herry putter and the slightly sexual existential crisis

wig sNaTcHeD

I thought peaked at the last story but NoPe here we go again boys

Also if the title of this is anything other than wig snatched its going down

Harry rubbed his bald head twice for good luck before opening a cupboard full of wigs. "What are we feeling today, a little party in the back?" he picked up a particularly dIsTinCt wig from the stands labeled 4th year. He tried the wig on. It was a great wig, seamlessly blending into his eyebrow color and his hairline (though he didn't actually have a hairline. He pulled the wig off.

"Too... HARRYDIDYOUPUTYOURNAMEINTHEGOBLETOFFIRE," he sighed. "Maybe the year before?" He pulled the wig before it on, liking the way it looked. He struck a pose in the mirror before smiling widely. He hadn't put his dentures in yet, so it was quite gummy.

Suddenly a deer burst into the room. Harry's eyes went wide. "D-d-dad?" The deer, which harry suddenly replied, was just a furry, rolled its eyes somehow. "No, you dumb beech. It's me, the spirit of ℘ཞơŋɠʂ everywhere. I'm here to threaten you." The deer sprouted a hand and pointed a knife at Harry's throat. "Wear the fourth year one. Or else."

"Man, I really shouldn't have juuled in school," Harry whimpered, somehow defeated by a deer with a knife, pulling the wig on, and immediately feeling the emotional trauma of that year wash over his head. "Then I wouldn't have had my hair shaved off by Professor McGonagall magically all those years ago."

A dog scoffed in the corner. Harry jumped, not having noticed that there were others in the room. The deer was accompanied by the dog, the spooky moon emoji, and Herry's old rival, Astrid. "Okay, but the third year hair is better," the dog droned from the corner.

"Think what you want, but I got the victory royale in our epic fortnite dance battle, judged by elon musk, so you can shut the fuck up," the deer glared at the dog, clearly partial to the business in the front party in the back style of Herry Putter.

Astrid pulled out a metal nail file and examined herself, somehow, in it. "Ugh. Hetersexuals," Astrid rolled her eyes and proceeded to file her teeth down.

"Okay, but you definitely gave Elon Musk some Wizard weed beforehand, so he made you win," the dog rolled it's eyes.

"Just because your dumb limbs couldn't dab doesn't mean that I cheated," the deer reasoned.

"Don't make me revoke your access, you plebs," Astrid sniffed hautighly, her diamond tiddies glinting in the moonlight (that given off by the fourth member who was still silent). "I miss Hermy Gringer."

"No one is taking anyone's access away," the moon spoke up at last, trying not to laugh. Herry putter had been omitted from the conversation entirely, watching on helpless as he applied his Old Spice (because of course he uses old spice, it's the only thing that makes him feel grown up). "And I think we can all agree that the bowl cut was the best."

"No."

"What the fuck?"

"Nobody thinks that."

"He was eleven."

"You might as well say that Thanos is the skinniest character in the MCU."

"But like seriously, that's beyond unbelievable."

"Okay!" the moon shouted. "You can all shut the fuck up now, and forget I said anything. Or else you're all getting banned." Herry raised his hand. "Yes, Herry?"
"It was my favorite hairstyle too. I peaked at eleven, what can I say?" Herry grinned, his dentures now in. The moon glared at the others, before checking the time.

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Putter," the moon coughed. "But it's 4:20 and we have an appointment to make, ladies."

"Latter, Putter," Astrid said, grinned with a mouthful of pointed teeth. "We gotta go play wizard 101 now."

"You better wear that wig," the deer threatened again. "See ya later, looser."

With that the door was shut and there was no trace of what would only be described later in theatres as "a fucking insane quartet". Herry blinked twice before shrugging nonchalantly and continuing on with his day, wasting most of his valuable time wondering what in merlin's name wizard 101 was.

This is nature's abomination you're welcome.

Also know im listening to like a virgin and all i can think of is that cursed dobby thing that ol paddy boyo wrote earlier

And that's why i skipped it and am now listening to a hard bop that doesn't make me want to go kermit not breath

But what gotta continue the cycle of eat sleep yeet repeat and also write garbage fires

That was emo i appologize i enjoy what i do

--moony, astrid, padfoot, prongs--