What I Really Need (Remake)

Chapter 20

Every fiber of Grizz's being told him what he was doing was completely wrong but he couldn't stop himself. As much as he felt horrible for what he was doing, he couldn't help but enjoy every second of it. He opened his eyes and saw what he was doing, he saw the look in Panda's eyes. They told him everything he already felt. The grizzly pulled himself away from his scared and confused little brother. Neither of them said anything to one another, instead Grizz scoot away and tore his gaze away from Panda's. How could he face him after doing something like that?

"G-Grizz...?", a faint voice that squeaked from Panda. He still couldn't comprehend what just happened. One moment he was trying to comfort his brother then the next thing he knew his lips were pressed against his own. Still he looked to Grizz, who would not return his gaze. 

"I-I'm sorry!", Grizz yelled, already panicking. What the hell was I thinking?! I just kissed my own brother! This is wrong, so wrong! Grizz clutched his head as it began to hurt from the thoughts screaming at him.  

"Grizz....", Panda said again. He was freaked out by the display Grizz was putting on, but he was also determined to get to the bottom of whatever was going on. It was clear to him that his brother needed his help. he got up from the bed and reached out his paw. Grizz meanwhile was still stuck in his own thoughts. He couldn't help but feel the growing guilt and disgust he felt about himself. What was wrong with him? It was bad enough he could not be happy for the new relationship Panda had managed to find. But on the opposite side of his thoughts the kiss just continued to loop and play in his head. He was sure he was on the verge of losing his mind, but there was something else. Something real. He felt it on he shoulder. He lifted his gaze to see Panda looking at him with concern in his eyes, a gentle paw on his shoulder. 

"Panda..."

"Grizz, plaease talk to me", Panda cut off. It clear enough to see that something was completely wrong with Grizz. Something that he was determined to help him with. "I just want to know why..."

"I...I...I lied, okay?!", Grizz admitted, tears misting his eyes. "I'm sorry, Panda."

"You lied? About what?", Panda asked, confused. It seemed the more he tried to talk to his brother, the more confusing everything was becoming. But he couldn't just leave Grizz in a state like this.

"Panda...The truth is... When I told you-- When I said I was happy for you...I wasn't telling the truth. The truth. The truth is you, Panda", Grizz admitted, taking a heavy breath.

"Me?", Panda repeated. Grizz nodded and knew that he had to continue now or he would just close himself off again.

"Yeah, well...The truth is that I'm actually not okay with it. I should be happy for you two, but I'm not. I should be happy myself, but I'm not. And that's because I think I love you, Panda. I don't know why but I just do. I've even been having dreams about you. I'm sorry, Panda. I know that you love Ice Bear and he loves you. But I can't force myself to be happy, and when I see you two laughing and being with each other I just find it harder and harder to keep pretending to be happy", Grizz sniffed.

"Oh, Grizz", Panda sighed, standing up and turning away from his brother. Grizz felt the tears trailing down his face.  He Bagan to think that he never should have told Panda how he really felt. Maybe he should have just told Panda to go away from the start. Would suffering quietly be better than jeopardizing the trust and relationship with his brothers. Panda might never want to see Grizz ever again. And what would Ice Bear do when he found out? Grizz felt himself sinking into a pit he made himself. This was it, he ruined it for himself. Now both of his brothers would likely leave him, but he honestly felt that he deserved it. What kind of brother was he?

"Grizz..", Panda turned around to face the crying grizzly bear. Panda embraced Grizz and hugged him close. "I'm sorry, Grizz. I don't feel the same way. But I do want to help you. I can help you through this. And don't worry, I won't tell Ice. Honestly there's no telling what he would do. I'm here for you, big bro."