Trendsetter (book 2) - H.S

Chapter 19: Leave It Alone.

A/N: oops.... sorry for this one(,: also THIS SONG AND THE NEXT CHAPTER SONG ARE THE MOST PERFECT TRENDSETTER SONGS EVER(,:

Also... El really be that pretty... wow. (This is the outfit I imagine when she goes to the studio!)

EL'S POV:

    I wake up, and push my hair out of my face, looking at the ceiling in thought. If I don't get out of bed, they're still going to go home today. Get up El, you need to stop thinking about it, you need to let it go, and pretend like nothing is happening. Exactly that. I get out of my bed, and get myself as ready as I feel like, knowing I will probably be in bed the rest of the day, or working on things I need done, anything to keep me occupied, and not thinking. I walk down the stairs, and the air mattress is put away, the suitcases are by the door, and my parents are both up, and seem to be waiting.
    "Well there you are... We gotta get going Ellie bug." My dad tells me, and I nod.
    "Sorry I missed my alarm. Let's get going then." I wave my hand, and they get up, getting their own luggage. I help them load it into the car, but I keep myself somewhat quiet. Not on purpose, but it's hard to think of things to say in these moments, knowing I wont be going home, knowing there's a chance this could be the last time I see my dad.... Stop El, stop thinking about it. I drive my parents silently, and watch my newest home pass me by.
    "I think I might actually miss it here." my mom chimes in, and I almost look away from the road.
    "Suzie are you feelin alright?" I hear my dad ask, and I look in the rear view at my mom.
    "Yea, seriously are you feeling okay?" I ask my mom, and she sighs.
    "I'm feelin just fine. I like the fast pace nature of this place, and the people are just fine. Goodness you two are the same damn person." my mom holds her hands in her lap, and I smile. Me and him are the same, and I love him for making me the way that I am. We get to the airport, and it's busy as I suspected... the day after christmas, what else would LAX be? I get out of the drop off, and bring myself around to both of them who stand on the sidewalk, leaving the car running. "Alright get over her." My mom pulls me in, and hugs me at my neck, and I let her, holding her back. She finally pulls away, and my dad is already opening his arms up to me.
    "I ain't gonna miss this place but I am gonna miss you bug, and I need you to know I'd come back a thousand times again if it meant I'd be lookin at your sweet face." He tells me, and I feel myself tearing up, and he pulls me in. "None of that bug, you ain't gonna cry for me." He tells me, and he's right. This isn't him, this isn't us at all. Neither of us cry unless we have a real reason to, and he is still alive, we are both alive, and breathing, meaning there's no reason to cry. I hug him tightly, hugging him as if it's my last time, and I smell him in, taking his scent, feeling his warmth, loving my dad with all I am in this hug. "I love you Ellie bug." He tells me, and I smile, keeping my eyes closed.
    "I love you daddy." He pulls away first, and I smile at him, and my mom. "Alright you guys gotta go, or you're going to miss your flight." I tell them, and they take their suitcases.
    "You stay out of trouble, and send me pictures of all your designs, and all your things. Ellie Bug, you never stop, you never stop getting bigger, and bigger, and never stop shinin okay?" My dad encourages me.
    "You better keep that boy by your side... He loves you, and we do too Eileen, so much. We're proud of you." My mom chimes after him, and I smile.
    "I'll do it all, and it'll be for y'all. I love you guys, now go on." I tell them, and they don't say anything else, turning their backs to me. I find myself, holding the necklace Harry got me. Haley's name between my fingers, our family together for a few moments. My dad turns over his shoulder, giving me a small wave, and I wave back, and once they're through the doors, I get in my car, and take a deep breath, not looking towards where they just walked, knowing that I will run in there after them, and never let them leave.
I drive away, keeping my strength high, and going straight back to my apartment. Once I'm inside I don't even bother going back upstairs, I stay in the showroom, and get back to work on the second look for Harry at the MET, working on just the bow for now. I get lost in it, focusing solely on the work in front of me. Time escapes me, and the only thing that brings me out of it is my phone buzzing. I see his name, and I let it ring, not wanting to be distracted with his family right now, knowing it'll only make me think of what I'm keeping from him. I sit alone for longer, sewing and stitching, moving to the pants after I finish the bow, not feeling the tears but still thinking the thoughts, constantly reminding myself to stop, and to not think the way that I continually find myself slipping into. I can turn this pain and this hate into art if I try hard enough but it continues to look like sadness to me, like a bad distraction that's only going to hurt me more.
This truth, this fear it's so bitter as I taste it, and feel it, knowing that it's only going to get worse as time goes on. I think that whoever is up there over us, whoever is controlling this must be laughing at me, seeing how I'll deal with this because the moment I open up, and move past the thing that closed me off in the first place... The death of Haley, then I hear the news that my father is dying. The moment I start living it's like i'm being stabbed, and taken right back to where I started, and I don't want that, but at the same time, this would be so much easier if I did go back, if I did turn into the person that I was. Who else am I going to lose? Who is next? Most of my family is gone, most of the people I love are gone, and it scares me because what are they going to do when I'm gone? Am I even good enough to be someone that others would miss when I was gone? It feels like everything I was sure of is being questioned again, and I hate every second of this.
I wake up the next day, the sun pouring through my apartment windows, the christmas spirit still hanging around, but the warmth long gone. I don't know when I came upstairs last night but I'm here now, and I don't know what time it is but I didn't wake up on my own, I woke up to the sound of buzzing from the door downstairs. I scramble from my couch to the control panel, and I press the button quickly, gathering my thoughts as much as I can.
"Hello?" I ask softly, rubbing my eyes.
"Did you just wake up?" His voice is bright, but he seems upset at the same time.
"Um, yea... I was up late last night... I think." I tell him, and the line goes quiet for a second, the throbbing of my head becoming prominent as I hear the quiet.
"Are you going to let me up? El, what's going on with you?" He asks, and I buzz him in, ignoring the question at hand. I move myself back to the couch, and sit down, reaching for my phone, and noticing his missed calls. He only left a few, and Anthony as well. I'm guessing Harry couldn't get a hold of me so he called Anthony to reach me. Neither were lucky obviously, as last night I ended up doing something that made me forget it all. The door opens, and Harry comes in, seeing me sat on the corner of my couch, and holding up an empty wine bottle in his hand. "I know why you weren't answering... Have a fun night last night?" He asks, and I cover my face, and understand where the headache came from.
"I don't remember drinking that..." I tell him honestly, and he sighs.
"Do you remember ignoring my calls?" He asks, and my stomach sinks a bit. I do remember avoiding a few of them, knowing he was with his family, and knowing I didn't want to be around that because it would make me sad over mine.
"I didn't do it on purpose, I was working on the second look, and I guess I got carried away." I partially lie, and he looks down to me.
"El, what the hell is going on with you? There's something not right here, and I said I was going to let you deal with it on your own, and tell me when you were ready but it's obvious that it's worse than I thought..." He mumbles, and sits down next to me, so I stand up, and move towards the kitchen.
"Nothing... Nothing is going on, I just never thought I would be sad over the fact that my family isn't going to be around me... I'm going to miss them." I'm not lying, that's truthful, because I really am going to miss them, more than anything. "That's why I didn't want to intrude on your family time yesterday, it would have made me miss mine more." I tell him, and he tilts his head at me, giving me soft eyes as I drink my water.
"You're not lying to me?" He asks softly, and I shake my head. "You know why I came over today?" He asks, and I shake my head again. "You really would fall apart without me. You need to do your injection today." He tells me, and stands up, walking to my medicine cabinet. "And if you're up for it, I planned a meeting tonight so we can figure things out for the music video. We've got about three weeks till we leave for Cancun, and I think the director has everything planned in their vision from what we've talked about but it'll be you, me, Jeffrey, and Vincent the director." He tells me, and I nod, sitting myself on the stool like I did last time, getting ready for my injection.
"I'll be there, I have to be." I tell him, knowing this is my job.
"You don't have to be, I can just give you the details of everything that's said if you're not feeling well... Your health comes first El." He tells me, and he looks at me, syringe at the ready. "Ready?" He asks, and I nod, knowing I could do this on my own, but also knowing he likes to feel needed in this sense because he knows this is all he can do to help my condition, but also knowing that I can hardly remember when I need to inject. He presses the needle in, and does what he did before, giving me my dose, and watching my face the entire time, making sure I'm alright. He finishes, cleaning everything up, but I don't feel anything different, still down, still not happy, and still wishing he wasn't here right now because there's a pull on me, I know that it's not right what I'm keeping from him, but I can't bring him down with it, especially not now, knowing he's got so much happening in his own career right now.
"See look, I'm fine, even after all the christmas food the past two days, I'm fine." I tell him, standing up, and going back to my couch.
"Well, I'm going to stay here, and see how fine you really are once your injection kicks in... El, you don't have to pretend to be strong like you used to... I know this medicine is awful, and-" He starts, but I cut him off.
"I said I was fine." I snap, and he looks to me, almost shocked. "I'm fine..." I mutter, my voice softer.
"Alright, I can go then." He mumbles, obviously not knowing how to feel over the outburst, knowing I don't normally do it.
"Just send me an address for later." I mumble, and he looks at me, he's questioning, and I know he wants to push, to ask me something but he doesn't, and I just continue to look down, feeling bad for my attitude but knowing it won't get any better.
"Alright El..." He mumbles, the disappointment prominent in his tone as he walks towards the door. "El..." I turn to look at him, my headache seeming to grow. "I love you, whatever is going on just know that I love you." He tells me, and I give the softest smile, it coming to my lips before I can stop it.
"I love you... Nothing is going on, I'll see you tonight." I tell him, and he's gone. I lay there, and stay there practically all day, hardly moving, and feeling the effects of the medication but not letting the feeling take control of me. I made myself move to actually get ready, knowing I would be around important people, people like Jeffrey who haven't seen me since tour. I got in my car, I used the address Harry sent me, and I went to the location. Paparazzi were the first thing I saw when I pulled up to the valet. The flashing cameras that start as soon as I get out of my car send shockwaves through me. I guess the fans are going to know that I'm still on his team now. I know they were confused during tour, and especially after, wondering if we were ever together or not. I cover my face, and walk towards the doors, ignoring the shouts from the camera men, and go straight inside, heading to the studio number I was given. I feel rushed as I push through the door, the flashing still in my mind, and once I'm through the doors there are eyes on me again.
    "There she is." Jeffrey is the first to speak, and he walks up to me, welcoming me with a hug. I didn't know what to expect but I'm not surprised by this. I hug him back, glad for the warm welcome, and pull away seeing another familiar face. Kid is here, someone Harry didn't mention, but I don't think this was an ambush, I don't think he knew he was going to be here. Helene is in the corner of the room as well, and once my eyes are on her I move to her.
    "Helene, oh thank god I haven't seen you in ages." She meets me halfway, her camera moving to the side as she wraps her other arm around me.
    "I guess I'm chopped liver." Jeffrey chimes behind me, and I pull away turning back.
    "It's good to see you, all of you again, I missed you guys. Hope your Christmas was wonderful." I tell both of them, and Harry steps forward.
    "Hello love, are you feeling alright?" He asks in a low voice, not bringing attention to it which I'm thankful for.
    "Fine, thank you." I smile softly, and see an unfamiliar face. Harry notices and brings me forward.
    "El this is Vincent, he's going to direct the music video, and he's here to tell you his vision that way you can come up with yours for what I'm wearing." He tells me, and I look back to Kid, "And he's here to listen to the song, and make sure it all sounds right before it's going to videod... Helene is here because she's been here every second of the recording process to take pictures, and this is similar." He tells me, and I nod. I lean my hand forward to Vincent, and he smiles, accepting.
    "It's lovely to meet you, I'm El Montgomery." I introduce myself even though I know for a fact he already knows.
    "And I'm Vincent, call me Vince. I'm glad to be working with the lot of you." He tells me, and everyone else.
    "Alright we'll let you hear the song first El since you're the only one who hasn't yet." He tells me, and I take a seat at the table, Jeffrey on my side, and Vincent across from me. Kid is at the soundboard, and I can feel Harry's hands on the back of my chair as he stands behind me. He doesn't want to see my face when I hear the song for the first time. The song starts, and it's not what I was expecting at all, something very different, very funky in a way. The words are familiar, Do You Know Who You Are. He asked me that in London, he told me to step into the light back in London, and now I know how serious he was when he said that the entire album is practically about me. "What do you mean? I'm sorry by the way." It all makes sense to me as to when and why he wrote it, but all around I love the song. It finishes up, the vocals dying out at the end and I find myself nodding.
    "Ah, I fucking love it." Kid chimes in the background, and all I can do is agree.
    "What do you think?" Harry leaves around the side of the chair, looking to me, and I look over my shoulder to him, giving a soft smile to him. I hear the click of Helene's camera but I ignore it, smiling.
    "I loved it, every second, it was great." I smile despite the pit in my stomach. Do you know who you are? No, I don't, not a single part of me knows the answer to that question right now. Vincent grabs my attention, and we get to talking right away, launching ourselves of the deep end, and making my head spin instantly. We talk, and the video is going to be amazing and it's just in words, not even visuals, but I have so much to do. Nine outfits, all different, none similar in any way and I'm once again scared, feeling the same way I did when we talk about his jumpsuit for the MET, and when I had to design the tour suits. We finish up the conversation, and the room starts to clear out, everyone saying goodbye. Harry and I are all that's left. I grab my new purse, and my phone, standing from my chair.
    "Are you alright?" He asks, and I sigh.
    "For the hundredth time... yes." I lie, knowing I'm confused, and beyond stressed, still mentally yelling at myself for thinking of my father in any way.
    "Don't get upset with me for checking on you El... I'm just worried about you." He tells me, and my chest tightens a bit.
    "I know you are, just... just trust me. I'm fine... This whole week has just been a lot to take in, and this added on top of it... I'm fine, I just, I really want to get back, and start working on all of these outfits." I tell him truthfully, and he nods, looking down on me.
    "I do trust you, I trust you to tell me everything, I trust you to trust me when there's something going on so I can be here for you, and I can take care of you... You take the highs, I take the lows... Remember that darling." He pulls my head forward, and kisses my forehead, resting his lips there for a few moments. I close my eyes, basking in the feeling, but pulling myself away.
    "I know... I love you. I'll see you soon." I tell him, and start to leave. He grabs my hands, and stops me, and I turn over my shoulder to look at him.
    "One more." He nods his head, and I see the soft smirk on his lips. I move back, and he kisses my lips softly. He pulls back, and looks down on me and I smile looking away. "I love you, please get some rest." He calls after me, but I say nothing, and head out towards the door. I drove home, and went straight to the showroom once more, pulling out my sketch book, and putting it right on my desk. I move the second MET look to the unfinished rack of clothing, and sit back down, knowing I'll get to that after I get to this. I open my sketch book, and read over the notes I made, knowing I need to sketch all of this out, and that there is going to be about a hundred different makes of each outfit. I have too many ideas running through my mind to keep up with.
    I worked all night that night, and the next day. I ignored Harry's calls too. At first it wasn't on purpose, but then I ended up just turning my phone off, not wanting to see his name. The stress became more, so much more within yesterday, mostly because I know how much work I have. I only get three weeks to make all of these outfits, and it seems this might be Harry's favorite past time... Springing something on me this late, stressing me out beyond belief. I haven't gotten a call from him today, but hardly anyone has tried to reach out since christmas which might be a good thing. I'm working on a blue outfit. We talked and he said no suits, so I decided on high waisted pants and button downs, he loves showing off his chest, and he loves glimmer. He loves over exaggerated fashion that isn't screaming for attention, and I know that going this route, heeled boots, high waisted pants, and sparkly shirts is the way to go for this. My phone vibrates, and I jump at the sound.
    "Hello?" I ask quickly, putting my work down.
    "Ellie bug, how're you doin?" He asks, and his voice is music to my ears right now.
    "I'm stressed, working on a lot, but I can't complain." I tell him.
    "What're you workin on? Somethin for the brit?" He asks, and I smile.
    "Yep, somethin for the brit." I tell him. "Did you need something or were you just calling to call?" I ask, not wanting to rush him, but knowing I've got a lot of work to do.
    "Today's going to be rough, and I wanted to hear my Eileen." He tells me, and my chest sinks.
    "What's going on today daddy?" I ask carefully, and he pauses, taking a second.
    "I'm startin my chemo treatment today Ellie bug." He tells me softly, and I open my mouth to speak but I can't. Just like that the music in his voice is gone, and I can't blink away my tears.
    "Oh..." I mumble, not knowing what else to say. I look down to the blue high waisted pants in front of me, and focus on them.
    "Eileen, are you there?" He asks after the silence takes hold.
    "I'm here, I- I have a lot of work to do so I'm going to get back to that. Good luck today daddy, tell momma to call me with details later. I love you, bye." I hang up after I hear him saying his goodbyes. I stare for a few more seconds, looking straight ahead. I stare ahead, and I get mad at myself. El quit, El fucking stop being a baby, and handle this like an adult, suck it up. There's a knock on the shop door, and I look quickly, jumping out of my mind, and I see Harry standing there. His hands are shoved into his loose fitting pants, and his t shirt hangs loosely off of his body. I wipe my eyes quickly, and stand from my desk, unlocking the door, and walking away from it. The door opens and closes behind me, and I keep my back turned until I sit back at my desk. "I'm working." I mumble, feeling somewhat defeated in this moment.
    "Is that why you've ignored me for the past two days? El, I said I trusted you, and I meant that but you're giving me every reason to believe that something is wrong..." He tells me, and I want to scream in this moment.
    "Nothing is wrong. I'm working, I shut my phone off, that's all it is." I grumble.
    "Don't lie to me. You can hurt me, you can yell at me, and scream at me but you won't lie to me El. Is it us? Did I do something wrong, are you having regrets, do you not want this anymore?" He asks me, and I whip my head around.
    "No! Not everything is about you, not everything has to do with you and us, and this, just.." I groan out and turn back around to the table, taking the blue pants in my hands, but they are quickly removed from my grasp.
    "You've been crying. I can see it in your eyes, I see the tear stains on your cheeks, I saw you wipe your tears away when you looked to the door. El, you're lying to me, and I will not pretend this isn't happening." He barks, and I snap.
    "I'm crying because I'm constantly working harder and harder to please you and your entire fucking team, and I know that one day it's not going to be good enough! You fucking spring this shit on me with little to no time to get it done, knowing I just got my injection, knowing that stress triggers a flare up, knowing that I want to fucking rip my hair out with this shit. Nine outfits? Nine fucking outfits in three weeks? More like two because I need to check them on you and alter what I don't like. Then there's another tour, and another fucking video, and the MET gala, and then your fucking album cover. I'm fucking drowning!" I burst, and he stares at me, his eyes look between both of mine, and he opens his mouth to speak but stops himself. "I miss my friends. I fucking miss my friends from Milan, and I hardly see Anthony. The girls in New York, but I don't have any time to be with them, I hardly have time to breath.." I pause, and find myself shaking my head. "Just leave it alone." I mumble, and take the pants back from him, putting them back on the table.
    "I can't leave it alone El. I can't just leave you, this, us. I can't just get over shit like you can, I can't just shut it off and pretend I don't have any feelings because that's not me, it never has been, not even when you forced me to be that way was I like that." He tells me, and I raise my eyebrows.
    "Forced? I have never and will never force you to do anything. You're forcing me to fucking talk, and push myself, and work till my fucking fingers bleed, and I have other clients, other people, other things. You're so wrapped up in your own self that you don't realize that there are other things, and other people living around you." I speak without thinking, and I catch a glimpse of him. I see the hurt on his face from my words, and I look away. "Just.. Just leave me alone. Just get out, and go home." I mumble, my voice lower, and he stays put for a second, and then I hear his keys.
    "Alright El." He mumbles back, and then he's gone, and I feel even worse than I did before he got here. I just ruined the only good thing in my life.

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Song: Leave It Alone by Hayley Williams

Okay... I know what you guys are going to say... you're going to say that you're mad at me, that you're mad at El... BUT HEAR ME OUT!!!

El is still learning how to be open, to be the kind of person that she wants to be and something like this like the person who raised her dying... it's going to kinda fuck everything up...

BUT PLEASE!!!! Bare with me, and bare with El in her hard times because I PROMISE  I will somewhat fix things for now and in the end everything will be superb I PROMISE!

Comment your thoughts!