lost and found

3.

Run, run Abby, the voice yelled at me. A faint light was just a head of me. But i was stuck, the more i tried to run like the voice told me, te quicker i was sinking in the quick sand beneath my feet. A menacing creacher comes closer, reaching for me, with any good intension,and instantly stop breathing. the moment it tried to grab me, i was snatched out of my dream and in to the world of the living. It started to dawn on me that somebody woke me up out of that nightmare. Fear taken over me, i put myself in the furthest corner from the person that woken me up. " it's Disa miss, i'm not going to hurt you." She says in a calming voice. And my fight or flight reactions subsided. "Hurry up miss, there's training in twenty minutes." With that note she left the room. I sprinter to the bathroom and got ready, i put on Some black leggings, and an oversized black shirt. Just plain old me was staring back at me in the mirror. Left my room and descendent to the main hall at the base of the stairs, where i saw Heidi standing waiting for me. " Come on Abigail " she said. " get a move on, your coming with me for the basic stuff, when your ready we can go with the pack to sparing training." I nodded, and followed her to the woods.

We came to a clearing, i glanced to the tree's that surrounded the meadow, every animal was silent, the wind rushing trough my hair hitting me face on could shivers ran down my body, it was freezing out here. I needed warmer clothes or at least a jacket with a build in fire place If i had a year to stay here.
" can you turn in to your wolf?" Heidi asked me gently. Thinking about it, i now Stella is with me, but de fist time i changed was 5 years ago, and that was also the last time. " i've only turned once," i said to Heidi. " it was on my sixteen birthday, and since then Stella hadn't wanted to come out, i don't think today would be any different." i told Heidi. she looked at me like i grown two heads instead of one. " so your able to turn, but your wolf doesn't want to. Is that right?" Nodding my head of i confirmed her conclusion. "Well thats something i didn't expected to hear that. So bluntly she will not defend you?" I shook my head now. " So what is it then," She asked with a pensive voice. " So is able to defend my, and she would If i give her a chance. However i never needed her to defend me." My voice brook at that confession. I didn't think Stella had to. She was my companion, i don't want her to get hurt for me. I'm not worth that by any way.
I was pulled out of my thoughts by Heidi, " can you let her come out today, i need to inspect her befor we can do anything t help you and your wolf heal. I say my Wolf coming closer in my mind, she was dragging her paws, clearly not in the mood to come out. She was in the same state as me, not caring anymore, she just wanted to disappear like i. Heidi stood in front of me looking to the inner battle me and my wolf where having. " Come on Stella she want to see us" there was no moving Stella she war fixed on standing her ground. Heavily shaking here head, she didn't want anybody to see her. I keept on pushing Stella, and she kept on denying me. We been discussing for over give minutes now.
Heidi her patience was don. She steps closer, looking strait in my eyes. " doesn't she wanna come out to play? Is she giving hard time?" My checks turned red, how confounded this is. I stood there, weakness came down on me, and it pulled the darkness closer to my heart. It confirmed me that i am the lowest wolf in any pack. Why would Stella and i turn, where nothing. not even good enough to walk tis earth. Heidi saw me drowning again in my own thoughts.  she walked over, plating her hand on my shoulder. Would it help If i command here to come. " Please don't" i appeal to her  "it's gonna hurt me like hell. She's resisting me." Heidi nodded. And left the pulling out of my wolf for what it was.
"Lets have hand to hand combat, beginning with defense position. Every girl needs to learn defending. Not depending on a male to defend you." Heidi looked at me, to see a dreadful gaze on my face. " And every defends begins with the possibility to run." She smiled at me making her point. " Do you know the reason why i'm not trained?" I asked with a small voice. She confirmed me, " So your not afraid to be uit by my two left feet?" A giggle escapes her mouth, she's really laughing. " Come on Abigail." Still laughing she started to run. With me following.
After running trough the entered forrest, i had a burning feeling in my lungs. "Oh come on Abigail, that was a short run." I kook at her with an expression of disbelief. " and i'm the crazy on" ik muttered. Heidi's eyes glint at that; but her face turn so rapidly serious. "Abigail, you're not crazy darling, you're just out of balance."
I nodded, but deep down inside i know that the craziness wasn't far away. Day by day i lost another piece of me. even here far away of my pack, the darkness kept on pulling me down back to the hell. My confidence to overcome the blackness residing in me, is melting away do to the heat of my personal purgatory. Feeling not alive, but i wasn't dead either. I felt numb, just walking around my life in circles. Was this what the goddess wanted for me, broken by a mate that could hurt me even trough the bond. A bond that she created. A mate that was cruel, a mate that thought that he could be controlling me.

" Lets meditate, bringing our human soul in touch with your Wolfs soul." Heidi snatch me out of my pensief state.
I tried i really tried, but my brain wasn't doing it. Instead of meditation it. My brain song Manamana of the muppets, this started to be harder that i could imagine. The hour past like a snail , and i wasn't happyer than i started. What the point, i'm wasting Heidi's time, i'm not solvable, i'm a lost soul. Heidi saw my predicament. And with out an other word we left the forrest meadow.