Hunting Sunsets

Eighteen

"Somethings wrong."

My legs were pulled up to my chest as I sat on the hood of my car, the wind softly blowing through my hair. The sun had set already leaving me in the moonlight with the soft waves still audible even from the empty parking lot. My arms were wrapped around my knees, a frown permanently fixed on my lips as I stared out at the barely visible horizon.

Beside me the Stanford volleyball captain was laid out, his palms holding his body up at his arms stretched back int he hood behind him. I wouldn't see his face from where I sat, but I knew he was looking at me based on the sheer pressure I felt in the back of my head.

I breathed out in resignation, my racing brain giving up on my current problems. This situation wouldn't help my argument with Jade, but I needed to talk about it and there was quite literally only one person I could even mention it to considering the nature of Smith and I's secret. 

"She knows about us," I murmured quietly. He probably barely head what I said, but Smit was smart enough to put the pieces together.

"I'm guessing that didn't go well."

"No shit, Sherlock. Some validation you are."

"Hey, I'm just making sure we're on the same page," he said in a mockingly defensive way. "How'd she find out?"

"She was asking about why I had all your clothing. She brought up the sex part and I couldn't lie to her. It would just cause more problems later. It's just frustrating that I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't."

"I don't know," Smith murmured. "I can kind of see where she is coming from. Jealous isn't a hard thing to come by, especially when the person you're invested in is around someone else's they're involved with."

"I don't know what she expects from me," I let out frustratedly, my volume increasing to a normal level for the first time since our conversation began. My wistful tone was gone and my frustration was becoming increasingly apparent. "I'm not going to give up my friends for her. I want this to work out so badly, and I don't get how she can't see that."

"People see what they want to see, Maeve. She's probably insecure and is dealing validation and security that you aren't giving her in our given situation."

"I just don't know what to do, Smith," my voice cracked, eyes welling with tears that I refused to let fall. "We've painted ourselves into a corner. You and I both. You and I are going to take this shit to the grave because there's no one else we can tell. I'm talking about my girlfriends fucking problems with you with you. We're utterly fucking screwed. We're going to be in each other's lives for a long time, Smit. Every single relationship we have, we have to come clean too. This is never going to end. It would be a miracle if Jake never found out."

"We knew that going into this, Maeve."

"Yeah well now it's actually hitting me. It's fine when no one we know gives a shit but now I have a possessive girlfriend and it's not going well," I retorted with a small level of venom in my tone, enough for Smith to notice.

"If you're waiting for me to say I regret what we did, I won't," he added calmly when I finished my tirade.

"That's not what I want you to say," I murmured without wasting a second. I didn't regret anything I did with Smith. I relished in our time together but looking back, it constantly felt like waiting for the blade to drop. Now, it felt like my head was already in the guillotine. "I don't even know what I want you to say. I just need to talk."

"I really like her, Smit. I wouldn't be dealing with this bullshit if I didn't think it was worth it. I don't even know why, I just feel it. She's just so bright and happy most of the time. I wish I was that care free. I don't know, she always shuts down when it comes to you. She had no reason to be jealous but I can't invalidate her feelings because quiet honestly, I get where she is coming from. It wasn't like we fucked once or ended in bad terms. You're still in my life very frequently."

"It's just going to be part of our reality, May. We made choices and now we live with them. And if someone can't respect that, they aren't meant for us. I'm glad Jade makes you happy but you can't put yourself through this. I know it's one argument and you guys will get through it, but don't put on rose colored glasses."

Smith's words echoed in my mind in a way I'd don't like. It was as if they were bouncing off the walls of my skull and hammering themselves into my brain. He sat up full, his feet on the bumper as he leaned forwards, sort of hunched over like I was, his elbows on his knees. I glanced up at his deep, almost pitch black in the night, eyes. I could feel his words in my body and it made my skin crawl. My watery eye returned again from their brief break as Smith watched me start to lose it impassively. He knew what he had said. He meant it that way and he was unapologetic.

"That's fucked up for you to say to me."

"It's reality, Maeve. I'm not saying you're stupid, I'm saying it's what happens to people. I'm protecting you so we don't have a repeat of the past."

"She isn't like that."

"I'm not saying she is. I'm just telling you that you deserve more than most people give you."

"Yeah, well I deserved everything he fucking gave me."

Smith breathed deeply through his nose, letting out a sigh of frustration as he thought of a reply to my honest inner thoughts. I don't know why he stuck around with my bullshit all these years. I would have given up on myself by now.

Smit didn't say anything in response at first. Instead he straightened up and out his arm around my shoulders, pulling my body into his warm chest. My head rested on his pectoral as Smith's heavy right arm wrapped around me over my own, his hand on my upper calf with my knees still pulled in close."That's not true. I just wish you would wholeheartedly believe it," he whispered softly, the vibrations of his lungs kissing my cheek.

"You and I both."

My girlfriend would kill me if she saw us now, but I had bigger problems than a small fight with her. We would get through it, and when we did life would be great again.