Pain And Pen

KABANATA 5

You told me the words you thought I wanted to hear
You told me the promises you thought you won't break
But as I looked at my pen and the wet paper
I told you the words and promises I have always seek—
"Please give me more pain, my dear
Promise me that you'll make me bleed more
For between you and my pain, I'll choose the latter.
I am a Poet and you are just the girl who told me I'm your lover."
You looked hurt but I didn't mind
"Hurt me more please, and I'll let you leave later."
You replied with tears, "I thought you're kind."
"I'm Dark. I am no one's lover but I am someone's writer."

NEVER LOVE ME.

I bit my lips. Banayad kong hinaplos ang pahina ng aklat. Ilang ulit ko na itong binasa pero palagi pa rin akong natutulala sa bawat mga salita. Dark's poetry always have peculiar and dark themes. The reason why among the five Wordsmitheries, he's the most mysterious. His poems became puzzle for those who admire him.

I had read a lot of hypotheses and written observations of his poems. Some said, Dark was the type of man who's not capable of loving someone other than his poems. Mayroon ding haka-hakang maaaring may isang babaeng lubos na nanakit sa kanya. They romanticized this speculation and even concluded that this girl, whoever she was—was the reason why Dark became a poet.

But I don't believe all of these rumors, not because I'm bitter or what, but because I tried to read what laid behind every line.

Naibaba ko ang hawak kong aklat. Napabuntong hininga ako habang pinagmamasdan ang paligid. Sobrang tahimik ng silid-aklatan. Kaya gustong-gusto kong tumambay dito dahil ang sarap lang sa pakiramdam na napapalibutan ng mga aklat. I love its vintage smell. Iyon nga lang, sa sobrang tahimik maraming mga bagay ang pumapasok sa aking isipan. Muli ko tuloy naalala ang sinabi ng misteryosong lalaki sa akin.

'If you will love silence too—the way I did, please learn to wipe your own tears.'

Mapanaket siguro ang jowa niyang si Silence. Dinamay pa ako. Hindi naman ako ma-i-in love do'n. Ang puso ko ay para lamang kay Dark.

Kinuha ko mula sa bulsa ng aking palda ang cellphone kong ka-batch pa ng mga dinosaurs. Mamaya pa ang klase ko kaya dito na lang muna ako tatambay. Total busy naman si Kaeden sa panlalandi do'n sa kaklase kong magaling sa math. Sana lang talaga maging successful na siya para naman hindi na ako ang binubwesit kapag tinatamad siyang gumawa ng school works.

"Nawa'y magka-jowa ka ng kupal ka."

Automatiko akong napasimangot nang pagbukas ko sa Facebook ay tumambad agad sa akin ang iba't ibang mga tula. Halos ito na ang sumakop sa newsfeed ko. Mabuti pa sila nakapag-submit na. May pa-hashtag-hashtag pa silang nalalaman na 'APoemThatCanTurnDark'sHeart'.

Hindi naman sa pagiging kontrabida pero naiinis talaga ako sa ibang tao na nakikiuso lang. Walang mali sa pagpo-post sa mga gawa mong tula pero minsan kasi ang iba do'n wala naman talagang interes sa pagsusulat ng tula, at pilit lang nakikisabay. With this kind of set up, I felt like they're degrading the essence of poetry. Just like what I'm seeing right now. They're posting poems in social media as if they're just selling something. May nababasa pa akong mga comments na nag-aaway na kasi nagpapataasan ng pride kung sino ang mas magaling. May nangba-bash pa kasi wala raw rhyme ang tula ng isa. Seriously? Was that the attitude of a poet?

I knew everyone was eager to be a student of Wordsmith Academy because who wouldn't want it, right? But this eagerness caused toxicity, too. Dinamay pa nila ang inosenteng mga tula sa kanilang kasakiman.

We should learn to write without bragging. We should learn to write without expecting applause from other people. And most of all, we should learn to write and excel with it without dragging someone else down.