Ever Since I Had You (Zarry)

I Don't Wanna Live Forever

Hi, so here is another update!
To my sensitive and young readers please skip this part (scroll down) and start from the end of flashback.
Self-harm in no way is advisable.
Enjoy. )
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"Been sitting eyes wide open behind these four walls, hoping you'd call
It's just a cruel existence like there's no point hoping at all
Baby, baby, I feel crazy, up all night, all night and every day
Give me something, oh, but you say nothing
What is happening to me?"

Why on earth did he do that?

This is the only thought, the only question that flashed across my mind all this while.  Was I not enough? Did I force myself upon him? Did he do it because he was carrying this guilt all through these years? Does he regret the night with me? Did I did something wrong?

I slipped out of the lobby of the hotel room. It already looked like it was near noon. Somebody came up to talk, the face perhaps not the face absolutely unknown but my state of mind refused to recognise who or identify the words he tried to speak.

I walked out. But from where I have no idea. Was it his hotel that I walked out of this time or was it his life.

To think he could've played me breaks me. I feel needles pricking all over my body. My head is throbbing trying to get something out of nothing.
I walked into my apartment. As I thought, things aren’t the same as the time when I left.

Technically, it was only a night that I was away but it feels like I was entering in a new domain, a whole new world, nothing blended well.

Disparate images and colours clashed against one another. Things I don’t want to see together yet place next to each other; every other thing seems to disagree with me. Makes me feel I don’t even belong here.

When did I ever?

"I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain
And I don't wanna fit wherever
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home"

The hallways at my apartment are too bright for my eyes. The brightness hurts my eyes and a sharp pain strikes my temple and I feel I was at the verge of collapsing but somehow, I don’t.   

Instead my legs carry me to my rooms. They now seemed too cold and dark for me to see anything clearly. Nothing is agreeing with what I want. The whole corridor is hollow due to the lack of inhabitance.

The grey tiles all around were gloomy and I never felt this cold, this lonely, this scared or this vulnerable before.

Why did I even put grey tiles in the first place?

Somehow, in all these complains, the fact that I found Harry’s apartment much more comfortable with the dimmed hue of sunset lights, the light honey-coloured tiles, the warmth in the rooms indicating how every corner had been used and a little trace of Harry could be found everywhere, all of it played at the back of my mind.

It only made me want to cry. Scream actually. That I won’t ever feel at home in my own freaking house.

The last time I left him behind, I cried. I cried in regret and I cried for him.

This time, it was he who left me; I walked away but I had to, and when I should be raged, all I can feel is grief. Every fibre in my body was on fire, every muscle twitching, uncomfortable.