"The most beautiful way to live life is by treating it as an adventure. Never focusing on those things or people whose goal is to bring you down, but rather find those that will treat you well and bring light into your life. If nobody is willing to shine their light for you, fuck them, give yourself your light. Be happy, no matter what."
For me, that is hands down the best piece of advice my father could have ever given. Through that, I learned that I don't need anybody except for myself. I remember that was on my first day of 6th grade, and I had come home crying since everybody in my class had been making fun of me for a long time and I just couldn't hold it in. I needed someone, anybody to help me and that was none other than my father. He sat down with me in the living room and told me that. I hope he's looking down at me, I hope he sees how much he's helped.
At first, I didn't take the advice. Letting other people keep hurting me, and bottling it up. I was losing count of how many times I was sent to the counsellor for trying to eat my food in the bathrooms. But I was scared and always denied being bullied, trying to save myself a little from the disgusting words that were usually thrown at me, along with the hits. Nobody knew, not even my parents, it was always trapped in my damaged heart. Kept acting cheerful, just so my family wouldn't worry about me.
It was incredible, how young I always focused on everyone else except for who mattered, me. Looking back, I wish I had learned that I was enough sooner. I wish I had learned that I was valuable and didn't need a fucker to tell me so, I wish I had learned to never touch the razor. That it wasn't a good idea, that I was too good for that like everyone is. But, I didn't learn it soon enough before pressing it to my soft skin. Before I tried to leave reality with substances I could never even think of using now. I thought life was cruel, I hated it, I thought it was fighting against me. Creating a battle it knew I could never win, the field so huge and everyone was on her side. But no, it was preparing me so that I could survive in the cold real world, in the real wars where now, everything was way worse. People fighting with dangerous weapons that could for sure either kill you or leave a permanent mark to remind you that you were too weak to defend yourself from them. That you were too weak to ever fight back. After all, I was just a middle schooler, if I thought that life was hard back then, I would have never made it through high school and college, places where people were starting to use the weapons they had earned through their lives.
Now being my age and happy, I realize that it was doing the best for me. It never turned it's back on me, it was facing me with a huge smile that I used to think was mocking me. Amazing, how much things have changed. How someone that know means nothing to me, changed me, how they tried to leave the mark and end me, but didn't achieve it since someone else took the blow for me. They dealt with the consequences of saving me from my worst enemies, but they never gave up. I remember everything.
Highschool, only a few had acquired the weapons they could use to hurt someone or leave something good. Of course, everything had to be a fight. Everything had toxicity. Oh, man. Hwan Hyunjin. He was what people used to call perfect*, but he was just using that thought people had of him for his advantage, using his weapon full of venom to hurt those weak ones around him, including myself. He used me, took all my firsts and then left me to fall alone. It was when I hit the floor that I understood he was using me.
"It was just a stupid dare, you think I would go for someone like YOU? I have standards, I could have anybody else. Imagine picking you, ugh, couldn't be me." He spat in my face and threatened to hurt me if I spoke about those times we were intimate, those times that mattered to me but meant nothing to him.
Of course, there was nothing else I could do. I just remained quiet, as I had always been. I remember my thoughts were always yelling at me, screaming as much as they could, tormenting me for believing him. For letting him use me. I could do nothing else than take the punishment I was giving myself. I gave him my four seasons, but did I love him?
That happened, and the rest of high school was hell for me. Me being the laughing stock for everyone, saying I had been naive to think Hyunjin would ever go for me. They repeated the same things he told me, that just added to my pain even more. God, how stupid was I? Everything ended pretty soon, as I graduated. My family knew nothing, I knew that if they did, they would confront the parents of those who hurt me. They would find out of the pain I was causing myself, how I often let the substances take over me. How I let the razor take my emotional pain away, even if it only lasted for a little bit.
The college started, and things got better then. I made some friends, finding out that some people prefer to leave a positive mark. Han Jisung and Lee Minho, the first LGBTQ+ couple I met. They even called themselves 'minsung', super proud they had created that nickname for themselves. I was later introduced to Lee Felix and Seo Changbin, another gay couple, whose name 'changlix' was created by minsung themselves. I was influenced a lot by them, they helped me come out to my family who was incredibly happy for me. Those weren't the only friends I met, 'yoonminseok' was a throuple formed by Yoongi, Jimin, and Hoseok. 'Namjin' who were Namjoon and Seokjin. Overall, I made a lot of friends that all helped me a lot. But the best thing they ever did for me was setting up a blind date with my now-husband, Jungkook.
"Oh come on, Taehyung, he won't hurt you. He's such an amazing single guy that is gay as fuck. AND would love to meet you. He says you sound amazing from what he's heard, but he won't force you to meet him." Jeongin told me, excitedly, totally expecting me to say yes, which I did. He seemed exciting.
"So, I'm down, when and where?" I said, smirking slightly. I wanted to let be at least a little happy.
One of the best dates anybody could ever have, in my opinion. Jungkook prepared the whole thing, except the food which Jin had prepared for us. He made a small picnic next to a beautiful river, twinkling lights illuminating with the help of the sunset. Beautiful and thoughtful, things I loved. I never liked the fancy restaurants, simple and thoughtful was better. He was so worried at first, even offered to take me to an expensive restaurant instead. Going to the point of showing me the suit he had in his trunk.
Aside from how the date went, the first time I saw him was insane. Our eyes locked as soon as I got into the car, mesmerizing. I got goosebumps, and so did he. It might sound creepy, but it was something amazing to us. Nothing was awkward, mostly like we were meant to talk at some point. Dude, it was so fun. He was not even handsome, he was straight out gorgeous.
His black hair bringing back memories of the times my dad bought coal for our fireplace. Eyes, deep and holding stories I wanted to hear desperately. They were almost like the ocean, deep and mysterious, but in the best way possible. I wanted to jump in them and get lost in them. His smile was beautiful, having two bunny teeth that made him look adorable. The way his nose scrunched up when he was smiling genuinely. Not to be cheesy or anything, but it was like I fell for him as soon as I saw him. Not what happened with Hyunjin since I later recognized that I never loved him, it was more like admiration or attraction. This dude took my heart, and I didn't want it back. My life was amazing, and he made it even better. I could rant about him all day, I don't care if you wanna stop me.
That date was not the last one for sure. There were several after that, and we became boyfriends and made our name before minsung themselves could. 'Taekook' in a cute way, Jungkook always introduces us like that and after people are shocked we say our names separately. Jungkook always snaking a possessive arm around my waist, letting people know we're together. Never treating each other as an object. Hyunjin was a simple meaningless fling that I now regret giving myself to. Jungkookie might not have been my firsts, but he sure as hell will be my lasts.
Maybe it was meant to be, meeting our friends, seeing them get married and watching as they cried during our wedding. Having to say goodbye to them, helping the other fall apart when their other half is gone. Growing old together, watching as things become sadder. But knowing that we will see each other again. I love you all, but especially you, baby.
Together until the end, baby.
*(A/N: I adore Hyunjin, just saying. I picked him because he's perfection fr.)
