FATE

42. Whatever Fate Wills

JONAH

"Come on Jonah", my grip tightens around the edge of the porcelain sink as I stare into the mirror, "just stop thinking..."

"Hello", he said into the receiver, "yes, this is Philip Locke"

I looked out from behind the largest couch in the living room, a purple box with a yellow ribbon clutched in my hands. He was standing in the center of the room, his back facing me, just where she had been, when he begged for her forgiveness before she left.

"What?", Dad said, "what happened?...o-okay, I'll be right there"

He scampered about. I crawled out from behind the couch and watched him, phone in hand as he looked around. "What hospital?", he was saying, "okay okay"

He tossed the phone on the couch before he noticed me. Shock filled his face. "Jonah", he said, "do you know where my car keys are?"

I shrugged, "mom took them when she left to get the-"

"My God, Lauren what have you done?", he said as he ran out of the living room.

It feels like I'm standing at the edge of a very tall cliff, with the weight of an entire building on my shoulders and my legs are shaking so much but I don't want to fall. I don't want to fall because I'm scared I'll never be able to get out. When I look down from the cliff, all I see is darkness, darkness so immense that I can't see through it. I can't fall, I can't let myself fall because if I do, I'll get lost and then I'll remain like this forever.

I let go off the sink and my legs weaken so I collapse on the toilet seat. I bury my face in my hands as the tears fall. It's been a while since I last cried, I didn't think it was still possible for me to do it. not that sometimes I don't feel like it, the tears have just never come until this moment and I know why. I realize i can't continue doing this. I have to be better. It doesn't matter how I do it, I just have to be better for the people around me.

"Hailee is not mom, mom is dead", i whisper to myself, "you can be there for her the way you should be. you just have to be okay", i blink to try to stop the tears from falling but they don't, "you can be the best fucking boyfriend in the world too. You just have to be okay"

I just have to be okay.

I wipe my tears as I take calculated breaths. I stand to turn sink tap on, splashing water on my face before turning it off and taking a look at my reflection. I grin at myself, widely enough and then I try to make my eyes soften but it doesn't work. I don't want Hailee to wake up again and see that I've been crying. She needs to focus on just one thing now and that's getting better. I sigh and try again, this time, not showing too much teeth so it's just the right amount of happy. I look at my reflection.

"It's not going to be that easy to get rid of me Jonah", says pain.

"I'm not trying to get rid of you. I just have to figure out how to hide you", I say, "Hailee doesn't need you around right now and Brooke doesn't like you"

"Then she must not like you at all", he says scornfully, "because as you can see, we are just the same"

I close my eyes and sigh. I'm still at the edge of the cliff and the longer I remain at that spot, the more crazy it gets, or i get.

I push open the toilet stall and walk out. There's nobody waiting outside, thankfully. Hospitals have stuffy air, cheap posters, a whole lot of crying babies and they are too bright but those are definitely not the reasons why I hate them so much. I hate them because every emergency regarding the human life ends up here and there's no telling who lives or who dies. It doesn't matter how many men in white storm into a ward to save a person, whatever fate wills is what it's going to be.