Disconnected

Five

If you don't tear up while writing your shit, do you have even have feelings? I don't, but enjoy this chapter. 🤠

"I spent my whole life longing for him. I was certain that he was my knight in shinning armor, and if I found him he'd rescue me from my twenty year scenario." Cadence's thoughts had overcome with pure emotion and gratitude. There was nothing more overwhelming than meeting your birth father for the first time.

There were times she wanted to lash out at him; times she was so angry that she wanted him to pay for abandoning her. But more than anything, Cadence really just wanted — needed — him to love her. You can prepare for joy, but not for feelings of pain and loss.

After the plane landed, Cadence had contacted her father, who was already waiting in front of the airline's terminal for her arrival. Val had stood outside of his charcoal black Mercedes Benz, holding up a sign with Cadence's full government. A small smile appeared on the girl's face, making her run to her father's direction.

Of course tears and words were exchanged, leaving the girl ooze with completion.

Cadence's POV

I couldn't predict what would come next when we met. With exception of my sister, I was so focused on my father that I didn't for a moment think outside of him. I was enveloped by waves of being overwhelmed with joy and horrible loss in the gain of an entire family.

One would think it would simply be all joy, all the way through, all the time. I was only prepared to feel joy; I was completely broad-sided by the feelings of pain and profound loss. In having that knowledge, I would've absolutely taken the same journey. The only thing I would've done differently would be to pursue it years earlier. Heading home in a comfortable silence, I didn't realize how close he lived to the airport. Gently grabbing my luggage for me, he pulled out his house key. We entered the nicely decorated home, filled with photos of Jade, and himself with friends, I assume. Seeing my father for the first time, it had already pointed out lessons I never thought could ever happen.

You never stop thinking of what could have been.

The loss began sitting in my father's home looking at family photos taking up every inch of space on the walls. It was overwhelming. The fact that this was a home, a real home, where family was valued and I wasn't, was the very first hit as the dust settled.

You're forced to deal with feeling invisibility.

The photographic evidence was unavoidable and served to document my lack of existence. As I roamed throughout the six thousand square foot living room, I numbly gazed at the photos of him, family reunion photos, and Jade throughout the room.

I sat on the couch weeping, and berating myself for sobbing, as I should've been nothing but grateful and happy. I dried my tears and went upstairs trying to brush it off so as not to lose a moment of what was in front of me, taking a page from the "good little girl" that I was raised to be.

My father had informed me that a small family reunion would happen, to see me for the first time in twenty years. Assuming the last time they saw me, I was a fresh face on the Earth side. The anxiety jumped out for sure. What if I weren't good enough for them, just like how I wasn't enough for my own mother? There was a terrible disconnection between she and I, and maybe I'll never understand why. My birth giver who carried me for nine months, probably saw me for the first day of my life and cut ties with me. Her own daughter.

You can't immediately accept the reality of a whole new family.

Within a few hours of settling in Los Angeles, a loving parade of aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and close friends of my father were in front of me, for days and days. Stories unfolding of things I was a part of and things I wasn't. As I sat on the floor playing board games, I felt so much anger at my father for the first realization that I wasn't the only one who lost here. I was also filled with joy feeling myself become acquainted with a unique familiarity that blood connections provide. I saw across my father's face the realization of not only what he was robbed of, but the acknowledgement of what he almost robbed his future grandchildren of: overwhelming joy and sadness taking root simultaneously.

You belong, and feel like an outsider, all at once.

Becoming a family member is a culture all of its own and one only those raised in it can fully understand or revel in the rhythms of. I cannot adequately describe what it feels like to belong somewhere and feel like an outsider at the same time. My father wasn't the only one to welcome me in; my father's girlfriend, Lauren, of three years welcomed me, too. Although we met hours ago, we seemed to have a lovely and comfortable relationship.

You realize that there will be pain...

Every moment of these newfound relationships should only bring joy; sadly, they don't. Getting past the memories I wasn't a part of may never come to pass, as there will always be a new memory I'm faced with. It's a searing stab to my heart of a moment in time I'll always be wistful of. As a rejected child, conflict makes me feel like I don't really belong. These are the pains and realizations that come with reunification.

...But there will also be blessings.

Once family members started to leave my father's home, Dad of his own accord, sat for three hours and bared his soul. He validated facts I remembered but that no one on my biological mother's side would probably never support or explain. He took ownership without excuse. I guess you could say he manned up. More importantly, he opened the door for us to truly become father and daughter. He taught me the meaning and feeling of receiving unconditional love.

It's always worth the journey.

With love comes pain; with gain comes loss. I'll have to face what should've and might have been. You'll have to learn how to become a member of a new family and find where you fit. It's a process and an open heart willing to take in pain and love is a must.

More than anything, it's all worth it. As I learned about where I came from, you learn about yourself. You learn to love yourself more with each passing day, and forgiveness is essential. Holding a grudge for what cannot be undone serves no one.

Keep your heart wide open and you'll be received with open hearts — not by everyone, but to be received by one open heart is more than worth the journey.

My father telling me who my mother was something I couldn't grasp; an international superstar, who's paved the way for so many individuals? She was the same person who always expressed her love for her fans, yet when it came to me, I didn't matter. It wasn't fair to me, at all.

I lost my desire to see her, or to attempt to reach out to Janet. That wasn't my mother, and it was terrible why she did what she did.

Maybe coming here was a big mistake.