lost and found

4.

About 14 weeks had past, and i'm stil numb, a little beter, however still spiraling towards the all consuming darkness. It pulls at me, hungry for my soul and life. Hungry to see me fail, of what i supossed to be doing here.
But for now, i am here i won't answer to it's call. When i return home, that's a different story.
It screams at me everyday, beaconing me. It gives me the promises of peace. The luxurious of nothing. The deafening quiet. The end.

Where almost at the end of april, and the days or finally get some sunshine. I past my time with the defending lessons, from Heidi, study's for my degree. And still that damned meditation session. I still was singing in head each time Heidi tries to get me relaxed. One positive note, the difference between the first time i tried and now, Stella is singing along.  Really of key and annoying.
My wolf one day had enough, So she went as crazy as i am since she spooked back at me, i had to block her. My second half was totally out of control. she never turned us, but she took over my body, Mostly she came out at night, when everybody went to sleep.
Stella could give so much trouble. After one of her practical jokes 2 weeks ago, the hole pack that let my live amongst them, didn't come near me anymore. The Alpha put a security team at my door, not to protect me, but to protect there pack, seemly i was a tread at night. Or Stella in this case. I don't blame them, i understand, and i'm glad that everybode past me by without giving me the time of day. Except for Heidi, she laughed her ass of. She was glad, glad to see my wolfs caricature came out. And because she heard all the on mated males say that the ware bigger normally, blaming the cold of there miniature self.

My wolfs joke backfired on me, and i'm a bit pissed off. She took my body that night, and ran to every tree that had stash of clothes in them, for after the morning run of the pack. She had placed the clothes in the  next by sauna. Never thinking that it was freezing out side.  And so the clothes had become wet. She didn't calculate that in her plan. So everybody had to go in there human body trough snow and wind to reach the pack house. Do to that, everybody had snow burn over ther entire body. The Alpha and Luna, weren't as understanding, that i let my wolf take over, so i was on double meditation for the duration of my stay and confined to my room for except of my trainings with Heide, this until further notice.

The first punishment was bad, and evil, i know that Heidi put it on the table. That woman would kill me with here insistent on meditation. She grinned at me with evilness in her eyes, when the Alpha demanded it. Even her Luna was on board. And joked about it whenever she had the chance. I didn't mind that at all.
I adore these woman, they are strong, kind en refreshing for me. If i need a talk of a break they are there for me. Even in silence they are good company to have. The Luna and Heidi became my friends along the way. I still wasn't sure about my worthiness as an omega, to be there friends. They are so much beter than me. I could never do what they did.
The Luna was kind, loving, and If necessary she would be like a mother to her pack. She balanced softness and hardness with such a grace. If i was half of what Luna Katrina is, than i would be more in tune with myself. I would be more functionally instead of just walking trough moments. Heidi i admired for her endless energie, the woman is like the roadrunner most of the time. i'm beginning to think that she lives in a other dimension,  where days of 48 Houres long instead of our 24. If i was on the move with Heidi i had to be at my best stamina, our i lost her in a minute. They Quickly turned in a ray of sun on my more darkened days. They saw me as a little sister, and they had a ball with dressing me and doing my hair and make up, i would let them do everything they wanted to do. i didn't mind, i actually started to love them for it. It did me some good. Even Heidi's mate Larkin became a good friend, i found it easy to talk to him about Christian, to talk about my feelings. To talk about the nightmares i still had in the darkness of night. Larkin wasn't a guy that says a lot, but i found him a great listener. the thing i most appreciated of him was he never gave advice, he just listened. it was more like a kind of waterfall that leave my mouth, and he was the calm river that comes after.

Today was different, for the first time i would get weapon training. Heidi told me because of Stella's deining to transform in our wolf form, i would get lessons on weapons. The first thing she learned me is take anything you can, take in your surroundings an see what you can grap to hurt your enemy.
I looked around our training meadow, and saw a stick, a rock and monkshood. The stick was to far away, the rock laid behind Heidi's back. But the monkshood was at my feet. So i crouched letting her think that i was looking at my lashes. I took a hand of gras and the monkshood. And stood up, ripping root out of the soil.
Heidi claps her hands " Wonderfull, somebody's Reading in on plants, wanna become a healer as well?" She asked me. A blush creeps on my face. Slitty nodding. " Yes Disa gave me some Book out of the pack library. one was on determining of plants around the world, they where plants with special gifts." Heidi looked impressed " So what do you know about the plant in you hands now," i begin " This is Aconitum or monkshood in english, i't vers toxic, it paralyzed your body at first, than it stops the muscles from youre lungs and heart. Its a very painful dead." Heidi almost jumpen up and down. " you nerd' she said, " i do love youre brain, the easiness to take information in is admirable." Fases by her compliment,a small warmth was crawling its way to my heart. It felt good to be able to think of the way Heidi saw me. I was pride of my self, for the first time in weeks. The rest of the lesson was done with an ease, it was the first time training that was in my league. i enjoyed it.