Bang Chan One Shots

When He Needs You More Than You Need Him

{WORD COUNT: 1318} 

It had been on your mind for way longer than you wanted to actually admit, but looking at him now from across the hall, you were reminded that stringing him along because 'you felt bad' was not an excuse to continue to date him. 

The truth is, you did feel bad. Horrible even. Your relationships always ended like this, with you reconsidering if this is what you want and convincing yourself away from any feelings you did truly have. You tried to not be this way with Chris, in fact you were sure this time would end differently.

He was only a few feet away from you now, you held your breath as he closed the distance. ¨Hey.¨ His voice was soft, holding back, like he knew what was going to happen. ¨Hi.¨ You replied weakly. 

There was an awkward pause between the two of as you both thought of what to say next. 

"I am almost ashamed to say this." Chris muttered, he looked at the floor. "I need you, Y/N."

The words stung, almost as if he had said something hurtful. You remained silent, watching as he continued to stare at the floor. You couldn't tell if he was angry or sad, or a mixture of both, but a big part of you didn't want to find out.

"I am aware that this is a one sided need. I know that I need you more than you could possibly ever need me. I need you, and I know what you are about to say and do. I know asking you to stay is such a selfish request, considering I'm the one who need you, it's me, not the other way around..." He paused, you could tell he was trying not to cry. "I don't think you have ever needed me, not in the way that I do."

Despite wanting to look away, you couldn't. Your eyes were glued to his head that was lowered down, facing the floor. "Chris.." Your voice was just barely loud enough for him to hear.

"No, I get it." He let out a forced laugh, "I really do. I spent all my life trying to see it from your point of view. 15 years of knowing you, Y/N, and I realized you do not need anyone. You didn't need your parents, or your friends from school, or anyone -- and I wanted so badly to be that person you needed. I guess I just manufactured this illusion in my head that you could one day need me, even just a fraction, of what I need you. But you don't. And I wish so badly that you could, and that you would. I wish, I wish. But you don't, and you never had. And it's not your fault, it has never been your fault, and I'm real sorry."

You quickly wiped the tear from your eye and Despite wanting to reach for his hand, your arms remained glued to your sides. You were unsure if there were any comforting words you could say to him right now, maybe 'it's not your fault either' or 'I'm sorry' or 'i really did want this to be different' but nothing came out, you stared blankly at him as he stared at the floor, tears running down both sides of his cheeks. 

¨I really wanted it to be me¨ He spoke softly, voice drowned out by tears. ¨Me too.¨ You whispered back. ¨Then why can't it?¨ He looked at you, locking eyes for a lingering moment before you looked away, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as you stared at the floor. ¨Because..¨ You started, you did not really have a valid reason to support your reasoning, and he saw through it. 

¨Because what? Because your walls are built so high that you cannot let anyone in? Because you are scared? We are all scared, we all have walls built, but we take chances, y/n, we risk getting broken to be with people who maybe make us feel better, who maybe make this world a better place, who maybe make you think that you won't be broken.¨

You stayed quite, you could feel anger boil within you.

¨I want to be that person for you, I want you to feel the same way I feel about you -- you make today good and tomorrows even better because you're in them, you make me want to try new things that both excite and terrify me, you make me want to be the best version of myself ever, I want to love you more than I ever could possibly love anything and sometimes you make it so incredibly hard but God is it worth it, it is worth every second with you, you make me feel good and I just want to make you feel good too and it seems like despite it all I can't get through to you Y/N I can't get through to you and I thought I was but apparently I did not because we are here and you are breaking up with me and I am so in love with you and can't bear to lose my girl friend and BEST FRIEND all at once, I know it was a mistake, I knew what I was getting myself into when I asked you to be mine, I knew that you were my best friend and that I could risk losing you in more than one way but I can't help how I feel, and you can't help how you feel, and this is so dumb because none of this matters to you, you do not care because if you did you would have interrupted me by now and told me to shut up and you have not and ....¨ Chris took a breath ¨I know you won't stay because it is just what you do, you stay with someone and keep them at an arm's length, and when they get closer than that you cut them off, and I want t say I feel sorry for you but I don't I feel sorry for everyone else who will never get to experience how amazing you are -- even from just an arm's length.¨

You closed your eyes, it hurt, it all hurt because it was true. What hurt the most was knowing that if you kept Chris around, he would permanently remain at an arm's length, close enough to touch but not hold. The sad part? He seemed okay with the idea of being there, he was just happy to have you around. ¨You are a fucking idiot, you know that? From the start I have been unreachable Chris, and I will always be this way. If you, who was literally the only person who made me feel safe couldn't get to me, NO ONE CAN. Do you not understand? You are right, I do not need anyone but myself, I got myself in ways others have not and could not. And if you need me so badly you're just going to have to learn to live without me because you deserve someone who needs you just the same.¨ You finally opened your eyes, he looked at you quietly with eyes that seemed to understand more than just your words, and then he turned away walking away from you, just like that, like he didn't need you as much as he claimed. You felt your heart sink, not because he was walking away but because it took this long for him to do so. Deep down, a part of you needed him too, but for all the wrong reasons. Because he stayed, because he didn't seem to mind, because he made this whole thing feel normal when it was not. It is a curse to not feel the same emotional bonds as others share, but there you were, creating your first and last one.