Reason To Love

Naked

OMNISCIENT POV

"Hi Nola."
"Hey."
"Okay. So lets talk about yesterday. Tell me what happened."
"I dont know. It was like one moment me and Kaela were talking and then im crying and raging."
"Raging? Why were you angry?"
"I dont know. I just was. Like REEEAALLLYYY angry. My skin felt like it was boiling."
"What were you and Kaela talking about?"
"Babies. Our miscarriages. And she was telling me she knew I wasn't okay mentally."
"I think. What i think happened was, you have been bottling feelings that you've been having and it took somebody actually asking about you to cause you to explode. Its not healthy to keep everything in. Stuff like that happens. Stuff worse than that. Suicide. Hurting others you know."
"I know. Nobody cares though. She was the first person to actually ask me if I was okay and not just tell me everything is gonna be okay."
"Not even Kimmy? or Auntie?"
"No."
"You've yet to tell me why were you were so angry yesterday."
"I DONT KNOW. Im just mad. Im mad about everything."
"Like what?"
"Ive been through so fucking much. I lost my parents. I lost my baby. I was fucking beat like I was nothing just because of something he thought happened. I dont feel like myself anymore. I lost myself. Its like im running off this fake smile im putting on for everybody. Even Kimmy. That girl risked her life for me. Multiple times and I have nothing to show for it.
They dont get it. Im not Noliana anymore. or Nola. My soul is gon. Im just a living Zombie and yesterday was me officially losing my soul leaving me with nothing but anger."

"Okay. Okay. Lets go back. Lets get your soul back. Tell me about your mom. Bailey? Was that her name?"
"Yeah."
"Tell me about her. What was she like?"
"She was the most amazing woman in the world. She was so beautiful. And her energy... she could light up a room. She was all about her family. Making sure her baby girl was okay and her husband was satisfied."
"What happened. What happened to your mom Nola?"

She froze. She had never talked about it.

"uh. she uh. she had cancer.Lung. We were in Indiana at the time. Doctors said she had 6 months. It came out of nowhere. I was only 6 but I knew. I knew. I knew she wasn't gonna be here long. She wanted to die here. So, we moved back. I'll never forget the look on her face when she took her last breath.She was smiling", tears escaped Nolas face, "She smiled at me as her eyes closed and she left the world. I knew then. My moma was gone forever. My true best friend.My life changed that day.Losing your moma. Thats a different pain. I never got a chance to pay her back. For everything she had done for me. Every choice she made. She made for me. I never got the chance to say thank you. I never got the chance to pay her back man. She deserved the it."

Dr. Hamilton handed Nola a box of tissues.
"How do you feel now that you've talked about her?"
"I feel a lil better. She was so vibrant."
"Thats how mothers are. All we want is for our kids to be nurtured right and to be the best people they can be. Im pretty sure your mama is proud of you. Maybe not proud of the state your in but. She's proud that you've came this damn far. I can tell you that."
"I dont know."
"You have to stop the self doubt. You keep saying you dont know but you actually do. You're just scared to say the answer. There is NOTHING to be afraid of when it comes to talking to me. Im here for you. Im here to help you. Nobody else."

"I always remember how pale she was. Her glowing chocolate skin wasnt there anymore. Her hair was gone and I could damn near see her bones. Its crazy because never had my mom ever smoked ANYTHING. She had got second hand smoke. Her mom smoked cigarettes faithfully. They said it was a good chance Auntie would get it to. I dont know what I would do if i lose her. She took me in without any hesitation when my daddy died."
"Your dad. Lets talk about him."
"You want me to talk about his death too?"
"No. I want to talk about him. What was he like. I never asked about his death Nola. But you obviously feel some type of way about it."
"Can we finish another day? I think ive done enough crying today,"Nola said walking out of Dr. Hamilton's office.

She slowly walked to the bathroom with her head down.

She locked the door and sat down bursting into tears.

She slid down as her head hit the back of the wall.

"NOLA?! Are you okay?," Dr. Hamilton asked.
"Please. Please leave me alone."
"Okay. I'll be right here when you're ready."

Dr. Hamilton say outside the bathroom waiting for Nola to come out.

Her depression was deeper than it was on the surface. Her whole life was built on levels of depression disguised as smiles and laughs.

The Nola we love and know is gone.
And We have no clue if she will ever come back

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Okayyyy