I'm yours, forever.

Part Eleven.

The day has come. Going home to Addy. She doesn't know of the news of course. She doesn't even know that i'm coming home today. I'm hoping that when i arrive home that i will stop somewhere and get her flowers and kit kats. They were her favourite chocolates. 

Finally after 2 stop overs and 23 hours of flying i am home. It's 9 am over here so gives me time to get her flowers and chocolates before she wakes. She leaves the house at 9 to take the kids to school and is back latest 10 as she goes to the coffee shop to get her coffee. I swear that woman can not go without her coffee daily. When i first met her i thought she would die of caffeine over dose with the amount she would drink. The outing after taking the kids to school is now a ritual i guess so i don't mind. 

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"Come on kids It's nine fifteen we were supposed to leave fifteen minutes!"

"Coming mum!"

Gosh these kids drive me insane. They never listen to me and without any fatherly figure in their life they take advantage of the one parent that they have. Me. I am just so tired of living like this.  I never thought i would say this but i want to start work. It would get me out of the house and get us some extra cash. Honestly we need it with the electricity bills, water bills, phone bills, school fees and thats not even the half of the other things we need to pay for. If only Jilliana was a bit older it would be easier that way all three kids would be able to go to school while i go to work from say 10-3pm that way i can drop them off and pick them up. Yes, it would be hard and very tiring but gets me distracted from all the bills and screaming kids. My brain needs a break i need to hear other problems other than the problems going on at home.

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I can feel my anger always rising around the kids. A growing persistent uncomfortable feeling. It's never ending. The more you ignore it the more it grows and gets worse and the more angry . you get. My mother always said when you are feeling that way, you must sit and either talk to someone about it or write it down.  I had felt these feeling before George and i got married, and i'm feeling it again.

Sitting in the lounge room looking around my heart was pounding with sadness and annoyance. My stomach felt like it was being pulled down to the ground and my head was spinning as if i was on a ride.  I could barely focus on what was going on in front of me let alone the kids screaming at the top of their lungs screaming for god knows what reason. So many people go through the same thing i do and i know that but being around them drives me insane.

Jilliana came up to me and pressed her head against my hair with a sigh. I didn't think it was possible that just one touch from your child can make you feel better. Of course when they aren't throwing a car at your head. In that moment i felt as though i was protected with her love against the world. My insides turn like a melted chocolate fountain and i could feel the angry roll out of me as the children began to settle again.

"I'm home." George walks into the door with his soldier outfit on which made butterflies in my stomach, flowers in his hand and flowers with the biggest grin upon his face.

"Oh my goodness!"  I put down Jilliana as i run into his arms.

"Welcome home, i missed you."

"I missed you too."

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As the day passed i kept looking down on my finger where the sparkling rock lay upon and i think about all the fights, hard times and the memories we have shared in our marriage. If i were to leave him i thought... oh what a thought.  What a unthoughtful , thought of thoughts. 

"Stop Addy."

"Stop what?"

"Overthinking us."

"I'm not overthinking i'm just trying to figure out the next time you are going to be leaving us again." I sit back on the couch with a sigh.

The kids start screaming again. For goodness sakes.

"See what i have to put up with when you're gone."

"Put up with?"

"Yes put up with. These kids never stop. Without a father around to they just do as they please. I'm so tired George i don't know how much longer i can keep this up for."

I'm so tired of people thinking they know what position i am in. They don't know what i'm going through, all the impulsive horrible thoughts that roll around every minute, hour and day. They truly don't understand. I feel like i live in a house of sin. Everything i do either backfires or it's just wrong. I don't know how long i can keep this up for. I feel like i'm going to do something bad. As bad as it may sound i do think about it everyday if something were to happen what would i do? where would i hide?. But as people say i'm probably just crazy and i won't do anything because i worked too hard to have the family that i have got. In reality i only ever wanted one child I never wanted the other two. George forced me to have another two and of course because i love him so much i put myself in the position to go through morning sicknesses, cramping labour and my insides feeling like they have been ripped out. Yes child birth is that amazing that it feels like that (I am joking obviously). Im so angry i just want to burst but of course i'm writing it all in my notebook. One hidden under the stairs that no one can ever find.

My mother always said to find someone who is worth fighting for.  I feel like i found that with George. When i look at him adrenaline runs through my veins like a river. George never really was the type to truly sit down and tell me how he felt about me. I was fine with that . cause that is just his personality. My mother always said to me 

"Never stop fighting, always try and try till you have the one you love in your arms for the rest of your life."

Authors Note:

Wow, Addy is going through some you could say impulsive crazy thoughts but what may or may not happen will change a lot of things. This is where my book will start to get exciting and feel like something new is going to begin. Writing this book has been the most amazing thing i have ever done and i c an't wait for you guys to read more.

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