Feeling disappointed, unhappy, and being lost always happens to the general public. Not knowing where you came from is disheartening and sure is complicated. Uneasy feelings rise when twenty-year old Cadence Elliott is in the process of looking for...
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Anger. Anxiety. Sadness. Hurt. Those were all the emotions that ran throughout my petite body. I was not sure if I would regret this meeting with Janet, but I needed a form of closure. God knows that I wanted the traditional mother-daughter relationship; confiding in one another, sharing laughs, and most importantly, giving and receiving love to the woman who carried me for nine months.
If you had told me a year ago, I'd be meeting the person who gave me life, I would have laughed directly in your face. I admit, I am completely bitter. Endless crying sessions and feeling lonesome was not my form of therapy. To my surprise, this was the most I have ever been vulnerable. I protected my feelings from others so I wouldn't be classified as weak. I've gone through a lot in my two decades of living; good and bad. My life was like an ongoing reality show that would never end. No cameras, no production, but simply just me, myself, and I.
My father was gracious enough to let me stay at his home. I'm just tired of walking around feeling like nothing. Every moment of happiness I've ever had, was robbed from beneath my feet. There was no point in smiling anymore as I became disappointed. Life wasn't fair, so there was no reason to be happy. God saw fit to give me the wisdom to find my biological father and mother. I was patient, I read the Word, and through it all, I remained humble. God Himself put this heartache in my life, I know He can work through it, if I let Him.
I had such a difficult time trying to forgive this woman. Suddenly, scripture verses traveled to the forefront of my mind.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
The question I asked myself everyday was how could she be so self-centered? So...selfish? The thing about heartbreak that's so strange is that the world around you keeps spinning, although your world feels frozen. When you look around, you wonder how the sun keeps coming up in the morning, and how people keep going. The pain I feel inside feels so big, I wonder how it hasn't poured out into the world and on everyone else.
There will come a day it doesn't hurt as bad. Where I can see a little more clearly. Where smiling feels more natural. And where the heartache doesn't feel like a knife wound. I don't know why we have to suffer but I know it's a guarantee for this life. I also know that we have a God who suffers with us. We have a God who sits in our emotions with us, a God who weeps with us. We have a God who is so near to the broken-hearted. He is closer to us than we are to ourselves.
I want to have a chance at life, to meet someone and have my own children that I could love and be proud of. I realized then that this would only happen if I stopped treating myself the same way my mother did.
In the past, I tried to hurt and hide from myself, and all this did was make me lose myself further. By braving up and removing all the escape methods, I have found my raw being. Vulnerability is not a negative state. It is how we start our path. I have just started mine slightly later than most.
I promised myself that I would try to understand this woman's intentions. Hopefully she wouldn't sugarcoat anything. I just want her to be honest with me; nothing more, nothing less.
