The Secrets of Confessions ✔️

Jyoti's Diary (#2)

Usually, the day of your wedding is one of the happiest days of your life. I know mine was. The dress that I wore was so glamorous because of all the jewels, and the material just felt so luxurious.

When you include the jewelry that I wore, I thought I looked absolutely beautiful. And supposedly, your wedding anniversary is supposed to be even more magical. It's the time to spend with your spouse so that you can remember the magical moments of your wedding day.

You can look back at pictures, and just remember the day when you became one with your spouse. When I look back at those pictures, nothing but sadness is what I feel. Considering that I have to look at his face and see all that happiness, it breaks my heart.

I really shouldn't have betrayed him like I did. And I can empathize with him on the way that he found out. I was an idiot. I let desire overcome me in the worst way possible.

Of course, we got to spend time together on our last wedding anniversary as a couple before he took off. It was magical. He woke up early just to make me breakfast, cleaned the house so that I didn't have to do any chores that day, and made my favorite meals for me all day. He put fresh flowers in the vases, and made sure that everything was perfect for me. It was all for me. He did everything for me. It hurts to know that I wasn't able to give it back to him.

I think a few weeks after our wedding, one thing only seemed to catch on for me. I don't know why, but it did, and it frightened me. His anger. It came to me when he dealt with pieces of crap at work. He just was so... rage filled, and it frightened me.

Surprisingly, when he saw how scared I was, he apologized, and promised me one thing. That he would never direct his anger towards me.

That's the thing that hurts. He kept his promise, but I didn't keep mine. He never directed his fits of rage towards me, and he never made me feel frightened of him again. When we got married, there was an almost expected vow of fidelity woven into all the rituals that we did. I violated that vow so badly that deep down, I wasn't even surprised at his reaction.

We had been so happy as well. I ruined that happiness so badly that it wasn't even funny. We found out I was pregnant with Ashmita about a week and a half before  the anniversary. He was so overjoyed. I could see all the love he had fallen into with me in his eyes.

He hugged me, and told me how much he loved me, and how much he would love this baby. I knew that he always wanted to have kids, and the fact that we were in the perfect position to do so was just too perfect. That was another problem.

It was too perfect. Nothing is perfect. Especially about the nature of the pregnancy.

That hot June morning was the day that changed everything. The guilt from what I had done was eating me alive so badly. I just had to tell him. I couldn't hide it any longer. He was lied to enough already. I couldn't lie to him for one more second, otherwise I was sure that I was going to break down inside. He finished dusting the cabinets, and came into the living room to check on me to see if I needed anything.

I did need something. I needed to talk to him. It was time to bring the truth to light and to bring him justice. He sat down next to me, and without another thought's worth of hesitation, I said, "I cheated on you."

His jaw fell open. Pure shock was on his face. His eyes bugged out, like someone pushed them out of the back of his head. I hung my head in shame. I felt so awful for everything I had done to him.

The look morphed into a look of anger, sadness, and fear. "With who?" was all he managed to ask at this time. This was the time in which I knew that this would hammer the final nail into our coffin.

I gulped, and said, "Mason." I was the one who had initiated it. I was longing for a thrilling experience, and I charmed Mason in all the wrong ways. I led him on. He caved. We did it. It was all my fault.

That was when he said, "WHAT?!" in an actually angry voice. I knew at that moment that I had screwed up. Big time. Out of all people, it had to be the person that he had trusted as much as I did. I couldn't have chosen a better person. I had to choose the one person who was just as much of a best friend to him as he was to me.

"Jyoti.... How long ago was this?"

"Three months ago."

"You're-you're three months pregnant." Out of all the revelations, this was one of the most heartbreaking. I knew how much Arjun loved this baby, and now faced with the possibility that it wasn't his made him even more sad.

Tears started to fill his eyes, and he buried his face in his hands. I gulped, not knowing what to do. I didn't know whether I should've comforted him because of how upset he was at that moment.

All I could whisper was, "I'm so sorry, Arjun."

He took his face out of his hands, with tears streaked on his face, and said, "You're sorry? Jyoti, how could you? Is this payback for everything that I have done for you? You knew how much I loved you, and you took advantage of that! I don't even know if that's my baby now! I just- I can't look at you right now."

He got up, and stormed off to the guest bedroom, probably to cool off. I just sat there, wallowing in self pity, as I wondered, "What did I do?"

When evening fell, that was even worse. He didn't speak to me at all during morning and evening, but his actions told me more than what I need to know. When dinner came along, he walked out of the bedroom, with his bags in his hands.

I looked at him, and said, "Arjun, what are you doing?"

He looked at me, with an annoyed look on his face, and said, "I'm out of here. Jyoti, I can't live with a cheater. You promised me that you would never cheat on me when we got married, and you broke that promise. I can't look at you knowing that you betrayed me like that. You got yourself into this mess with the baby, and you're going to dig yourself out of it. Good luck."

He took that, along with one of the car keys, and walked off. "Arjun, please!" I begged, as he walked out. I hung onto his arm, begged, cried, but he didn't budge. It was like trying to negotiate with a newborn about an appropriate time for them to go to bed.

When he left, I cried. I let everything out, and it didn't help that I was a pregnant woman, because my hormones were out of control. I haven't spoken to him since.

Sarah doesn't really tell me how he's doing, despite the fact that they've remained in contact since he left me. I hope he's well, and I just want him to meet Ashmita. Just once. I know that he would love her to death if he met her. But I don't even know if that's possible.

Today's the day that I'm blaming myself so much. If I hadn't slept with Mason, then I think he would still be around, with me, raising our daughter. I broke so many promises, and I didn't even try to repair them. I hated myself almost every day from then on. But, from that day, I promised myself one thing.

No more lies.