ajr preferences ☻

he finds you self harming:

short a/n: I'm struggling a lot on this and it's an addiction :/. And I couldn't stop thinking about writing about this on the boys finding out. Hope you enjoy :)

Adam:

     You were in the living room of your apartment just sitting on the couch on the verge of tears. You've been feeling so lonely. Your friends and family have been extremely busy especially with your boyfriend Adam on tour all the time with his brothers. 'I can't take it anymore'. You shake really hard as you're walking from the sobbing and pain you were feeling. You go to your bedroom and sit on the side of your bed and reach to the shelf next to you grabbing your razor. You position the end of the razor at the skin of your left arm and start slicing.

A few minutes later you place your razor down and sigh in relief. Your whole left arm was covered in your blood and cuts covering the skin. You put your razor away and put your arm over the sink letting all the blood flow out until it stops.
"Y/n??"
"Shit!" You curse loudly hiding your arm. You quickly turned and hid your arm as you surprisingly see Adam standing there in concern and you could see the hurt in his eyes. "A-Adam?? What are you doing here?" You ask trying to change the subject in panic mode.
"No y/n. Why would you do this??" He says sadly walking to you holding out your stinging arm that was still slowly bleeding out.
"I... I just felt lonely." You choke out. After that sentence you started bawling your eyes out.
"Aw babe." He says quietly hugging you tightly. You cried with your face buried in his shoulder. His sweater already had a spot with your tears soaked into it.
"You know you can talk to me right?" He asks.
"I know. I know."
"No I also mean when I'm on tour. Why don't you just do that?" He asks curiously.
"I just don't want to stress you out when you're going to multiple states and everything."
"There's nothing to do babe. There's long boring drives on the way to each destination. The stage set up takes forever to be done and ready to go. But I meet fans for around 30 minutes and the show for almost 2 hours. I'm available most of the time. And I'm here now so I'm definitely here for you now. It's okay. I love you. I don't want you doing this okay?" Adam asks. You hesitate but nod slowly against his shoulder still until you pull away from him.
"You want to see Jack in the hospital?" Adam asks.
"Whats wring with him?" You ask concerned.
"He has strep throat and is in the hospital."
"That's terrible. What about the last few shows?" You ask concerned.
"They're cancelled and we postponed it to a few months later."
"That's good. Can we see him?" You ask.
"Alright let's do it." Adam says with a small smile grabbing your hand and leaving your apartment.

Jack:

"Just hang on a second babe. There's fans outside waiting to meet us." Jack says about to leave the inside of the tour bus. You were sitting on jack's comfy bed waving him goodbye.
"Okay. Be safe." You chuckle knowing you heard fans screaming chaotically from the outside. Jack left with Ryan and closed the door. Adam was already outside with a few security guards. You just played on your phone looking through Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, your email and games pretty much.

A few hours later the bus was completely quiet except from the boys snoring. It was 3 in the morning and the driver of the tour bus was driving on the way to the next destination of where they were performing their next show on tour. You were whimpering while tossing and turning with jack beside you peacefully asleep. You woke up and start panting. You had a nightmare about jack leaving you. After nightmares it feels so real and you feel like you won't get over it after a little bit but you were just so scared. You love jack so much. His voice. Not only his singing voice when he sings you to sleep but also when you hear his voice from him talking to someone or maybe himself your heart jumps and still get butterflies in your stomach. His hair, his eyes, his smile. Everything about him just made you so happy. Except for his hygiene. He needed to shower soon but you still loved how funny and joyous he was all the time. You get up and look through the kitchen drawers and see a tiny razor randomly at the end where the silverware was. You hold back your tears as you picked up the sharp shiny razor. You didn't want to wake up anyone and bother the driver that does all the driving for us. You start cutting your arms multiple times feeling the release of depression go away. You couldn't picture your life without jack. You were about to cut yourself one more time when you jump hearing jack's voice abruptly like no one else was in the bus.
"Y/n?!" You drop the razor and start shaking in fear with tears uncontrollably streaming down your cheeks.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Jack exclaims stepping towards you.
"Jack I... I just. Leave me alone." You whimper not knowing what else to say. You just wanted to curl up into a ball on the floor and cry.
"No! I'm not leaving you until you're okay." He says grabbing both your arms. His wide eyes were glued onto your arm but there was a hint of sadness in his eyes like he was about to cry.
"Why'd you do this? Tell me." He says softly.
"I'm afraid." You whisper not wanting to share everything.
"Of what babe??" He asks rubbing your wrist with his thumb.
"You leaving me." You blurt out crying more. You didn't know how anyone was waking up. It seriously felt like there was no one else in the bus except for you two. And the bus felt like it was driving itself in space or something.
"Why would I do that? You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." He says in a sincere tone. You had the confidence to finally look in his eyes and you wanted to cry again by seeing the beautiful look on his face.
"Really?" You ask softly.
"Absolutely. You're everything to me." He says placing your arms around his neck now.
"I love you." You sob.
"I love you so much." He says before he kisses your lips. He let you pull away whenever you wanted to which lasted for a few seconds that felt like forever.
"Let's clean this up." He says grabbing your arm and placing it over the running faucet from the kitchen sink. He gently washed the blood off of your arm and put some ointment on it after drying it with a clean dry dish cloth.
"Is there anything you need?" He asks being the considerate caring guy he is.
"The only thing I can think of is cuddling you to sleep." You say with a quiet chuckle.
"C'mon." He smiles grabbing your hand leading you to his bed. You both snuggled each other close with the warm blankets until you both fell asleep. But with no nightmares this time for you and him.

Ryan:

"You slut"

"You're ugly"

"Go kill yourself"

"You don't deserve ryan"

"Ryan doesn't love you"

"You're sick. I hope you die"

     These hate comments were getting too much. You were in a relationship with ryan for months and ryan finally spilled the truth that he was in a relationship with you. Some fans knew but you and ryan hid it... kind of... It was a lot easier for you especially ryan since he hates hiding his love for you. But since the hate started flowing, everything changed for you. You sigh shedding a few tears as you stand up from the couch. You walk over to your bedroom and pull out a razor you haven't used in a very long time. You used to cut way before you got together with Ryan. Ryan had mo idea about your self harm and you were hoping that he wouldn't ever in your whole relationship with him. You had no idea if you were going to stay with him forever or not. 'Just hide it' you thought. Sleeves can work, hide your arms as best as possible away from him, put makeup over it, etc... You shake your head and position the end of the razor to your arm and start cutting away.

Minutes later your whole arm was covered in cuts and blood. And your old self harm scars were barely there that nobody noticed. They definitely weren't noticeable now because your new cuts could definitely catch someone's eye. You knew the best was hiding it from other especially your current boyfriend Ryan. Suddenly, you felt your heart drop immediately when you hear the front door open.

"Hey babe!" You hear Ryan's happy voice from afar.
"Shit." You quietly curse under your breathe. You felt so pressured at the time that you had no idea what to do. You were speeding around your room looking for something to hide it.
"Honey? Where are you?" He asks slightly louder. Not only he raised his voice slightly but he was getting closer to your bedroom door that was shut closed. You accidentally fell catching Ryan's attention making him concerned.
"Y/N?" He rushes in your room and he couldn't believe his eyes on what he saw.
"Babe!" He picks you up and sets you down on the ground and looks at your arm.
"Baby, what happened?" He asks starting to freak out. You couldn't answer. You just started sobbing more. Ryan was dialing the paramedics and they came as fast as they could to your house. They picked you up and you both were on the way to the hospital.

An hour later ryan came into the room you were in and looked at you with sad eyes. But also you could see that he was curious.
"So babe? Did you tell the doctors what happened?" He asked. You nod your head biting your lip nervously.
"So what happened?"
"You don't know what this is?" You ask slightly shocked showing your left arm to him. He looks at you confused and shakes his head side to side which was no.
"Wow..." you say slowly.
"Do you know what self harm is?" You ask him. That's when he knew. He widened his eyes and looked at your arm again tears filling them.
"What? Why would you do that?!" He asks with his voice breaking. He was grabbing your other arm showing that he wanted answers.
"I-" you sighed and started crying as you were unlocking your phone and showing him everything he needed to see.
"Why would you read those? You know all of that isn't true." He says disappointingly.
"I... I don't know. I don't feel loved." You say shrugging your shoulders.
"I used to self harm a lot before we got together. And I didn't want to tell you." You say sadly.
"Why?" He asks curiously.
"Because... I thought that would push you away." You sniffle.
"What? No babe... I love you." He says gripping your wrists. You finally have the confidence to look at him and the look on his face was very sincere. You blinked away all of the tears that were covering your vision before you got a good glance at him.
"Here's what I want you to do..."

Hours later Ryan managed to get you out of the hospital.

"Mr. Metzger this is really serious. She has to stay here so she can recover." The nurse sighs.
"I'll take care of her I promise!" Ryan exclaims at the front desk managing to get everyone's attention when he didn't want to. He just wanted you to be okay and not be miserable in the hospital.
"Alright." She sighs making ryan the happiest he's ever been.

You were not on social media a lot and you remembered if you saw another hate comment, you would know that not only ryan but other people that care about you would be really upset if you harmed yourself in any way.