Finding Emily

prologue

  The best moment I spent with my sister Emily that last year was just the week before she died – it was early fall, but it was still plenty warm enough to go camping. We went with a bunch of my friends, and she didn't bring anyone along herself because she said her friends hated the outdoors. She did too, but she went with me because we used to love camping out in the back yard as kids and because I asked her.We didn't get to spend much of the summer together because I spent two months as a camp counselor in Wisconsin, and she spent it locked in her bedroom or in her best friend's bedrooms. 

  So this was our time, it felt like. We packed up that shitty old van of Star's, and we headed to our favorite state park. We set up our tent, we cooked cans of beef stew on a little campfire grill that Kyle borrowed from his Dad,and then we slept in the tent that was plenty big enough for the seven of us. 

   We were burrowed under quilts, sleeping bags and two down comforters from our house that smelled like Mom's favorite brand of air freshener and was making me feel a bit homesick even though I was only a few miles away. I used to be terrible about staying at other people's houses as a kid. I'd always end up calling my Mom to come get me around two or three in the morning, but she never stopped me from trying. She said I'd get there someday, and I did, but going home is still the best part.

  We didn't care what we looked like in the morning - all of us dressed in sweats and pajamas - as the occasional raindrop fell, and we got lost as we hiked. We went across a creek; jumping from rock to rock and then suddenly Emily jumped into the water. She splashed me so I had to splash her back, and we all ended up soaking wet and sitting on the large rocks as it started to downpour. 

  It looked so beautiful out there; the drops of water falling into the creek below and over the mossy rocks. I'll never forget the big smile on her bare face. I hadn't seen her without makeup for so long – she rarely washed it off after her day at school, and she would wake up with mascara smears that made our brother call her a raccoon. 

   But now she just looked like the fifteen year old kid that she was, and I loved her so much that I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek even though I hadn't kissed her or told her I loved her since... well, I don't know when, and I feel terrible that I can't think of the last time I told her. She hugged me back even though I thought she'd probably tell me to stop being so soppy, but she didn't. She was crying when I pulled back, and she told me she loved me. 

  We the started laughing at ourselves for being so sappy, and then we hiked back to the campground. Our sneakers were filled with mud and leaves, and felt like they weighed twenty pounds each. Our poor tent was collapsed when we returned, and all our blankets soaking wet. We gathered up our things; throwing them haphazardly into the van, and we took off. We couldn't stop laughing even though it was kind of a miserable situation, but it didn't feel like it. It felt so perfect for some reason.

   No one wanted to go home so we went to McDonald's and ordered a ton of food because Kyle worked there at the time, and he was best friends with every single employee. They always gave him free stuff. We were dripping on the floor and people from school kept coming over and joining us. I made my stomachache from downing three hamburgers, two chocolate shake and sharing a large fry with Emily. I was happy to see her eating. Emily rarely ate anything except skittles and Mountain Dew.

  After we ate at McDonald's Emily and I decided to walk home even though it was still raining. Our hair looked like shit and was hanging in our faces, and we stunk like muddy water and fast food. We didn't care. We held hands as we ran across the highway even though there wasn't anyone coming, but she'd done that since she was a kid. We'd cross the quietest street in the world, and she'd always take off like a bullet as if someone was out to get her. I can always see the panic in her eyes when she runs, and the look of pure relief and joy when she triumphantly stomps her feet down on the sidewalk. She made it. I laugh at her every time, and she just smiles back. She doesn't mind when I laugh at her. In fact I think most of her life was spent trying to make me laugh, and vice-versa. 

    We walked down our street singing stupid pop songs that we both claimed to hate and yet knew every single word to. She finished a verse, and then she looked at me. She asked me if I had fun, and I said of course. She nodded; looking surprisingly relieved and said she had too.

  I remember feeling sad as we walked into the house, and right away Mom started yelling at Emily for forgetting to clean her room before she left. I tried to calm things down as I always did by promising to help her, but Emily wasn't listening as she raged at our Mom, slammed her bedroom door behind her and screamed that she wished everyone would just leave her the fuck alone. 

  I felt deflated as my Mom told me to clean up our muddy foot prints we were leaving on the kitchen floor and stop dripping everywhere. Our beautiful weekend felt like a million miles away as I stood in our yellow and blue kitchen and listened to my little sister put on some very loud, very annoying 80's rock music that she didn't even like, but she knew it annoyed the fuck out of our parents.

  I cleaned up our mess – I knew better than to ask Emily to help as she would just ignore me, or even if she did agree to help she wouldn't be of any use. She never was.She would just stand there forlornly with a mop in her hands and complain about a headache or cramps or something else fictional. 

  My best friend Star called after I was done; she wanted to make sure we had gotten home safely. I told her we were both fine, and we talked for a while about our awesome trip, and how we wished we were still there. Star said we should do it again sometime, and I agreed, but I knew it would never live up to this one. We'd just be thinking of the last one and trying to recreate it, but it wouldn't be the same."

   I didn't know that everything would be different after that week – forever actually.