THE TIME HAS COME
IT'S THE ONE YEAR BANNIVERSARY
AND HERE WE ARE
FOUR CRAZY BEECHES
ONE GARBAGE FIRE
AND ONE YEAR'S WORTH OF MASTERPIECES
I GIVE YOU
THE 100 PAGE AND THE OFFICIAL BEGINNING OF THE HP REUNION
CHARACTERS
Assy
Hermy
Herry
Snope
Nicky
Voldy
Tanos
Tony Stank
Roonil
Wormtail
Gingy Weasley
Dumblewhore
Herry breathed in the moldy voldy air of Hergwerts Escuela as he tightened, in a kinky way, his Gryffindor Scarf around his neck.
"Home sexy home."
"Hold up thare Herry Putter." Astrid said to Herry's back, (where she got a great view of the mullet that he sported cause he went 4th year old school for the reunion.)
Herry turned, one hand ready at the wand, the one he kept in his pocket.
"Astrid! We meet again."
"You ain't goin' into that thare reunion partner, if I gots sometin to do wirth it." Astrid said, a diamond cowboy hat appearing ontop of her silky white locks.
Just before Herry could shoot the first spell, Hermy Gringer stepped up next to Assy.
"Assy bby, save the duelling for after the big partay with the free food."
"But we're vampires bby, we don't eat food, we drink blood."
"Actually," Hermy began, he face filtered to look like a swirl and sound like a cringy Tik Tok, "We drink blood AND eat the grapes off of the veggie plates."
Assy gave her wife a big ass-y sloppy kiss; Herry leaned in to watch it.
"How could I forget Hermy, sorry loml."
"Make it up to me later." Hermy said, dragging Astrid past Herry Putter and ignoring the fact that they were supposed to be like best friends or whateva.
"This is going to be one hell of a reunion." Herry said to the camera that has always been Nearly Headless Nick.
*Full House theme plays and every character is introduced with their weapon of choice*
Suddenly, three people burst into the room of the party. Herry recognized them from when they had burst into his house with astrid and told him to wear his fourth year wig. "Hey, Herry," the moon said wearily. "Have you seen astrid?"
"Um..." Herry paused, confused. "I think she's with Hermy right now."
"Oh thank god," the moon sighed. "They-" the moon pointed to the dog, who was currently on one knee somehow proposing to the deer- "will try and murder each other any time they see each other, and Papa said to wait for the anniversary, but I don't want Papa to miss it, so, yeah."
"Coooool," Herry noted. "Okay, I'm gonna go now..."
"Papa Elon," the moon said, praising 🅱️apa. Astrid poked her head in the door and the two others stopped what they were doing to chant the end of the prayer. "🅱️apa 🅱️less!"
Suddenly, with the force of a thousand Cyber Trucks ™, apa elon himself, levitating on a cloud made from the tears of incels, the thunder of those who had scorned him rumbling within the cloud, burst through one of the castle walls with a serene look on his face. Herry had just made his way over to Gingy and Roonil (in front of the chicken) as the entire room spotted 🅱️apa and fell to their knees and blessed 🅱️apa, all but Snoop, who was suddenly struck down in 🅱️apa's fury. "Let the anniversary begin," he proclaimed, smiling just as wide as he might have if he had seen a dead deer at the bottom of the pool.
With that, just like in the first Herry Putter stoney book, appeared an abundance of food, specifically veggie plates with grapes, (which Hermy moaned over from pure joy.), and of course piles and piles of Tesla Cyber Truck ™ handbooks and PewdiePie merch as far as the eye could see.
"Alright beeches, let's get funky!" It was the ghost of Dumbelwhore past on the DJ pumping up the jams in the great hall, and by jams I mean MoBamba over and over and over again, because this shit is no different than the 2019 winter ball.
-moony, astrid, padfoot, prongs-
YOU ARE READING
herry putter and the slightly sexual existential crisis
Fanfictionwhat's up gaymers, is ya boy, uhh, skinny penis. where vsco girls and stans go to die. not because we killed them or anything, but just because they cringed so hard that tanos came aan had to snap them out of existence. "This is even worse than the...
