FATE

81. Silence The Thoughts

JONAH

The minute the phone starts to ring, my heart beats. What am I going to say? What am I supposed to tell her? How do I tell her in the best possible way? I glance at the door. Mira's waiting outside, watching so I don't get caught using a phone. I have to be fast- but I don't want to be fast. I want to hear her voice and sleep on the phone with her on the other end. I miss her so much.

The phone vibrates slightly and I place it on my ear.

"Hello"

There's this thing my heart does sometimes. It doesn't skip or pause; it beats a little too fast like a child having a sugar rush. It happens when I'm really excited- and not a lot of things excite me. it's a pretty short list but at the top of that list is Brooke Collins' voice. Right after that is her smile.

I run my hand through my hair. I can't do this.

"Hello", she says again and the beating begins again, "who's this?"

Oh right, this is Mira's phone.

I bite my lip and take a deep breath, hopping off the bed before clearing my throat.

"Hey Collins", I say, "it's me"

"Jonah?", she sounds so beautiful, "Jonah, where have you been?", she should not be asking that, "I was so worried. I- "

"I'm fine", I say quickly. I don't need her asking questions, "how are you?"

I want to hear all about her.

She sighs, "I'm okay", she says casually, "whose number is this? Where are you? I know you're not home"

Did Francis say something?

I frown, "how did you know that?"

"I've been making Carmen go over to see you", she replies, "and no one's been home"

She worries about me. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve it when it's so easy for me to hurt her. I want to hang up. I heard her voice. I got my sugar rush. Maybe I should just hang up and hide here. No, that would be a cowardly thing to do. My mother did not raise a coward.

"Jonah?"

There's something about the way this girl says my name.

"Yeah?", I need to change the subject, "you're not in Boston, are you?"

She sighs again. It sounds so much like a moan. No, Jonah, no thoughts like that right now.

"No", she answers, "I'm so sorry. I tried to call and say something but it all happened so fast. Blake lost his job, my mom showed up", she says, "I have to stay in Seattle with her until Blake gets a new job"

That's a condition. What if he doesn't?

"And if he can't?"

She doesn't answer immediately. She's doubtful, "he will"

"When did you leave?"

"On your birthday. I'm so sorry I missed it"

I scoff. I wanted to hear her say it. not that I care.

"It wasn't all that interesting anyway", I mutter under my breath.

She doesn't say anything for a while. I want to tell her I love her. I want to say that I miss her- but that's selfish. I don't have the guts to do all that.

"Jonah, is something wrong?", she asks, "don't lie to me. You don't just disappear for three weeks unless something is wrong"

Of course, she knows I would lie.