MY SAFE HAVEN | billie eilish.

stay with me

the bright morning sun enters my room through the blinds and though it's not enough for anybody to see clearly, it is still enough to startle me awake and let me catch a glimpse of my denim jacket on the floor. i'm suddenly hit by a great wave of sadness, thinking about the events from the night before, and by that i mean everything that had to do with billie and billie only.

as much as i'd love to jump straight out of bed right now and go say hi to her and ask her if she had a good night sleep, i'm not sure i'm strong enough to face her this early, which is why i decide to stay in bed for a little longer and go through my phone's notifications. there's two unread texts from poppy and one missed call from last night... last night. i sigh deeply and text her back right away to let her know both billie and i left the bonfire early and that we're okay.  but are we really okay after what happened? i'm not even upset by the whole taylor situation anymore. quite frankly, it almost feels as if it was all nothing but a product of my imagination. but nothing was. last night was just as real as the fire a certain blue eyed 19 year old girl ignited within me.

those thoughts return. a girl.... i've never done anything with a girl before. well, until a few hours ago, of course. and what does that even make me? gay? bi? pan? and what even are we? are we dating...? friends with benefits...? are we even a thing? what am i gonna tell my parents and.. poppy, when they come visit? fuck it! these are questions only billie can help me answer, so i jump out of bed and it isn't until i'm walking towards my door when it hits me that i haven't even washed my face nor brushed my teeth.

 once i'm looking decent enough to face billie, i head over to the guests room.

"billie..." i say quietly knocking at her door and wait a few seconds but don't get a response and even though she promised she wouldn't sneak out before dawn, here i am, already fearing the fact she might've done exactly that.

i don't even realize i have my hand on the knob, pushing the door open, but it is then when i peak in through the crack, that my breath catches in my throat at the sight of an empty room and a made up bed.

she's gone.

the repetitiveness of this thought automatically makes my world spin and i try to keep my balance by grabbing onto the door frame but i lose it, idk why it hurts but it does. i let out a breathless 'fuck' once i reach the floor and with my back pressed against the door, i bring my knees up to my chest and bury my face into my hands; crying my eyes out. jesus christ, have the past 24 hours even been real or did i make it all up in my head? this is too overwhelming.

i hear something land onto the floor and i'm forced to lift up my gaze just to find billie standing down the corridor by the stairs along with the cereal bowl she dropped. we both remain still, in complete silence for what it feels like an eternity and i'm starting to think my eyes are deceiving me. but they clearly aren't because i soon find myself wrapped in her warm embrace, she's holding me just as tightly as she did yesterday and knowing that she never really left allows me then to relax in her arms. she hasn't stopped asking me what's wrong but all i can do is hold onto her so tightly i'm afraid i might suffocate her eventually, but i don't care.

"what's wrong syd... talk to me.." billie pulls away to hold my face in both her hands. i don't know if she's noticed the way she's caressing my cheek with her thumb, but it's taking everything in me not to kiss her right now. kiss her good morning, kiss her for staying, kiss her for making me feel special and cared for even if it's only been a few hours.

"i just thought you had decided to.. you know.. leave" my voice cracks pathetically towards the end and she gives me a pained look.

"did you really think i'd leave you?" she asks still holding my face and her blue eyes widen slightly as they gaze into mine, waiting for a response. holy moses, her eyes are so beautiful and entrancing, they put my hazel ones to shame.