A Synonym for Chill [COMPLETE]

19. Regrets

I looked up at my Squip, then looked past him at Eli. "I'll be right back," I said. Eli nodded.

"I'll be here!" He said happily. I gave him a small smile, turning around and waking out of the hallway, locking myself in the closest classroom.

"I already know what it's like to...be the loser..." My voice was soft and slightly sadder than before. "I should find out what it's like to...not...be the loser...or the geek...or the...whatever." My voice broke on the last word, and I felt tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

"I think I felt inconsequential since middle school began. I knew I had no potential to be the leading man," I looked up at my surroundings. I was in my Chemistry classroom from junior year. God, I hated this room. I then looked at my Squip, who was leaning up against the doorway in a very Jason Dean styled pose.

"But based on how today's going, I'm finally gaining ground. I even got some blood flowing with no computer screen around. Which was cool." I addressed him as I spoke, watching him with a renewed sense of intrigue.

He looked at me much like a wolf looks at a coop of chickens, deciding which one to kill, but I saw a spark of curiosity in his ice-cold stare. "But what really felt good was doing something that I never thought that I could," I said softly. He raised an eyebrow.

"Care to elaborate on that?" He asked. I shook my head.

"It's not only school that's rough. Being lonely's stupid tough," I said, walking over to him. There was something determined about the way I suddenly held myself, making sure to look him in the eye. "Now, I think I've had enough of being the loser, the geek, or whatever. Eli thinks that weird is rad, but feeling weird just makes me sad. And I deserve to not feel bad from being the loser, the geek, or whatever. Sick of being the loser, the geek or whatever - yeah!" I said. He smiled at me - like, genuinely smiled- placing his hands on my waist and leading me in quite the impromptu dance.

We twirled around the classroom, making sure we didn't knock anything over, and I realized something: he felt much more physical than before. More human. As we stopped, I let out a light laugh and started speaking again, sitting on a desk near the front of the room. "Dad taught me: "Follow your instincts! Trust your inner voice! Listen to your heart!" and such. My whole life I've followed my instincts. Well, guess what?! My instincts suck so much!" I tossed my hands in the air in a hopeless gesture, knowing that I was speaking from the heart.

My Squip nodded slightly in understanding. "So now I'm taking direction from another voice," I gestured to him as I said this, and I wouldn't trade the surprised look on his face for anything in the world. It had this strangely endearing quality to it. "If my instincts have an objection, then that means I'm making the right choice! Behaving this way feels bizarre..." I admitted, feeling a blush flare-up on my cheeks. "But if things keep up the way they are, then soon enough I'll get real far from being the loser, the geek, or whatever! If Hope can look me in the eye like I'm some normal handsome guy, I owe it to myself to try not being the loser, the geek, or whatever. Sick of being the loser, geek, or whatever - yeah!" I sounded more defiant than before as I reached up and tousled his fluffy brown hair.

"So, what you're saying is...you want to throw your past behind you and start anew." He said softly. I shrugged.

"To an extent. I can't do this without you," I said. "Listen. Prompt me, command me, and I'll obey! I have the bandwidth to do as you say!" Deep down in my heart, I knew I would regret those words, and that fear was amplified by a hundred as my brain quickly flashed back to my dream about Dallas. I shook my head, clearing it, and noticed that my Squip still had a firm hold on my waist.

It wasn't enough to hurt, but it was enough to make me realize that he was still with me. "Especially now, since I clearly see, the problem has always been me!" I was hit by a wave of emotions and couldn't help but scream-cry the words out. His expression softened considerably as he pulled me close, letting me cry into his shoulder. "Take a breath...and get prepared..." I said softly, almost trying to pump myself up. "But still, I'm just a little scared. For who gets cut and who gets spared when I'm the cool dude, the hero, or whatever? If anyone likes me in the end, will I be able to pretend I didn't fail my one real friend...?" My voice broke again, and I buried my face into the fabric of my Squip's shirt.

God, I was a mess. He traced a circuit-esque pattern down my spine, and I felt a chill ripple through the air, wiping my eyes and looking at him after a moment's hesitation. "But that's the shit I normally would think. Get over it, get priorities in sync," I said the second part mostly to myself, feeling him let go of me. I hopped off of the desk, pacing around the room. "Just mute the voice inside your head, and connect to another source instead!" I looked at him as I said this.

"I've earned a right to selfishly be all for one and one for me. I've wasted all eternity, just being the loser, the geek, or whatever," I threw my arms out in a flourish, and there was no missing the grin on his face. It was predatory, conniving, and oh-so sinister. "I'm steady and the game's begun! I'm ready, set, I'm player one! The future's now, I'm freakin' done with being the weirdo, the wuss, the underdog. Being the misfit, the old school analog. Being the odd-ball, the weakling freak, the failure, the sucker, the "please don't speak!" I grabbed my head again, shutting every other voice out except for my own.

"Oh, I can hardly wait for the moment when I'm not the loser, the geek, or whatever. Oh, I'm not the loser, the geek, no never! No! I'm not the loser, the geek, or whatever. Ever again!" I shouted the words at the top of my lungs, throwing the classroom door open so hard it bounced back and almost slammed me in the face. I caught it, ran out of the room and down the three flights of stairs back to where I knew Eli was standing.

Sure enough, he was leaning against the wall, his eyes closed. As I got closer, he opened his eyes and beamed at me. 

"Falner! Are you coming?" He asked. I looked him in the eyes and felt my heart sink. He looked so...happy. Was I really going to do this? Was I really going to just abandon him like this? My Squip placed his hand on my shoulder for a moment before moving in between us again, holding out his hand.

"Sever your ties." He said, echoing his words from earlier.

I steeled my jaw and grabbed his hand.

I'm sorry, Eli.

"Optic nerve blocking on," I said coldly. Eli quickly disappeared from my vision, and my Squip gave me a grin.

"Now. Let's get to work." He said, putting an arm around me and leading me out of the building. It felt like there was a hole in my chest where my heart should've been. 

Did I make the right choice? 

Who knows. 

I certainly don't.