's there at this point."
He offers me a gracious smile
"Could I guess?"
""You can try."
"It's not even unresolved business. He's in love with you Alaska. Plain and simple."
I exhale heavily, stating
"I've fucked up huh?"
"I'd say so. You should go try to find him."
I smile at Jeff, nudging him with my shoulder
"Thank you. And I'm sorry for... this."
He shakes his head with a laugh
"Don't be. I'm certainly not."
He gives me a hand up from the lovesac, and I rush downstairs. Running into Jake, who was trying to get Colby from coming up and finding me
"Jake," I ask "you see where Colby went?"
He nods
"Yeah, his apartment."
"Thanks."
Before I can turn and leave, Jake catches my wrist
"Alaska."
"Mhmm?"
"He's hurt, dude. Whatever is going on between you two is stupid. Work it out."
Ah, Jake. Ever the one to give it to you how it is. I nod
"I know it is. I'm going to."
He nods
"Go get him, Rey."
I exit Pizza night, that is quite big tonight, and turn to the right to face Colby's apartment. I test the door, locked. So I resort to knocking, calling through it
"Colby... please talk to me."
A minute later, he opens the door. I look over his face, the hurt bringing tears to my eyes
"Colby-"
"Rey," he begins "let's just leave it for a while, Okay? Maybe this isn't what we need. Maybe it's just space. Some time alone."
I shake my head
"I don't want that Colby."
"So, What, you just wanted someone else's tongue down your throat? Is that it?"
I shake my head again, reaching out to touch his hand. He retracts it
"This whole time, since Australia, I've only been with you. If you told me we'd be hooking up with other people too I wouldn't have agreed to it. I only want you, Alaska. I've only ever wanted you. But you can't see that. And it hurts every time."
I retort
"The whole reason we broke up in the first place is because you shut off and wouldn't listen to me. It was like you wanted to believe I would cheat on you."
"Think of it this way- you're the only relationship of substance I've ever had. I've only ever had things not work out. Of course I was going to jump to conclusions. I felt like you didn't want me anymore. I didn't want to hear you say it."
I scoff
"So it was better just not to talk at all? If you let me speak to you about it we wouldn't be in this situation now."
My throat is tight, body steaming with anger. He is too, eyes narrowed and arms crossed defensively over his chest. I've never heard his voice so dark. So angry with me
"What situation? There's no situation, Rey. There's never had to be. So we'll leave it. It is what it is."
"What are you saying?"
He sighs
"I'm saying, let's just get some space. Distance ourselves and maybe later on we'll still be able to be friends. Because at this rate, that chance won't happen again."
My heart falters, sputtering out. Especially because, as much as I hate it, he has a point. I bite down on my bottom lip, taking how he looks in because I know I won't be seeing him for a while. I swallow against the lump in my throat
"I'm sorry, Colby."
He nods, inching the door closed
"I'm sorry too."