flowers at sea -lukadrien

-17- they don't care

Feeling self pity doesn't do anything, it won't turn back time to practise harder, it won't make me feel any better, but why do I get so worked up over these little insignificant stuff? It's not like I spent years of effort, it was simply 1 week and I get so depressed over something I didn't really earn.

All I do is deliberately expect that something was sure to happen, it was like I was desperate for good stuff to just get to me. Everything happens for a reason, I know that, but why can't things just go my way?

I will get over this tomorrow, I tell myself each day. When I wake up, everything will turn back to normal, like it never happened, this feeling is just temporary. When each day past, the anger and pain sink deeper and deeper, though I've learnt to conceal it, it bottles up in me. Once in a while, I get this sudden burst of sadness and start going crazy, I get worked up, sensitive, unreasonable, especially since I met Adrien Agreste, I can't help it.

I can't stop cringing, I can't stop remembering the scene, it's like he implanted a bug in my head, making the memories repeat and repeat again. Everytime I look at him, I feel a mixture of love and agony, unknown whether to go closer or run away, my feelings hold me back, like they're suppose to.

Music. Music can drown it out. I always plug in headphones when I'm mad or when I feel sad or upset for no reason. It helps me get my mind off what I'm upset about, when it doesn't work I get cranky and start yelling, shouting, potentially hurting others verbally. I feel like stopping, but the music is too loud, my mind is filled with regret and impatience, I have no room for kindness or selflessness.

People ask me what's wrong, I say I don't know. They say I'm lying, I tell them I'm not. They ask if I'm okay, I say I am. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to answer their questions. They're trying to make me think that they care, but in reality they're just curious, they don't actually want to help me. And when I try to consult and talk to them about my problems, they always ask me why, and when I give them an answer, they don't feel satisfied with it and keep digging deeper, pushing me, questioning me again and again like I know why all these negative stuff keep happening to me, like I know how to stop it. I try to cry but I can't, I try to scream but I'm scared, I don't know who to talk to, they'll just judge me anyways.

I've been living my entire life this way, it's almost normal now. I keep pushing away people trying to help me while keeping them close, I try to act like they're helping but they actually aren't, I don't trust them even though I know I could.

They don't sense anything wrong, but once they get bored of asking, they don't care. I ask them if something is bothering them and they act like their life is a big deal, in the past when I was a victim of bullying and discrimination, when those 'friends' just wanted to use me to their advantage because they knew I was just desperate for people to like me, was anyone there for me? Did they even bother? Was I really that pathetic? The saddest part is that I just accepted that this is my life, there's no use in resisting, what could the kind, happy and carefree Luka do?

Now at this moment, I got in a proper college, my studies are great, I have great friends, I even have someone to love. Why do I feel so empty? Sometimes I just feel that I don't belong, when i'm laughing and joking around with them, something seems off. I'm grateful that my life had changed for the better, but no matter how much I try to forget, the hatred and regret of my past never fail to envelope me in this never ending fall.

I don't trust them. They don't understand. They don't care.

But then, who am I to say?

I don't trust myself either.