How you and Natasha Romanoff became a thing

What Natasha Thinks

(Natasha's pov)

After I left the Red Room I thought I could finally forget my past and move on with my life, then I saw ( y/n) and it felt like all my walls were closing in on me, the ones I built to try and forget her and move on. I knew I was sent on that mission to hunt her down and kill her, but I just couldn't. I did what clint did to me, I gave her a second chance and hoped it would be for the best. leaving her behind even though I promised I would come back safely, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was trained for years not to have emotions and kill without a second thought but leaving her broke me for longer then I expected or liked. 

Being me isn't easy but it's all I know how to be, a jumbled up brain with false memories that mean nothing to me but yet at the same time everything. seeing her again has brought back all these mixed emotions I haven't felt for years.  Ever since I saw her following me I have felt regret for leaving her and sadness because I can't act the same way I feel. I love her yet I don't even know what love is let alone how to show it. 

Last night when she found out she was going to live with me I knew she felt the same way towards me as I do for her. The look in her eyes was pure excitement and joy even though she didn't smile the brightness in her eyes said everything. if I wasn't a highly trained assassin I would've missed it, because just as quickly it was there it vanished back into the cold guarded eyes most of us have. having her as a friend and a partner is going to be the death of me, because I wish it was more like it used to be, but this time, not just a summer fling. 

I got up early this morning to clear my head and I trained the hardest I have in a long time. clearing my head by doing exercise is something I learnt from clint, and I'm going to be eternally grateful for the rest of my life, however long that life may be. Death doesn't scare me, but dying without someone to mourn me does. I struggled for a long time without ( y/n ) because she was the only person fro the red room I could trust let alone share my darkest demons with. it's funny how I don't have nightmares when I sleep near her and I could get used to that.

Author's Note 

sorry for being late with my updates school is coming to a close and I will be updating a lot more. 

NR2045