His Shadow

18

I headed back home, carefully going through the plan Allison had helped me create, making sure that I wouldn't forget any important details.

The beauty of this plan was that it would require Alexander to actually be upfront and direct with his feelings and emotions. Right now, I had the cards and things would go the way I willed them. I had the power to chase after Alexander or wait at home for him to grow a brain, or I could wait to have the baby, or I could run off and leave him. Whatever I decided, it was all on me. Alexander had no say. 

This plan we created allowed for the cards to be returned to Alexander: he would be the final decision-maker of the future of our family. And that was amazing, I was thrilled that Allison had helped me construct this. 

Just like we both assumed, Alexander didn't return home at all that night. 

It gave me the chance to sleep and dream about all the various possibilities that could arise when I would confront him. I dreaded the moment because I was scared about what would happen.... what would happen?

Ahhh... it was so dreadful not knowing what would be happening with the fate of my life. A part of me wanted to chicken-out and stay at home, have the baby, and then just wait for Alexander. But that was just ridiculous. 

I needed to go through with this. And if I did go, no, when I would go through with it, I had to go all the way. It was either all or nothing, and nothing wasn't a choice anymore, so all it was.

I woke up the next morning with an already accelerated heartbeat. My brain was already on the sympathetic control system of the body, and so my adrenal glands were already releasing plenty of adrenaline to support me throughout the day. I was barely able to drink some relaxing lavender tea without my breathing getting too uneven.

But finally... wait no!

I slapped myself on my forehead and rushed up to my room. I was on my way to the door already, but there was one very, very important detail that I had needed to take care of first. It was like a prop, and oh ho ho, I needed it done.

Shortly after, I had everything done. I glanced around the home one last time, checking to make sure I didn't forget anything else. Nothing popped into my mind so I closed my eyes.

"Dear God," I let out a deep sigh, "I want to make things right. I messed up and now I ask you to please watch over me as I go work things out. Give Alexander an understanding, forgiving heart... and me a courageous, and patient one. Please bless our family. In Jesus' name I pray..." I looked around my home once again and then closed my eyes, with a trembling heart, "...amen."

I shut the door behind me and walked off onto a glorious and definitely terrifying adventure. It was a Tuesday, and I knew that Alexander would be at work. We were at a very shaky moment in our lives, and he depended on that stability to keep him sane.

I made my way, a very familiar way, to the building that held so many memories associated with it. Indeed, that was the home, the hearth of our marriage... but I needed to put aside all of these memories and focus on the task at hand. I opened the large glass doors and walked in, taking the first elevator up to the office.

When I walked out, I was surprised to find that neither Laureli nor Amy sat at the desk. Instead, it was another young lady who wore almost the same type of clothes as the other two had. And of course, like a lady with no work experience, she called out to me while I was on my march to save my family.

"Ma'am, do you have an appointment? You can't go in without one."

I turned back and with a slightly sour expression looked at her nametag. "Miss Nelli, are you new here?"