Hunting Sunsets

Forteen

The thump of skin on volleyballs filled the large gymnasium, the sound echoing off the red stadium seats and back to the wood floor. The low squeak of the players white sneakers and the gentle padding sound of two hundred pound men diving into the floor vibrated through the air. My eyes were glued to the super-six foot behemoths on the court, but my mind was anywhere else but in their game.

Beside me sat Siya on the right, doing her homework to get ahead like most days, but now  Jessica has joined us in the right. She could only join us two or three days a week due to her class schedule but I wouldn't complain when she did. As much as she was my brother's girlfriend, she was also one of my closest friends.

"May!" She shouted aggressively from my left, hitting the back of her hand on my shoulder. I snapped out of my trance, gluing my startled attention to her. I had gotten so lost in the droan of volleyball sounds that I had stoped paying attention, letting my eyes unfocus as I zoned out with my jaw in my palms. "Thought I lost you there for a second," she joked, waving her hand in front of my face mockingly.

"Sorry, I was just thinking," I answered vaguely.

"About what? Your own impending doom? You looked pretty distressed over there."

I pursed my lips and exhaled through my nose, leaning back in the cool plastic seat. "So I've been seeing this girl..."

"Jade?"

"Yep, that one. We're going on a second date soon and I've been sleeping with this guy, and I don't know if I should tell her or not." When was I morally obligated to tell the girl I was talking to about my past hookups? I wouldn't say I was actively searching for someone to have sex with me, but then again I didn't exactly need to. Smith was always right there. Why would I have sex with someone else if I was content with him? Sex was independent of emotions and if Smith could make me cum, then so be it I'll keep fucking him. But throwing in a girl that wanted a committed relationship was messing me up.

I hadn't been talking to anyone new romantically since freshman year; I had forgotten what it was like. I wouldn't stop having sex to go on a first date, but what about the second or third? Would she be hurt if she found out?

The only time I expected Smit to tell me when he had done something with another person was if he didn't use protection or found out they weren't actually clean. We both got checked regularly and there had never been a problem before, so I didn't expect there to be one anytime soon but that was besides the point. Smith and I weren't trying to start a romantic relationship. Jade and I were.

"I'd say third date," Jess replied with a shrug. "It's not your fault you have needs. She shouldn't care if it's too early to be emotionally invested." The bombshell brunette ran her fingers through her hair, turning her eyes back to my blonde older brother on the wood court. "Does your mystery guy know you might be off the market soon enough?"

"Yeah," I murmured back dully.

"And what does he think?"

"Honestly, I can't read him that well. I think he's happy for me but there's got to be a part of him that's jealous. Then again, maybe I only want him to be jealous for my own sake."

"There's nothing wrong with a little jealousy, Baby."

"No," Si countered, looking up from her textbook. "Jealousy sucks. How can anyone enjoy feeling that way?"

"It makes the sex good," Jess shrugged with a bubbly laugh. Ignoring the fact that was about my brother, she had a good point. Jealousy could be a beautiful thing. "Don't roll your eyes at me, Si," Jess scolded playfully, reaching across me to swat Siya's arm aggressively.

"I'm sorry I don't get off on aggression and violence," she turned her nose up pompously in an 'I told you so' tone.

"It's not violence it's intimate."

"Yeah I just orgasm every time someone punches me in the face."

"Honestly that time I broke my nose felt pretty good when the pain subsided," I laughed. "Maybe that was just all the drugs I was on."

"I'm more than willing to put my money on the latter," Siya rolled her deep eyes at me, her pearly white teeth cleaning through her open lips.

"If you ever want to experiment I'm more than willing to break your nose too," I suggested playfully. "I'll unleash my inner dominatrix."

I had played a submissive role for the entire length of my relationship with my most recent ex, and not in a sexual way. He was the epitome of a douche alpha male, treating his girlfriend like a Queen from the outside and a domineering asshole behind closed doors. The highs were soaring and the lows were suffocating; that's how they kept you reeled in. I refused to play a passive role ever again; it was too pathetic and dangerous. My personality was a dominant one and there was no way around that.

Sexually was a completely different story. That was role you chose to take on. I'm undeniably more attracted to playing a subservient role and I couldn't necessarily explain it. The simplest way to explain it is that more extreme actions let to more extreme highs. The title of 'submissive' was viewed different to the public than to me. A submissive is the ultimate adrenaline junkie; they're the bravest people in the room and they need the thrill and the danger to get off. They want to suffocate until the point of collapse, they want to be pushed right up to their limits. Submissives were like horror movie enthusiasts. They could go without, but with was an undeniably heightened and more exciting experience. It was like heroin and I was an addict.

I liked to tease my partners during sex but I never truly got the joy of being a so called dominant. I would much rather be the one getting the thrill than the one enforcing it. I had played the role before with multiple partners, but I never enjoyed it very much. Maybe part of me just thought it was easier to take what I was dealt than to come up with it on my own. Who knows. The point is, the submissive role was a much more intoxicating one for me.

"I'll have to pass on that one, May."

"One day you'll come around."

That would be the fucking day.