My Step-Brother's Baby

€23

I cleaned the blood off my hands and put antiseptic on my sore, stinging knuckles. Maybe I didn't have to punch the actual shit out of him with that much force, but I wanted to kill him. I haven't felt that kind of aggression in months. It's like I began taking the little things I bottled in me out on this boy. That's all he is, a fucking boy. A fuckboy, but still a boy. The only thing that made me stop was my baby girl. Though she was in the other room sleeping I didn't want to surround her and her home in the scent of death.

Fuck man!

I went to check on my baby girl to see how she was and she was sound asleep. I walked up to her and kissed her forehead. She stirred a little in her sleep, making me think she'd wake up, but she didn't, thankfully. I shut the door, not fully shutting it, before I moved the baby monitor from my bedroom to the ensuite. I needed to shower to relieve my thoughts and any tension I had.

Hillian! Fucking bitch! I don't want to be cursing after my baby mother, but what the actual fuck?! Can't she see that I'm breaking my back for her- THAT IVE BROKEN MY BACK FOR HER?!! I've turned my life around, I'm tired and I'm restless. I feel like hell, but I put my feelings aside, because I didn't have to go through one of the most painful experiences physically, which leaves behind a lot of emotional baggage. However, I still do shit! In fact I've done everything these past couple of months. I'm trying as a father, a partner and a businessman. Like the fuck, I'm not even fucking 20 yet! In America I wouldn't even be allowed to drink yet as a legal adult, yet I have the stress of a 30+ year old man.

Doesn't she see I love her? Or is this payback for when I did her dirty in her early stages of pregnancy? If so that's pretty spiteful, because I thought we passed and resolved those issues. But if that's the case then clearly shit ain't resolved.
Does she not love me? Clearly not, because as I try to entertain her and make her smile she's uninterested or frequently annoyed with me. However she brings a male she knows I already dislike into my home and laughs with him as if she's having the best time of her life. Worst of all, she didn't even tell me about it or answer my fricken calls!! What if it was an emergency?!

Here I thought she was maturing, but she's still playing childish games. Na bruv I'm not having it. My life has changed forever and so has hers, but I definitely cannot go back. I'm the provider of this family and I have to do my duty. I have to make money and create a legacy for my child as well as raise my child. If Hillian wants to have a childish mentally and play games I'm out. The thought pains me as much as it aggravates me, because when I say I'd kill for that girl I would. I'd actually sacrifice myself for her, or that's what I'd thought. Would she do the same for me?? But our relationship isn't just about us, it's about Amaria too. We've conceived a child together and she's equally apart of both us, so matters go beyond just me and Hillian. My daughter is my top priority and if Hillian wants to play around she can play around on her own. She can go back to having that teenage experience, but I'd make sure it's only me and Amaria. And if Hillian ever thought she could take Amaria away from me she'd be dead wrong. That's a battle she'd no doubt loose.

The steaming hot water was helping my current thought process a lot. I needed a break from Hillian so I didn't do anything I regret. I'm sure she sees where she's gone wrong now, but I need to think everything through even deeper. I don't want to give up on our relationship, therefore I needed some time and space before I truly do something I'd regret.

After scrubbing my skin with my favourite masculine shower gel I got out the shower. I checked the baby monitor and still my baby is sleeping, maybe she wasn't put to sleep that long ago then. I dressed in my storm grey Nike tracksuit with CK undergarments. I brought the baby monitor into the kitchen, whilst I decided to be a good sport and tidy up the mess and blood in my kitchen area. In the middle of doing so I hear our front door unlock. I knew it was Hillian and as much as I wanted to cuss her out and argue I knew that wasn't the way to go.

Once my abode was clean I prepared bottles and backed away the stuff I brought today. I threw the flowers in the bin, because they were slightly ruined and the person I was going to give them to didn't deserve them. I put the wraps in the fridge, having lost my appetite. I then sat at the counter and checked business stocks and emails. I always had shit to do, but what kind of shit I picked and chose. But to be fair I was restless so I focussed on the mini tasked at hand that needed to be done.

An hour later Hillian enters the kitchen, obviously ignoring me, before looking in the cupboards and fridge for food.

"I brought us wraps, they're in the fridge with the purple packaging." I stated straightforwardly.

"Thanks." She said bluntly.

I hate when food goes to waste, so I had to tell her. It looked like she had freshened up as well because she was now wearing a grey onesie and her hair was in her bonnet. Basically a silk looking shower cap. She was cute in her cosy attire and a part of me wanted to pull her close to me and kiss on her neck, but the rest of me was irked still- feeling betrayed and hurt. Also, despite me being on bad terms with Hillian I felt the urge to evaluate her work. I got bored of my work, but wanted to look over hers. I was going to speak to her, but I was feeling quite productive so I got out her works myself.
90 minutes later I had gave feedback and constructive criticism on all pieces of work. She was becoming profoundly good, which made it hard for me to give her a next step, but thank goodness for google. I left a note on her folder to inform her that her work had been marked.

I then heard my baby cry, which I was the forst to reach the room. I picked her up and rocked her in my arms, but she continued to cry. I tried the dummy in her mouth, but that didn't really work. My baby was hungry. Hillian came into the room, flustered. She walked up to us and stretched out her hands. I wanted to take control of this situation, but true say she's the one with the feed.

"Come to mamma." Cooed Hill. She took Amaria to the seated area in Amaria's exciting bedroom. She unzipped her onesie to feed our baby who latched on and stopped her crying immediately. It was honestly a beautiful sight. Not just being around two people you love dearly, but seeing the bond between a mother and child. It was graceful and gave off an empowering aura on Hillian's behalf. Seeing her in this kind of motherly prime was attractive. Like no one could tell her anything, because with her child she oozed complete confidence, though she hasn't been taught what to do.

It was hard staying mad at her. Like I feel almost filled with love again, which I can't. I need to let my outrage strive a little longer so I can meditate with a focussed head. But I can't, the longer I'm around her the easier unconditional love for her flows through my veins.

I just couldn't help myself. I sat by her on the soft double seated sofa. I put my arm around her shoulder and she rest her head on my chest/shoulder area. We both let out a long sigh.

"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."

- we both said at the same time, causing us to both titter.

"We need to seriously talk, Hillian." I stated seriously.

"Yeah... I know." She sighed.

"I love you." I kissed the top of her head.

"I love you too. I do." She said full of emotion. With her freeish arm she rubbed my thigh.

I swear she will be the death of me.