Disconnected

Six

Janet did not know which was worse. Hormonal or tears of hunger? Not being able to sleep, the late night cravings definitely kicked in. Eating a cheesecake slice, she entered into the living room. Her iPhone had buzzed indicating that she had received incoming emails and text messages. Whenever Janet was spending time with family, she placed her cellular device on airplane mode.

Checking her emails first, she gets an estimate of three dozen messages within an hour for bookings. Scrolling through her inbox, she noticed a familiar name.

Cadence E. Elliott <ceelliott6@yahoo.com>

The email's subject was a hard pill to swallow:

Do you think of me?

Having the courage to open the message, Janet couldn't help but to get a little emotional. She felt deep down that this relationship was completely broken, and wouldn't be able to get fixed. The email was intense, and had Janet definitely thinking.

Do I exist in your life? Am I on your mind, as you are on mine? Or, have you long forgotten me? If it's the latter, I understand. I imagine it would be difficult to keep the memory of me as an infant alive, as you only knew me for a short while before you had to say goodbye.

I just wonder if you ever catch yourself wondering where I am and wondering if I'm happy. Do you tell people about me? Or, am I a secret? Perhaps I am a negative memory you have buried deep within you.

Do you have any pictures left of me? Do you still celebrate my birthday? Or, is it a somber day, where you feel a knot in your throat and a pang in your heart, as you think of the day I was born? Or perhaps, you feel nothing at all. No matter the answer, I just hope someday I'll know the truth, and that the memory of me doesn't cause you too much pain.

Do I have siblings?

It blows my mind that I could unknowingly have little sisters or brothers somewhere in this world, perhaps only a few years younger than I am. If you do have children, do they know about me? Or, is this just another aspect of your life that you have chosen not to share with them?

Am I like you, Janet? If I had to pick the most difficult part of being adopted, I suppose this would be it. I am constantly envious of those who can say "I have my mother's nose" or "I have my father's eyes," as these are things I have never known. I know you were a ballet dancer, as I participated in ballet lessons, too.

The worst part is the unknown. Wondering if you're even trying to find me or if you'd rather not know and have relinquished my memory completely. I know everything that had happened, and at first I wanted an explanation. For twenty years, there was a huge void in my heart, for I didn't know any biological family members. You could never replace my mother, for she raised me when you, Miss. Jackson, didn't. I've cried endless nights wondering where my mother would be, or if she were alive. I admired you, because of the quality of your works.

Now, I am more afraid because of what you've done. You cared about your image more than your own baby. I'm too hesitant on wanting to meet, because I am not sure if I'd cry, curse you out, hell...even fight you. I wish I weren't like this and I'm asking God to bring down mercy on my soul. A big star that everyone loves and vice versa couldn't do the same to one little individual.

This email was pointless; maybe you're not even going to reading this. I just pray to God that you look into the mirror, and ask for some form of a heart. I want to hate you and for some very odd reason, I just can't. You gave birth to me, and if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. But do take care of yourself, Janet.

Cadence E. Elliott

Tears of distress and sadness were produced, making Janet feel beyond guilty. Covering her face with her hands, she sobbed for the first time in a while. This broke Janet's heart for sure. Things would've been different if she wasn't so worried about other people's opinions. Indeed she didn't love herself, which made the forgiving process take longer.

She was glad that Cadence had reached out, but now she has to face her past, present, and future.