I'm yours, forever.

Part Nine.

New York City 1983 December 5th

A year has passed since my grandmother has left us. She was just 80 years old. I felt she had a great deal of life still ahead of her. She was a bright woman. She always used to tell us about 'The good old days' and how she fell in love with my grandfather. She said they both had met at a family gathering. Grandmother said although running away with grandfather was the best thing that happened to her it was also the worst. She lost her family to start a new one. She also said she wouldn't have had it another way or else we all wouldn't be here with her, in her arms.

My name is Addy I was named after my grandmother Adeline. My grandfather George used to call her Addy all the time and my mother loved the name so she decided to name me Addy. I couldn't be more happy with the name, as now that my grandmother has passed I can continue her legacy by having her beautiful name.

My grandfather was a very funny person, he always speaks so highly of grandmother and how sophisticated and gorgeous she was in their younger days and that thought had never changed even in their last days together as husband and wife.

I asked them both a longtime ago before my grandmother passed if they both ever had a diary and being a young people in love and also my grandmother was a writer she told me she had many notebooks down in the basement she wanted to pass onto to me before she passed. My mother always says to me how can I possibly read those because if she read them she would feel even more upset than she feels now, but for me I feel closer to my grandmother because I know how she felt being so deeply in love with someone and especially when that someone is my grandfather. 

"Read this one dear, this is the one that is most important to me. This diary entry my love." as she pointed out what part to read in the diary entry.

✿

December 5th 1922,

A dream is a wish your heart makes when you are in love they say. When I fell in love with George Morrison I felt that quote was true, true in my heart I dare say. A feeling I never wanted to fade. My heart feels like it has wings and I feel like I could could completely fly away with them.

I feel nauseous, I'm vomiting and I feel dizzy. Do I have a cold? or am I pregnant? I'll just wait a few weeks I said to myself and next thing I knew my stomach was growing by the week. I am at 5 weeks I can no longer hide this. I must tell George. What happens if I lose him I thought to myself? What happens if he doesn't want the child?

The next 10th January was the day. The happiest day of my life. George was so extremely happy but I knew I had to leave. I had to pack up my life and run. George was ready to, he wanted to start a new life with me and his beautiful son or daughter to come. 

I have now run away from George. I am 5 weeks pregnant and I have 8 months to go. I have left a letter at the family. home. I miss them already but if I want to start a life with the child and George running away was the only option. My parents would've gotten me to get an abortion and forced me to break up with George and if that happened I'm not going to lie I would've either killed myself or killed someone. George and this future child is the only thing in my life I need to focus on.  I have left a piece of me behind at the family home, a letter that they can look back on and imagine what life would've been like if they had accepted my life choices but since they didn't they have lost their child.

As we hopped onto the train in my early morning I sat down with my head back in the seat trying to distract myself from the nausea i'm feeling. I feel the warmth of George's hand touch mine and I felt the kick. The first kick of our child. I started to tear up. I moved George's hand onto my stomach and as the child bumped my stomach George's faced looked at mine and he kissed me. This child will do great things I can feel it. I have this feeling it may be a girl. I have always loved the name "Avery Rose" and when I told George the name idea he fell in love with it.  

If you are a girl my darling I promise to take care of you, feed you and love you till my last dying breath no matter what becomes of us. You are the light of my life and everything I have ever dreamed of I can already feel how beautiful of a girl you are going to be. Although I don't know the gender I am just going to call you a girl for now as I know I am right. I love you my darling girl. I pray that you fall deep in love like I have and I hope you have many descendants and I hope that you never have a blue day in your life my sweetheart. This is my small promise to you. 

Today on this train heading away from the big city I know that this is a new beginning for you, your father and I and I cannot wait to experience life with you both.  I know that running away from your grandparents, the both of them wasn't the best option and you may never get to meet your grandfathers and grandmothers but they would have gotten you aborted or even given you away to a different family. My darling you are mine, mine to keep and mine forever. 

I love you forever mother x

✿

Reading things from the past can be hard. Knowing that the person went through such hard and brutal times but it's also a good learning curve. You learn why the person is the way they are. Reading the diary entry from grandmother taught me so much. I really want to read more. I want to know what happened after having the child or what happened during the rest of the pregnancy.

Of course i have never been pregnant myself but my grandmother and mother always said how hard it was. The morning sickness, headaches, fatigue, weird craving and the nausea. Nausea and vomiting are my biggest fears actually so knowing that growing a child is that hard makes me appreciate the people that bring us all into the world. All the struggles and not just physically but look at the diary entry of my grandmothers, she had to run away just to save her child. For me that is the definition of a good mother. Doing absolutely anything to see your child grow up to be the best person she/ he could be.

✿

December 1983, 

After reading the letters my grandmother had passed onto me i have learnt so much of her life and love story with grandfather and hope much they truly loved each other. 

I used to be scared of what the future was to hold for me and after reading the diary entries she had passed down i'm no longer worried. Times were so much tougher back then, then they are now and it . makes me think i may have a chance, a chance to survive all the upcoming struggles of life and what life has to offer. Not just the bad things but the good.

I miss my grandmother as any granddaughter would but i really do miss her. Without her in my life i feel like i have too walk this path alone, as much as i don't want to walk it alone i know its for the best. Either way if i wanted to or not i don't have a choice. Grandmother is gone and although i will never accept it, i understand it. Life goes on and i know moving on and carrying out my grandmothers wishes and dreams for me is what is truly best.

Losing someone is never easy and can be the hardest thing but learning to grow and accept it is the healthiest way to live your life.  That is what Addy is learning.

Authors Note:

I feel like i relate to Addy a lot. She is upset about her grandmothers death but she accepts it. When my grandfather died i was so devastated and upset and i felt like i couldn't move on, but when i got things passed down to me that were his i felt like i had a part of him with me. I couldn't and probably will never accept it but but moving on is what he would've wanted. I love him and miss him and putting this piece and story of Addy losing her grandmother is a piece of him i would like reminded in the story. 

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