Disconnected

Ten

Looking at my Apple Watch, the time had read 3:28pm. Finally arriving to my destination, my heart was rapidly beating . Opening the driver's side door, Val came outside and greeted me. It has been years since I've seen him last in person, and he completely looked the same. Anxious was an understatement. I admired his home, seeing the planted calla lilies blooming. The grass was a bold dark green, freshly cut.

"How was the drive? Any traffic?" Val asked me, snapping me out of my thoughts. Stepping out my parked vehicle, I gave a small smile to him. The ride here was smooth sailing, and I was grateful. My energy levels have been declining day by day as this pregnancy was progressing.

"It was just fine. No traffic, thank God. How are you?" I proceeded to hug him, just as a kind gesture. Thankfully there was no awkwardness or tension, so I felt extremely normal.

"I'm well, thanks for asking. Well, let me grab your bags for you and we could head inside." Val proceeded to obtain my suitcase in the trunk. Closing the car door, I locked it and clasped my hands together. It's like he knew what was going through my mind. I just want to explain to our child that I did not mean to hurt her.

Walking to the front door of Val's residence, I was in complete awe of how nice the interior decor was. From the chandelier to the color scheme in the living room, I was beyond pleased. The house wasn't too fancy, but it felt like a loving home environment. I couldn't help but smile looking at photos of him and his family. Assuming that it was Val's daughter in some of these photos, she looked just like him. Hearing a voice, I snapped back into reality face to face with the one person who most likely resents me.

More than beautiful, tears formed in my eyes as I was standing in front of the person I gave birth to over a decade ago. There was so much I wanted to do, that I know she wouldn't allow. Cadence was wearing a grey Champion shirt, black biker shorts, with a pair of slides. Focusing on every detail of my baby girl, I really wanted to just hug her and apologize for causing her so much pain. I never knew what it was like being abandoned. Growing up in a loving home with a single mother, two older brothers and a baby sister, I somehow never felt alone. I always had someone rooting me which I was grateful for. My mother made sure that we were at our very best at all times.

"I'm going to leave you two alone." Val stated. Walking away along with my suitcase, I was at a loss for words. Cadence leaped into my arms and my motherly instincts kicked in instantly. Hugging her back, I did not want this to end. I dreamt of her every night for the first six months of her life. Letting go, she just stared at me.

Within a few seconds I felt her hand connect to my left cheek. Gasping and holding my face, tears once more came. My hormones were at an all time high. Her eyes widened, instantly feeling the guilt. My chest rose up and down. I wasn't sure whether I should reciprocate the same action, or allow it to happen.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that." Cadence stuttered. I stood there in confusion, once more. The regret must've hit her, as she stormed upstairs. Before I could open my mouth, Val saw me frozen in position. He had sensed something went down from he noticed my facial expression and body language.

"What did she do?" Sighing, I covered my face while crying. Everything hit all at once. Bottled emotions and not once did I apologize to her for my misdoings. It took me years to believe that I was a good mother. I love my children. For sure, being a mother was the greatest achievement. To be responsible for another life, having a reason to live, hearing 'Mommy' made everything worth while.

"Don't bother, I'll handle her." Val was headed to the staircase. "No, wait. I'll go instead." I exclaimed. He thought I was probably joking, when I was serious. I didn't want Cadence to get scolded because of the anger she had towards me. It was my responsibility to deal with her. I want her to trust me, although time will take its course. He directed me to the guest room Cadence was in.

Knocking on the oak bedroom door, I turned the doorknob and saw Cadence wiping her eyes. She probably assumed it was her father, but I felt like it was my duty to speak to her, as a person. I did not want to overstep my boundaries; I was just learning things about her and the things that could trigger her. Entering the room, a heavy sigh fell from my lips. Putting my hands into my sweatpants pocket, I stood there.

"You know Cadence, I am not here to make your life a living hell. I wish I could explain myself to you on what I did and why I did it." Cadence looked at me, scoffing at me in pure disgust. Maybe I deserved that. "I was seventeen going on eighteen when I had you. From the day your father and I found we were expecting, we were beyond ecstatic but then fear played a big role. I was just a baby and having one too, I was afraid of what your grandmo- my mother would do. Abortion was not an option for me. I wanted to you live the life you deserved, even if I wasn't in the picture. Your dad was so supportive and I love him for that. Every prenatal appointment, he was there right by my side. I hid from the public eye for almost a year." I placed my hands into my black sweatpants, not knowing if she would even care.

"The day you were born, I was so afraid of having you. My age played a factor and being in labor for twenty-two hours was not expected. But as soon I heard your high pitch cry, I did not want to let you go. When I held you for the first time, it's like you knew who I was. I wanted to protect you for life but because of my image and knowing what people would have said, I was indulged in what folks would've thought. Cadence, I am genuinely sorry for causing you the pain you didn't earn. Not an ounce of it."

Sighing while tucking a few hair strands behind her ear, she looked at me with red and puffy eyes. I couldn't stand to see her like this.

"I wish I can forgive you right now, I'm unable to. Every day I questioned myself as to why I wasn't wanted, or why you never reached out to me. Imagine, the person who gave me life didn't even care to sign my birth certificate. You didn't know what I went through, probably didn't even try to look for me." Cadence scoffed, while her eyes were welling up once more. Every word she was saying, my heart was sinking and guilt overtook my body.

"I'm sorry Janet for being disrespectful by hitting you. It was out of line, but my temper is not the greatest. I just want to build a bond with you, but it honestly sucks because I can't trust you. What's next? You leaving here and not keeping in contact with me, and let another twenty years pass by?"

That hurt me. Selfish was an understatement. I inflicted her pain and there's a huge hole in her heart, and I'm just trying to fill that void. I care about her honestly, but she can't say the same about me. I am leaving everything in God's hands because this is much more than I can bear.

Happy Birthday, Janet 🤎