flowers at sea -lukadrien

-20- bitter tears

"Why not?"

She shook her head, "I got a phone call from him earlier, he said he can't make it, and when I asked why, he hung up suddenly."

"And you didn't bother to tell us?"

"By the time I called Juleka, she said the both of you had reached and I decided to just tell you in person. I'm sorry."

I felt a little disappointed and worried, what had gotten into him? It wasn't like him to bail last minute, but then, isn't this whole thing planned last minute?

"N-no, it's totally fine. But Adrien is our pianist, he's part of the band, how are we gonna perform without him? It doesn't feel alright--"

"It's okay, Luka." Ivan raised his drum sticks, "He would've wanted us to play either way, with or without him."

"I guess you're right," I sighed, "I just feel a little upset, that's all."

No, it's not. My brain screamed at me, it's not okay, you know it.

Shut up.

You miss him don't you? You miss him so much that realising that you won't see him breaks you down.

Shut the hell up.

You're so hopeless. Did you think seeing him will make you less vulnerable? Make you less lonely?

Stop it. Everything's so loud, it's too loud. My heart throbbed, my head felt light, my body unable to contain the ringing and yelling, everywhere hurts, why do I feel like this? Why can't everyone just leave me alone? I have no one, I'm so pathetic, the thought of it made my eyes sting.

Yeah, that's it. That's how you really are. You're a fool thinking otherwise.

I'm an idiot. I can't do anything right.

Yeah.

Why am I like this? I want to change.

You can't.

I can't. Those two words had been with me my entire life, I can't defend myself, I can't find happiness, I can't make friends, I can't fit in.

That's it.

I forced a smile, biting my cheeks as I spoke, "Yeah, let's start practicing."

Sometimes certain people need to act to survive in this cruel, gruesome world. Though others will judge me for it, I will act, lying to others, lying to myself.

That's the only way.

"What should we play as our second and third song?" Juleka asked, her voice unclear and blurry.

"You can decide," I told her, my voice felt distant yet so empty, "A song both you and Rose can duet together, you've always wanted to have a chance of singing on stage, didn't you?"

It doesn't matter what I want, as long as other's are happy, I'm okay with it. 

"Then- then what about the third song?"

"I'll figure it out, you guys work on the duet, it's too noisy here, I'll find a more suitable place for myself." I picked up my guitar, "See ya."

I didn't remember them saying bye to me, but they must've because the only thing I remember is increasing my pace at the sound of their voices, my face scrunching up as bitter tears fell from my eyes. How rapidly the tears came, crying made me feel so vulnerable, but this constant pain wouldn't stop, it goes on and on. 

My face felt numb. Everything was numb. I didn't know where I was going, how I felt I remembered so vividly. It hurts. That's the most accurate way to describe it, it really hurts.