Pain And Pen

KABANATA 11

I've grown up being attached to the belief that all people carry different amounts and types of pain. Somehow, this thought made me feel secure. When I'm on the verge of hating the world for making my life look like a series of tragic novels, my last resort would be to remind myself that there were still people who carried more pain than me, and what I felt right now pale in comparison to what they have. To feel pain was inevitable, as natural as breathing and sleeping, yet, no matter how many times I've faced it, I'm still so vulnerable.

The awkwardness I felt to Dark became the last of my concern after my dramatic scene. I'm too emotionally drained to even care what was happening. Ang alam ko lang ay nasa loob na ako ng sasakyan habang tahimik na nagmamaneho si Dark. Hindi ko rin alam kung gaano na katagal ang aming biyahe. I didn't even have recollection of how I end up here in the first place.

This was not new to me. There were times when my pain made me lose grasp of reality. I spaced out most of the time, sulking in the deepest abyss of my thoughts, and when my mind resumed to normal, the first things I would look for were pen and paper. This was my habit before my father discovered my secret notebook. Poetry had made me sane for so long, that losing the freedom to have it still broke my heart.

I stayed with my melancholic thoughts for a while, and I let it sucked the positivity from myself. I will dwell with it for now, but I will not stay here.

I took a deep breath, trying to control my urge to write. This was the time when my hands started to ache so badly, while my mind was screaming metaphors and deep words, provoking me to let it out through poetry.

I closed my eyes in resignation. Get a grip of yourself, Hestia. You're better than this. You've been through much worse, and this was just a piece of cake.

"We're almost there," he said in a neutral voice.

Hindi pa rin ako sigurado kung ano ang ibig sabihin ni Dark sa mga sinabi niya kanina. Maybe it's just his poetic side, or one of his rare perspectives, but I'm still thankful that he didn't ask me further about my sudden breakdown.

"If we followed the schedule, you're supposed to meet the headmistress of Wordsmith Academy today, but due to some unexpected situation, it will be rescheduled tomorrow. For now, I need to bring you to my house, and let you rest for the meantime."

The thought of being in his house distracted me a bit. Kung wala lang sigurong nangyaring kadramahan kanina ay baka nagdidiwang na ang maharot na parte ng isipan ko. I smiled a bit. "Thank you..."

He didn't respond at first. Silence lingered between us before he suddenly spoke.

"If you will be given a chance to change one thing in the world, what will it be?"

That caught me off guard. I hastily opened my eyes and looked at him. Bahagya siyang lumingon sa akin. "Tell me your thoughts," he urged.

Again, there's a mysterious glint in his eyes I couldn't fathom. I took a deep breath and started contemplating his question. To be honest, I don't know. Sometimes, I kept on saying how the world was unfair, but I never ever thought of changing something. Maybe because all my life, I've regarded myself as a tiny dust in this universe, so small and barely noticeable, not someone who could possibly be a catalyst for change. Now his question unleashed my peculiar perspective.

"Maybe instead of gold, diamonds and any other treasure, human tears would become the most expensive and valuable."

"And why is that?"

He seemed surprised with my answer. Pati rin ako ay nagulat, ngunit pinilit ko ang aking sarili na bigyan pa ito ng mas malalim na kahulugan.

A lonely smile etched on my face.
"So that the loneliest person on Earth became the richest..."

"You forget that not all who shed tears are lonely, and not all lonely people cry."

I pouted. He got a point. Well, at least my answer surprised him even though it didn't sound logical. He looked engrossed with the topic, and suddenly, it fueled me to defend my answer.

"I want that change because treasures should come from the heart, and not from material possession, and tears no matter what triggered it, was one of purest things a person can produce. It came from our deepest thoughts and emotions."

If I only had the power to cause that kind of change, I would be rich beyond measure. My tears had been my constant companion in the absence of my mother. Just thinking of her right now, was poisoning my positivity.

"Interesting." He hummed.

I swallowed hard.

"What about you? If you had the power to change something in this world, what would it be?" I asked hesitantly, not sure if I had the right to ask such a thing.

I'm still intimidated by him, but I'm really curious. It's a dream come true to be with the Poet I had admired all my life, and talked about things in a much deeper perspective. Throughout my existence, my only outlet in my strange thoughts were my poems, and despite how close Kaeden and I are, he's not the kind of person who would understand how I viewed the world. He was like sunshine, rainbows, and glitters; he was carefree and full of positivity, while I'm the opposite. I'm the dark thoughts in midnight, the shadow in the corner, and the rain on the days of melancholy.

"If there's really a life after death; hell and heaven or whatever they called it, I hope God would offer paradise instead of eternal punishment to those lonely souls who chose to end their lives, rather than to continue living a life of misery and depression."

He looked so deep in his thoughts. As if he was sitting right next to me but his mind was somewhere else.

I took a deep breath, and fought the tears from falling. Kung hindi lang ako sigurado na wala siyang alam tungkol sa mama ko, iisipin kong sinasabi niya lang 'to para maibsan ang lungkot ko. To be honest, I didn't know if I should agree with what he said or be angry instead. The stigma that we're not enough was one of the biggest burdens my father and I carried when my mother killed herself. I still remembered how some of my classmates and neighbors judged my father because he couldn't save my mother; that her pain overshadowed her desire to stay with us, that our love will never be enough for her to continue living.

"Bakit n-naman? If that will happen, it will just encourage a lot of people to kill themselves."

"I'm not saying this to encourage suicide, nor I'm justifying their actions," he suddenly stopped the car, and looked at me. I didn't know what he saw in my expression that turned his eyes soft. But there's understanding in the way he looked at me.

"Then, why?"

"They've been through a lot of hell in this world, they've lived in the dark for too long. We don't have any idea about the battles they've endured before they give up. I might not approve of what they chose but I didn't judge them either. So if I could really change something, I wanted to give them what the world deprived them when they're still alive—light and happiness."

Tears fell from my eyes because I got his point. I fucking got it. Damn. This man really deserved my devotion. His own perspective might be considered as taboo for other people, or even unacceptable in some beliefs, but this is Dark, and he would never filter his opinion just to appease the morals of others.

No matter how much I hated my mother for her decision to end her life, I'll do whatever it takes just to give her paradise wherever she is right now. This world owed her a lot, because she was deprived of the legacy she had worked so hard for. Dark's opinion somehow gave me comfort.

Sa kabila ng mga nangyari ngayon, at sa mga nakita ko, medyo naibsan ang kirot ng sugat na iniwan ni mama sa akin. I felt like I'm not the only one who viewed the world in a different light.

I smiled sadly and wiped my stupid tears.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For not being like them," I whispered softly and averted my gaze.

Hindi ako sigurado kung narinig niya ba ito, pero hindi ko na siya nilingon pa ulit. Takot akong makita kung ano man ang reaction niya. He started the engine, and our journey continued.

Only this time, his silence bothered me.