Given and Denied

Chapter 5.

I now shivered with cold and rubbed at my damp, bare arms to try and warm up just a bit. In a funny kind of way, I was also trying to self soothe myself somewhat. I mean, what on earth gave me the right to even think about going to an exclusive after premier party that was being laid on for the very rich and the very famous, looking like this!
At least my dress had dried off a bit now, but I was still actually barefoot and my hair hung untidily in a cluster of knots and straggles around my shoulders. Instinctively I put my hand up to feel its straw like texture and sighed to myself. My hair had felt and looked amazing as I stepped out of that exquisite car, and into the dazzling lights of the red carpet with the man I absolutely adored.
It had honestly felt like a lifetime ago, but in reality it had only been little more than an hour or so earlier!
And now I found myself here, heading off home again and on my own!
This was utter madness
Complete and utter madness!

I had everything. The dress, the shoes, the posh car, my friends there waiting for me and wishing me to have a really good night, but most importantly of all, I also had the man.
Not just any man, for this was the man whom I had wanted to be with more than any other. The man who I had longed for, ached for and needed like no other, who had only just a few moments ago, proclaimed how much I actually meant to him and had kissed me so passionately and with so much longing and desire, I felt sure that I would eventually pass out with pure, unbridled joy and complete happiness.
It was more than I could possibly have imagined and I felt sure that this evening, it was beyond any sort of doubt whatsoever, that we would indeed consummate our deep and strong love for one another.

So why on earth was I now here and all alone?

I turned off from Trafalgar Square and was now walking up the little road that was adjacent to it, towards my flat. It was dark by now and street lights shone their orange glow all around me. People were milling around for it wasn't particularly late and to some the night had only just begun!
I thought mine had too, especially with all that kissing!
Never mind the night just beginning though, I had thought my whole life had!
I reached up and put a tentative forefinger onto my lips and touched them, trying to relive the moment when Alan Rickman's very own lips had connected with mine.
Oh, It had been the most wonderful experience ever and had left me feeling absolutely elated. I wholeheartedly believed that he meant everything by his words and by his actions, only for me to  go through an absolute guilt trip about his deep affections for Silva.
This almost felt as if  history was trying to repeat itself again with what I had been through concerning my feelings for Ashcroft Jennings, only to find out that he was actually engaged!
At least this time I did know about the other woman, so I wasn't about to play second best to any man, regardless of who they were.
It hurt like hell though, but for my own sanity and self worth it was best to stop right now before I fell far too deeply.

A breath caught in my throat as I suddenly felt the urge to weep.
No, I must not this wasn't my fault. I had been strong enough to walk away and had to hold on to my convictions that this was in fact, the best course of action for me.
Even though, at this moment in time it felt like the very worst.

I continued on with my journey towards the flat, half expecting Alan to suddenly come running up behind me, tell me that he was not remotely interested or involved with Silva whatsoever and then take me into his arms once again to proclaim his undying love for me.
But that was never going to happen was it.
Doing something like that was just not his style.
Alan Rickman was a lot more refined than that. He would never do something so spontaneous as to run after me, it was just not him! So why was a thought like that even entering into my head?

He would have been respectful of my decision to just walk away from him. He wasn't a pleader, he wouldn't try to change any decision I made to benefit his own needs. He was not like that. All the decision making had to be from me.
Alan was not the sort of person to make you do something you were were not totally happy with. Of course he would guide you and encourage you but ultimately it would be up to the individual if they wanted to see things through or not.
He was not a persuading type of person and would never make you feel guilty if you went against him.
This was what made him so unique.
He would constantly put the needs of others before himself.